When It's Too Much? Suicidal Ideation.

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I need better coping stratagies. As soon as I feel over whelmed my mind goes straight to suicide. It comes in waves sometimes and I think in the right shitty mood with an urge I would do it, and that's scary. Except it's also comforting in an at least I still have control of something kinda way.

It's not helpful and it's upsetting if I really think about it. My partner and family I have to think about these things too. I have to force my self to think about them. I need to find a better way of coping.

Every time. Every single time it feels too much my mind goes there. It's probably a lot to do with a parent trying to kill themselves in front of me when I was a child.

What helps when you feel incapable of living or coping? At the moment the best thing I've got is sleeping until I feel I'm safe again. I'm sleeping a lot lately. When I go to my GP they just keep trying to push antidepressants on me and they make me worse.

It's not a solution I need therapy. I need to get back on the waiting list. For the immediate future what can you suggest?

 

[DogwoodTree]

I don't know if this will help you or not. But this is the insight I figured out for myself in the past few months, and it seems to be helping.

I realized, and was able to admit, that I turn to suicidal thoughts as my "safe place." It's my failsafe...my escape hatch...my out. I see it kind of similarly to how an alcoholic turns to alcohol. It's my addiction, of sorts. And once I started seeing it from that perspective--that the thoughts have been "pulling" on me and are not a real solution but only a distraction and a counterfeit of real comfort and safety--I've been able to find some strength and willpower and willingness to resist them.

Addictions are used to avoid reality. So I ask myself, what reality am I trying to avoid by turning to those thoughts instead? And then I try to face that reality and sit with it, even when it seems like I'll be crushed by it.

This also helps me see the fight against suicidal thoughts as a long-term process, rather than thinking that once I'm no longer thinking them, that this means I'm "okay" now and "everything is solved"...because it's not. It's a process. A looottt of ups and downs, over and over and over, as I build new thought habits. And like an addiction, it might be something that all of my life I'll need to be mindful of the temptation to fall back on these thoughts during stressful times.

Anyway, that's what my process looks like right now. Hope that helps...

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Yes exactly you're able to express it much better @DogwoodTree it is my "safe place" my go to.

I have been coping better with it than previously in my life but just when it's one thing ontop of another and another I go back to old coping mechanisms which is SI.

I may have become complacent and stopped fighting the urges to revert back to old unhelpful thought processes.

There are a few things I need to deal with at the moment that I really am avoiding and the thought of having to deal with them gives me a lot of anxiety. That's maybe why I'm going to my suicide fantasy place, instead of dealing with the real problems that are the root cause of my anxiety and emotional pain.

Thank you very much for your reply it's given me a great deal of insight

 

[Cinnamon4z]

Dogwoodtree i kinda agree that suicidal thoughts were kind of a 'depressive way out' for me when in my deppressive/panic attack/moody episode... It is really not pleasant at all.

Nowhere- sorry you have to go on waiting list and sorry you are experiencing such terrifying feelings. :(

 

[Knak]

I learned and felt God's tremendous love for me at age 4 or 5 before I ever had suicidal ideations at age 10. My mother told me that if you commit suicide (or get a divorce) you go to hell and I believed her and didn't want to go to hell. God was my resource for love and truth until my breakdown at age 22 when I couldn't find Him. That belief kept me from suicide but I lived in a hell on earth for 12 years.
Then I found Him through unconditional love from true believers, and understood more when I learned God's Word for myself and discovered neither fact was true, however it still keeps me from doing either, so far, but I think about both a lot.
My therapist told me that I become desperate whenever I cut down on my medication and that was the case. I went back on the full regimen and felt 100% better, although sometimes appear drugged.
I wonder if I will ever choose to end my life. It seems possible.
The other thought I rely on is that I have gone from despair back to normalcy enough to believe it would happen again.
I relate to Job - he did not know why he was made to suffer, so God told him that he has no idea what he doesn't understand but in the end he will see God. Also Paul says in Romans that suffering produces endurance, which produces character, which produces hope. I have experienced it and know it's true.

 

[Mr Man]

So sorry to hear about your run of bad luck, it must be very difficult for you right now. But I can confidently say statistically things should get better. Losing everything you’ve built up in 3 years, is an opportunity to explore new thing. A fresh start, a job you grow to like more than the last ? Possibly even an apartment without cat poo (always a bonus).

I have C-PTSD from childhood, and I find meeting up in neutral ground (rather than the family home) helps me, less triggering. I also found the Samaritans really good a helping with the suicide thoughts. I tried it when I was 10 and I've had so many good times since then, so please I mucked it up. Keep posting, all the best.

 

[Snowflake]

I go to the thought of suicide many many times daily. It's my safe place, it's a way to avoid the feelings of what is happening at that time.