When Parents Come First......(and They Shouldn't)

[HëllaBubz]

Another vent for you....in case any of you were bored and wanted something better than Days of Our Lives....

My brother, since he moved out from our place, and also got an Xbox, has seen me twice in 8 months. We used to see him weekly.
He will drive and hour and a half, pass our suburb and continue on to see my mother and sister, but we hear nothing.

My mother and sister will drive and hour and a half, past our suburb, and go and stay the weekend with him and chat with him and his relatively new gf constantly. I've met the gf twice in 6 months that he's been with her.

I'm contacted for things when people want us, "how do I fix XYZ" or "can I stay the night", but other than that I barely hear shit.

My sister spends the most time with me, but even then she's constantly in contact with my brother.....I hear nothing.

I've just found out last night that they were off to visit my father in hospital who managed to f*ck up his arm and nerve badly whilst dirt bike riding.

My mother is spending the whole weekend taking care of my father, after she told me that she would be around as often as possible to help us pack.


Am I right to feel betrayed? My psych told me that my mother would most likely ignore my needs for her own or the man in her life when it suited her, and I swear my psych is a goddamn prophet because everything she says comes to pass.

For me, if someone was to say "X abused so and so's child, and they're left with permanent damage...." I'd never speak to X again, and I'd avoid them like the plague.

But because it was physical, emotional, psychological damage it's like it's not so bad, it's almost like "Oh, they didn't do it to me or my children, so it doesn't mean I'll stop talking to them."

How the f*ck would that above statement look if it was in relation to child sex abuse? How is emotional, physical, psychological abuse and neglect any different? And to those of you who have been through that, I am so very, very sorry. You deserve better, and you can be better.

Don't both steal childhoods, innocence, ability to be someone, to learn, to grow up and be an adult with a hope of having a life?

Why is it ok to know what someone has done to a friend, a sibling, a child, and yet it's ok to stay in contact, visit and help the abuser?

Why the f*ck is this ok?

I didn't do anything, I was innocent, and everything was stolen from me, and yet *I'm* the one that is lied to, avoided, has things omitted.

Why?

I don't want to keep getting hung up on shit from the past, and I want to move on with my life, but it's like no-one will let me!

I'm trying so hard not to be the sum of my abuses, but honestly, it's really frigging hard right now.

 

[ms spock]

I have asked these questions time and time again over the last 30 years. It does stay with you.

I think people do a disconnect @Bubzilla. It is being stuck, firmly, in a child place, stuck in a place of severe emotional deprivation and having a fantasy that one day you will get that parenting, love, comfort, deep abiding sense of belonging etc etc. And somehow the abusers manage to cast this magical net that entraps people into doing their biding and ignoring what they have inflicted on other people.

When people fall in to those traps, it is not about you, it is about a big deficit, an almost missing core. And those people who are so manipulative - they are so mesmerising, they are so seductive, they are so believable to gullible, damaged, sometimes completely stuck people and sometimes to recovering people.

Somehow the dynamics hook up into a whole lot of unmet childhood needs, so those people aren't really adults any more, in a real sense, they might look like it, but they are desperate people who can't fulfil their own needs and are desperate and needy for that connection.

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Hi @TheBubzilla . It happens with everything. Im having the same problem with my family and my abuser and he emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. I dont understand them and how they can just be ok with talking to him and having contact with him after everything he had done to me.

I was told by an old T that people cant handle knowing that someone they love and care for could do such things and so in their mind, they choose to not believe, kinda like denial stage for us. Although for me, this is no reason to forgive them. Its too painful to see your family not take this seriously. Feels like betrayal to me too.

Keep your head held high, you know what he truly is. :hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

I eventually disconnected from my family of origin except for my brother. I found that the real rub for me was not that "they" betrayed me concerning this or that but that they were lacking of character. If I continued to socialize and expect different results, then for me, I "was" the problem. It is often offered, that a form of insanity is to do the same thing over & over while expecting different results.

So why would I expect the same people that did not protect me then, to protect my heart with them now? To me, finally after much grieving of my loss, I accepted that I held onto unrealistic expectations because I desired a family with all of the Disneyland trimmings. When I accepted I had to build my family of choice and not depend on a genetic toss of the dice, I could let go of the anger and much of the pain associated with their titles.

I formed healthy attachments with people that valued the same things in life. I worked hard in a 12 step (Codependent) to learn to fill some of my own unmet needs. I stopped expecting others to give back and learned to give an healthier amount that allowed me, self respect as well as inner strength.

Bottom line, I told Toto, I didn't think we were in Kansas anymore.

 

[ms spock]

But because it was physical, emotional, psychological damage it's like it's not so bad,

If it were the type of family that would acknowledge what you went through then the abuse wouldn't have been allowed to happen to you in the first place.

 

[catjudo]

I don't have an explanation or any words of wisdom. Just wanted to let you know I understand. I was sexually abused by my step-father. It was an ongoing thing until I was 12 and finally told my mother. She stayed married to him. Almost 30 years later she is still married to him.

 

[ghotiff]

Denial from family hurts. Either you are able to protect yourself from it, or you cut them out of you life. Maybe cut them out for a couple of months as a trial run (eg ignore their calls) and see how you feel.

Just my thoughts.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thank you all so much for your wisdom. I've just moved house, and it has been draining to say the least.

I am much more direct with my mother now, but that is for my own sanity, not her benefit. I think some people do not change, but your tolerance for their idiocy improves.

I find her, as my psych calls it, "Useful".
She gives me money for things, and tries to help around my house, so I think I'll tolerate her screw ups, with the odd arse kicking, provided she can be of use to me.

My 9mo is getting older now, and more independent, but it immensely grates me seeing my mother interact with my child and knowing that I've spent the better part of my childhood not getting or being made to feel the love that she shows my child.

Perhaps she will serve as an appropriate lesson for my child over time to enforce healthy boundaries, in the mean time I will defend them until my child is old enough and strong enough to do it herself.

I have found that perhaps, if she will not change, then for my own sanity I shall inform her directly of how I feel....therefore I am expressing myself and she gets to keep on being a selfish cow....only upside is that I can now speak for myself.

And yes, I do see how the above situation may not be optimal.

Ah I have missed this site, and you all, 9 months feels like a lifetime when you are raising a small child. I am determined to cram every cranny of our lives with the most laughter, joy and fulfilling experiences possible.... A bit like Scrat with his nuts in the tree trunk.

This lifetime is but once, I want it as rich as possible.

And @Ms Spock it's wonderful to 'see' you again. Xx

 

[ms spock]

And yes, I do see how the above situation may not be optimal.

Optimal happens in classic narrative Hollywood films, for the rest of us, we make do with reality as best that we can.

And @Ms Spock it's wonderful to 'see' you again. Xx

Nice to see you too Bub.

 

[Rumors]

I feel you, Bubz. It feels like you are taking crumbs and they are feeding everyone else filet and lobster. I have a similar scenario with my brother who, when it is convenient, will work a few moments of his precious time in to somewhat pretend like he gives a crap. Given he lived away for 20 plus years and only came home to reap the benefits of Christmas gifts, I find myself becoming less tolerant of the crumbs. If someone wants a relationship with you, they have to work at it bc you are worthy of having genuine love and respect. When you get to the point where you believe you are worthy of love and happiness, you will no longer put up with the crumbs and make a statement on your own behalf. It won't be well received because they expect you to takes crumbs and like it. However, standing up for yourself is far more liberating than just hanging out status quo! Good luck!!! Don't be second fiddle to anyone!!!