When Therapist Offers To Call....then Doesn't...

[barefoot]

I've been having a difficult week or so....stressed out by a weird thing with my neighbour and then about work stuff. There are separate threads here about both these things.

Thursday - my therapist emailed about a logistical thing. She started by asking how my week was going so in my reply I told her that things weren't great and told her a couple of things I was anxious about re the neighbour thing. Then I addressed the logistical stuff.

Early that evening, my therapist phoned me but I missed the call. She left a voicemail, sounded concerned, suggested we have a call the next day if I wanted to and that she was very flexible the next day so could "easily talk". She said she hoped I was ok and that I just needed to text her the next day and say when I was free and finished by saying, "I'm here if you need me."

I thought this was nice of her, appreciated the message and was disappointed that I'd missed the opportunity to talk to her.

I hate feeling needy and always have massive dilemmas over whether to get in touch with her between sessions - am I being too needy/annoying/inappropriate etc. Friday morning - I wasn't in a terrible state but I did still feel v anxious and the things I'd said in my email that had prompted her to call me were still relevant. After much to and fro with myself over whether or not I could/should text her and ask for a call, I did text her and asked for that because I thought it would help to calm me down before the weekend.

So, I texted her on Friday morning.
And she didn't call.
And she didn't reply to my text.
It's now Saturday afternoon.

I wasn't in a major crisis when I asked for the call. I've re-read the text I sent her and I don't sound anywhere near as anxious as I know I felt. I'm sure her intention was good when she offered a call in her voicemail on Thursday - and I really believe that she has good reasons for not being able to phone. I've got a session with her on Monday, so it's not like I have a really long wait before I get to see her. I know it was good of her to try to call me to talk on the Thursday.

But - it would have taken her 30 seconds to text me and say that she was sorry but something had come up and that she wouldn't be able to do a call after all. Yes, that wouldn't have given me what I'd asked for - a call. Which she had offered in the first place. But, as it is, I feel completely ignored. At the very least, I think it's rude. But I also don't get how she thinks that's ok. How she thinks that won't have an impact on a client.

I feel pissed off, let down, disappointed, hurt, not heard, ignored, disregarded...lots of things towards her. And I just wish I hadn't texted her and asked. I feel even more pathetic and needy and I feel like I got sucked in again as this isn't the first time she's said we can talk and then there's just been radio silence. I feel so agitated! I thought talking to her would make me feel a bit better. But her response (lack of!) has made me feel worse. I can't stop thinking about it and feel so f*cked off with her.

I really think a lot of my therapist - she is very caring and compassionate and has gone above and beyond a few times for me. So I don't need anyone to tell me to look for a new therapist! This thing about not always getting in contact when she says she will (and sometimes she does) is the only thing that annoys me about her. It just feels like such a big deal. Even though I know she will have a good reason why she couldn't call.

I know I need to bring this up in our session on Monday if she doesn't mention it first but I don't want to look petty or unappreciative or like I'm just having a big go at her. I don't want to ruin the session by just getting pissed off with her - then it'll be another week before I can address the issues about why I was in such a state that I needed the call with her in the first place!

How do I play it so that I express how I feel about it but so I don't derail the whole session by getting annoyed with her and then completely disengaging from her? I don't trust myself to be able to regulate myself very well at the moment and I also don't know whether my judgement is completely off and I'm having a really over the top reaction to this.

Sorry...long post....needed to vent!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I had a similar thing happen to me. It was when I was an an inpatient treatment place (which was actually very helpful). One night when I couldn't sleep, the nurse that came in to bring me my heating pack talked to me, but said she had to go back to the med. window, but would come back in 10 minutes to check on me. She never came back. After about an hour of waiting, I asked the rounds person about where the nurse was and she came back to say the nurse was busy and sent someone else in her place. I felt very hurt and let down because she had said 10 minutes. I knew she had a busy job so I tried to keep that in mind and not take it personally, but I did.

So after much deliberation internally, the next time I saw her, I asked if we could talk and I told her how let down I felt. I said that logically I knew she had just gotten busy but because of my past of not being able to trust people it made me more confused and hurt. She was very compassionate and thanked me for bringing it up. We then brainstormed how she could phrase things in the future like- I will try to come back in a short while, but if I can't I'll send someone else. It helped me feel much better and I hope that you find some similar response when you talk to your therapist.

