When the truth might hurt to much

[IamFree]

What would you do if telling someone the truth of how you really feel about something that is important to them which you know may hurt them on a deep level but not telling them means you can not go on with the relationship .

 

[Ronin]

Tell them as sensitively as possible (if I still care about them, or the relationship, or want something in it to change or change to a different relation, not be done altogether.)

 

[grit]

It is really difficult to answer such a question because the answer to generic question is always a generic answer and may not give you what you are looking for. And what is the truth? Your truth can change. We are all here on this site because there was a truth that hurt us long time ago. We know now but we did not know then. So what is truth today may not hold water tomorrow.

But confronting a person about something that is deeply sensitive, I just had this conversation with a therapy group member the other day.

Before I have any “confrontational” conversation with anyone, first and foremost:

• I would really dig deep into why I need this conversation. What is my motivation? To show the truth? To have a connection with the person? To hurt the person? What is the point of the conversation?
• Secondly, if I decide it is to have a connection with this person, then I would find something to be compassionate about the message I am delivering. I would find a compassionate point in this person too. Something I can hold onto because it is what is causing me to have that connection. This could be like this person brings up a painful part of mine to forefront and I truly believe in order to heal myself and move on compassionately, I need to honor that in others too. This too makes me less judging and hot headed going into this conversation
• Third, in order for any connection to result from this: I need to risk vulnerability and I need to build my self in such that I am vulnerable and OK with the result because there is always the chance the other person may not respond with vulnerability.

hope this helps.

 

[NaeNae75]

I think for most things in life, there are way to express just about anything with tact. I think if you give someone the benefit of the doubt and tell them gently, you can preserve a relationship.

Of course, this is vague, because your question elicits that sort of response.

 

[IamFree]

Thanks for your input I did walk away from the relationship but said it was for another reason which was true but not the main reason. I will elaborate on it in a way that is respectful to others. It was basicly around certain religous beleifs which i became opposed to because i beleive it had a very negative consequence for my mother who this freind taught to beleive. and wanted me to beleieve as well in despite of the glaring evidence that it just did not work for my mother and may have been a negative thing i guess you could stay i still feel angry about it. I found it hard to be my self in the relationship anymore when they was going on at me with it when i really felt so opposed to it. But I respect everyones rights to there beliefs and would not want to try and take it away from anyone of attack it ...its only my business if it being pushed on me . I did not want to incur a spiritual crisis in this person if what i said was convincing. I think the lesson for me here is that i need to cultivate relationships with people who do not hold very rigid beleif systems.

i just think lifes to short to spend it with people you cant be your self with

 

[grit]

Thanks for your input I did walk away from the relationship but said it was for another reason which was true but not the main reason. I will elaborate on it in a way that is respectful to others. It was basicly around certain religous beleifs which i became opposed to because i beleive it had a very negative consequence for my mother who this freind taught to beleive. and wanted me to beleieve as well in despite of the glaring evidence that it just did not work for my mother and may have been a negative thing i guess you could stay i still feel angry about it. I found it hard to be my self in the relationship anymore when they was going on at me with it when i really felt so opposed to it. But I respect everyones rights to there beliefs and would not want to try and take it away from anyone of attack it ...its only my business if it being pushed on me . I did not want to incur a spiritual crisis in this person if what i said was convincing. I think the lesson for me here is that i need to cultivate relationships with people who do not hold very rigid beleif systems.

Everybody has some rigid belief systems including you and I. Your last sentence is a belief you have and could be considered rigid by someone.

It sounds to me you left this relationship for many different reasons and probably the most important one is what you stated here - because you did not believe what this person believed and did not want to put up with that.

The thing about "attack" or your thoughts about what this person may have felt that is another issue and yours alone because these are feelings or some identity you have about how your impact on others may be taken. That is a separate issue.

 

[IamFree]

i guess your right we can become very intolerant by becoming intolerant of the intolerant . I think another way of saying it is to avoid relationships with people who want me to beleive what they believe .