When The Evil "parts" Punish

[Punky143]

This has everything to do with SH/SI. The evil part(s) take us places that are remote and viewed as unsafe for a lady alone. They often take us into woods that is bordered by a river. And every time, off and on I can hear my parents both say, "I taught you better than this" but it doesn't stop "them." They make the rest of us sit by the river and look death in the eye. It's more than scary because it runs higher in the spring and for some odd reason, I hate fast moving water. We can sit for hours unknowingly. If we don't do as we're told, it lingers heavily on the shoulders and 9 times out of 10 a migraine. That's all we ever want to do is isolate. I started trauma therapy therapy but it paused quickly after continued multiple new traumas occurred. Barely hanging on to the work aspect let alone the demands from home life which I'm failing miserably at. It's embarrassing to say the least. This time around, I realized (very nieve at times) not everyone has parts the way we do. At 37, I found this devastating. It's as if the past was all a complete lie. Then denial and certainty that it wasn't me, it had to be someone else. Floundering in life only partially describes how I feel. Only my T knows most of the story and 1 other friend to some degree. If I can help one younger person avoid slipping through the lack of system then I'll be grateful. Don't minimize yourself and feelings. And best advice of all - don't stuff your feelings inside with the false intention you'll get to it later. I am the queen of that and here I am always at the same spot called "stuck." Now its as if there no more room and one of the traumas provoked forgotten memories of my childhood. We can't keep quiet any longer and tread with extreme caution that at any time my T can leave, We've talked about this for 10 years, and she offered me to be seen at a different practice when she left the original place. She tells us over and over she doesn't quit on people, only they can. Its a deep rooted issue and one that annoyingly lingers. I'm blabbering now, I apologize. I always feel alone no matter what, I guess I'm just trying to say that.

 

[whiteraven]

I'm sorry you feel alone. I know that feeling, all too well. Also, I have a part - it used to be 2 - that is always afraid and always wants to hurt us. She tries to harm me, and sometimes succeeds, but usually hurts one of our little ones inside.

I always worried about losing my therapist. I had several that left. One that told me when we started - bragged, really - that she stuck with clients for years - and closed her practice 2 years later. I think it's normal to worry, and sometimes it's justified. But one thing I have learned, one very important thing, is that one person/one therapist is truly not the be all and end all. So even if something happens and you can't see your current therapist for some reason, the world will not end. I've been through several therapists and, in fact, I'm without one now. I thought I would just die and, oddly, I'm better. Not great, but definitely better. Who'd'thought?

Take care.