 

[Biz]

@barefoot , I had a similar thing happen too. I too had moved just past crisis-mode and requested a call, we scheduled a time, she never called. Next day sh*t was still going down, we scheduled; this time, I called and no one picked up.

Honestly, it was really difficult for me to get past and it made me take a hard look at my experience in therapy thus far. I spoke to my therapist about it and, unfortunately, I didn't feel like that convo brought much resolution. Shortly before that, my therapist was encouraging me to find someone who could do the body-based methods I wanted in therapy, and the phone call back and forth was actually an experience that resulted in me looking at our relationship and my insecurities and seeing that I wasn't getting what I needed from her.

That's not to say that you should get a new therapist, but it is to say that the conversation you both have about your relationship could yield all kinds of insights about you and her and y'all's dynamic.

I'm sorry that happened. It is really difficult to deal with not wanting to seem needy and get in touch between sessions and letting that down then not being responded to.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't trust myself to be able to regulate myself very well at the moment and I also don't know whether my judgement is completely off and I'm having a really over the top reaction to this.

First, ive never gotten pissed af my therapist over anything, and he is in a group therefore i dont have his cell # or email addy (wish i did) BUT i can relate to this feeling so without reading other replies, i would say what you just said "i dont want to talk a lot about this as i know there are other things we need to discuss, and i also dont trust right now that i can regulate my emotions so please stop me if i get too 'off track', but when i texted you and you never texted back even to say something had come uo i felt __________." Somethong like that. And remember that she's human and not only do things come up but she can completely forget, leave her phone somewhere, possibly not even get the text as thats happened to people ive text before. Keeping that in mind, thats what i would do.

Are you blowing it out of portion? A little, BUT i understand and can very much relate to how and why you feel the way you do. Just keep in mind that although they are therapists, they are also human. But it is important for her to know how it made you feel as that can be a building block for therapy. :) :hug:

 

[barefoot]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve - I'm glad you found a resolution with the nurse. I've been thinking about whether agreeing certain language/phrases with her would help but I don't think so.

I think I just want her to acknowledge the impact of her offering something then ignoring it when I ask for it. I think I just want her to see that spending a few seconds texting me back would have helped a lot. I want her to get that if I contact her/ask for a call, it's a) because I really need (ugh!) her support and b) it will have been a big deal for me to have been able to ask.

It feels like a punishment or something...."text if you want to talk because I'm here if you need me" then I muster everything to put myself out there and say I need her, then there's just nothing. So, yes...it feels like a punishment. Or a test. But I know that's irrational because of course she's not punishing me. I think she meant it when she offered and then stuff came up the next day. But to not text back at all...?!

I hate this! I know I'm losing sight of all the things that are great about her, just because she wasn't able to call me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think I just want her to acknowledge the impact of her offering something then ignoring it when I ask for it.

She may not have ignored it, she may have forgotten and left her phone somewhere or didnt hear it then didnt think to check the messages because of something that came up; maybe a meeting where she couldnt text and then forgot to afterwards.

Not trying to make excuses for her and certianly not trying to downplay your feelings as you are very entitled to have them and i can relate to that "ignored & abandoned" feeling; just trying to give you another way to look at it.

We wont know what happened until monday but try to calm the anxiety and hurt some trying to think of other ways to look at this.

I think we all see our therapists sometimes as 'super heoros", i know i do at times; but we must remember, they are human; humans with a high calling; but humans nonetheless.

Think of a time where you promised someone a call or text and then completely forgot and it was a very long time before you thought, if at all, to check the phone. I know ive done that; more than once.

 

[barefoot]

It is really difficult to deal with not wanting to seem needy and get in touch between sessions and letting that down then not being responded to.

Yes, this is the thing that feels so difficult about it...you have summed it up far more succinctly than my rambling OP!

I know we have to talk about it and that - if I can keep my cool and stay in the room! - it will probably be a useful conversation with insights about what's going on in our relationship. It's been on our radar for a little while to discuss our relationship but other stuff keeps cropping up so we haven't yet. Basically, I adore her and think she's great and we get on and she really helps. But I have a real issue with intimacy so tend to be very defensive and shut down when we get on to the more difficult, deeper level work.

