When the erotic thoughts take over...

[PointlessExistence]

Every couple of weeks it hits me. Unfortunately I have no healthy outlet to express my desires. This makes my desires stronger, and with still no outlet, the desires become odder and more negative. There are ways I could indulge, but I'm too inhibited to even pursue them. So I'm left in this erotic-state and have to wait it out for days. I can masturbate but won't. It resets me and helps get rid of the thoughts, but it takes away something too. It numbs me, and I don't like it. It's avoidance behavior.

I'm unhappily married, so I am not interested in relations with wife. So here I am again, going through this wave of erotic thinking. I just have to ride it out until it goes away. It sucks...And yes, I have tried to get my mind off of it with various endeavors, but they don't help for long.

 

[Friday]

Yep. My libido pisses me off when I’m not getting laid, too.

 

[Wendell_R]

Are there sexual fantasies that you can have that you can see as positive and affirming? A way to be sexual, but to direct these thoughts into the future or in positive directions, instead of odder or negative.

I know it's hard from experience--sexuality is compelling and difficult sometimes, and it's hard to resist.

 

[Kubash16]

I get ya, I really do. But I’m curious how masturbation would be avoidance? I feel like it can be a safe way to play out fantasies that aren’t or can’t happen in real life, it’s a fairly healthy act from what I understand.

 

[PointlessExistence]

Are there sexual fantasies that you can have that you can see as positive and affirming? A way to be sexual, but to direct these thoughts into the future or in positive directions, instead of odder or negative.

I know it's hard from experience--sexuality is compelling and difficult sometimes, and it's hard to resist.

I used to be able to gravitate them in a positive direction, but I've lost that ability. In the last few years my fantasies have become more and more peculiar, but in doing so, they've helped me make breakthroughs. I wasn't trying to do it, but when I'd concentrate on the fantasies, they brought back all kinds of feelings from childhood. Unfortunately, although they've given me a really good perspective on why I am the way I am (not just sexually, but also in general), I haven't been able to work the discoveries into anything therapeutic. So I get the knowledge, but all I'm left with is the craving.

 

[PointlessExistence]

I get ya, I really do. But I’m curious how masturbation would be avoidance? I feel like it can be a safe way to play out fantasies that aren’t or can’t happen in real life, it’s a fairly healthy act from what I understand.

I think it's healthy, when the subject matter is healthy. I think it compounds the problem when the fantasies are odd and often disturbing. As far as it being avoidance, for me it kills a normal aspect of my being. Even the way my body and private parts react to masturbation is wholly different from intercourse. I think other people can work it into their normal sex lives, but I think when it is a replacement, rather than a supplement, it is no good for me.

 

[Wendell_R]

when I'd concentrate on the fantasies, they brought back all kinds of feelings from childhood

Do you make room for non-sexual fantasies? Re-imagining childhood as you would like it, rather than as it was?

 

[PointlessExistence]

Do you make room for non-sexual fantasies? Re-imagining childhood as you would like it, rather than as it was?

I've tried, but I don't really get anywhere with it. I let myself relive non-sexual trauma and try to work through it, but re-imagining is something that hasn't really worked.

 

[Mach123]

I've come to understand so much lately. I don't think it helps (right now) I wish mostly I didn't know. I'm "happily married" and my prison is my refuge. We had years that were very unhappy. Now it's ok.

What you're saying is so real. How we deal with it is so individual.

I still have to wrestle or grapple with it, but only in terms of my partner. I'm so sorry you have no one and feel alone with this and so glad you would say it.

I could say it now I guess. It took the whole five years I've been in trauma therapy and the whole rest of my life before that.

There was never anything I could do about it without someone else, (to abuse me) and there was never anything (but certain drugs that were totally incapacitating and so, very unhealthy) that could touch it.

I'm really sorry and very sympathetic and I know that's no help. At least for me, shared suffering or someone else understanding was as good as nothing.

: (

 

[PointlessExistence]

Thank you very much for your reply, Mach. Having a group like this, and especially people like you who understand and can empathize in a such a sincere way, is very helpful. I appreciate it very much. Other than this group, I have my mother as a sort of support system, which is funny considering she was one who sent me down the wrong path in the first place. If not for her, I may've been able to handle the things that came afterwards.

I have told my wife of some of the trauma I suffered as a child, but I have never told her how any of it has affected me sexually. Though our love-making wasn't particularly odd, it had peculiarities to it. I'm pretty sure she's oblivious to the fact that they relate to my trauma. And I'll definitely keep it that way.

Our relationship is bad. But even if it were good, there are so many things I'd never tell her. And that goes for any woman I could ever find. I would never be able to look a partner in the face if she knew certain things about me. There is no way that telling a significant other about this could ever help me overcome it. It would just make me feel worse.

As far as finding someone who could, like you say, help me touch it. It's out there. In a perfect world it would be free, but that would be very hard to find. Sometimes I'm in such a mood that I want to indulge. I know there are answers in it - answers I might be able to do something with. I can definitely see how indulging could be therapeutic. But there are things that thwart me every time:

Practical reasons: I shouldn't spend money on that, being that I'm a parent (even though we wouldn't miss the money).
Emotional reasons: The idea suddenly seems shameful rather than enlightening.
Pessimistic reasons: The female may not be able to do what I require, and I'll regret the whole thing.
Neurotic reasons: I have splintered sexual identities and they start to fight with each other, making me lose my focus.
Unknown reasons: I just become totally inhibited. What was turning me on all day loses all flavor when on the cusp of indulging.

 

[Mach123]

I never had to really get to this because I always put someone "on top of me" who had control and so, kept me safe. That was my mechanism without my knowing I was doing it. I acted it out in my mind. In retrospect, none of the things I wanted were real anyway, it was all just the delusion created by my abuse and I had no idea what I was thinking or why. My therapist continually tells me that "acting out or re enactment is not good."

I know what she means and again, within the confines of my marriage we are intimate together. I can't tell you how happy and grateful I am about this and how fortunate I feel. I had all those thoughts, that's all I'm saying and I am supportive and I hope you can get it out of your head whatever it is.

I doubt seriously I could ever have done anything else. I know how hard it is but I got through it. My therapist and my wife know all about me (to a different degree, I don't expect my wife to be the therapist) and the therapist helped me understand it.

 

[PointlessExistence]

I know exactly the type of relationship you mean! I've often thought of how great that would be. There were different nuances that would cross my mind about how I'd like it to play out, but they all came back to having a woman who was in control.

Sometimes it was pretty vanilla, but usually my ideal-scenario would be pretty negative: I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable or ashamed, because she would be the one who was dictating things. She would view me as beneath her, so she would never expect much from me, and therefore I'd never let her down. I'd never feel the pressure of having to be strong or caring. She would treat me like shit, and I'd love-hate her. The thought of it is absolutely intoxicating. My desires would be satisfied in real-time rather than a roleplay, and I wouldn't need to contemplate paying someone to get me in touch with it. And to the outside world there'd be the guise of a normal relationship.

I know it's not the answer. I know it's a form of acting-out, just like you said. I'm glad you've risen above it. Maybe if I ever experienced it, I'd want to rise above it too. Anyway, I'm sure it'll never happen to me - the chances of finding such a woman are thin, even more so being that I'm married. Yet I don't think the allure of that is something I'll ever conquer.