So, it's like I'm torn between wanting to tell her stuff, wanting her to care about me, wanting to trust the connection we have...and at the same time being repelled by how important she's become to me, freaked out by the connection and just determined to keep her at arm's length and shut her down. She knows this stuff but we haven't yet recalled delved into it together.

So maybe now's the time to have that whole conversation? But I don't know if that's a good idea when I feel so angry/let down?

 

[KwanYingirl]

@barefoot ive had three therapists due to either me moving or them moving. This call issue has come up with all of them. I only reach out between sessions if I feel suicidal and if I don't get a return call, I just feel useless and unliked, or they're trying to get rid of me. All these crazy cognitive distortions I have. My head just goes to the negative.

My first therapist, I left him a nasty voicemail in a dissociated state and regret that. We eventually got over it but he said I had to call a crisis line if I feel suicidal.

My second therapist was always available and always returned my calls, even once when she was vacationing in Canada!!

My present therapist assures me that he wants me to contact him when I feel suicidal, or better yet, when I feel the overwhelm taking over my brain. He never gets back in a timely fashion and never calls me. When he gets time to sit and think ( he coaches kids basketball and he has a son that goes to singing and dancing lessons) I get an email that is well thought out and helpful. He has also reminded me that I feel I get help calling rape hotlines and he thinks it's best to call them if I'm flashing back to a rape.

Three different approaches. At times I'd be in a shitty mood and get pissed off I wasn't their number one priority. In reality we planned what I should do if they can't respond quickly.

While I'm on the subject, I want to say that rape and assault agencies run great hotlines. I'm 61 and my rapes took place from age 4-12. I'm still considered by them to be in need of their support. And since they are victims themselves, they speak in my language.

What it boils down to is to develop secondary supports for when your therapist is missing in action.

 

[barefoot]

@lostforgottensoul Yes, I completely get that she is human. Of course therapists make mistakes, forget, lose their signal, run out of battery, emergencies come up etc.

And I do think my current anxiety is probably making me feel even more bothered/upset by it than I otherwise would.

But it isn't the first time she's done it and we have talked a bit about it before and she's apologised and said she'd bear it in mind for the future.

I think maybe I just need to ask her not to make those kind of others anymore. Or I need to just decide not to accept the offers anymore. Because if I don't ask and say I need it, she can't then have the power to withhold it?

I don't even know why I feel so abandoned and rejected by it but, you're right, I do. Don't know what that's about... Feel pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

 

[barefoot]

What it boils down to is to develop secondary supports for when your therapist is missing in action

Ok, I'm going to think about this....thanks...

I think what's bothering me most is that I didn't initiate the request for the call. I replied to her email and said I wasn't having a good week because of X and Y. She then suggested the call and I said yes please. Then, after I'd asked - nothing.

I feel like she's made me ask...then she hasn't given. And I know that's wrong and stupid - of course she didn't "make" me ask. But it feels like she gave me permission to ask for what I needed and then ignored me when I asked for it. There's some shame in my asking, I think....I think that's maybe what this is about...and her not calling makes the shame of me asking her to call even worse. Ugh...yeah, I don't really understand that...hunk that's what's underneath it...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think I just want her to acknowledge the impact of her offering something then ignoring it when I ask for it. I think I just want her to see that spending a few seconds texting me back would have helped a lot. I want her to get that if I contact her/ask for a call, it's a) because I really need (ugh!) her support and b) it will have been a big deal for me to have been able to ask.

This is totally how I felt after she failed to come back when she had said she would. I didn't feel like it wasn't punishment like you did, but I felt like I was unlovable and back to not trusting other people because they always let you down. And I had to take care of that. And I think you're absolutely right if your therapist's schedule changed and she couldn't provide the call she offered, she should have taken time to let you know that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't even know why I feel so abandoned and rejected by it but, you're right, I do. Don't know what that's about... Feel pathetic, pathetic, pathetic

NOT "pathetic" at all!

Ive felt abandoned (and have been abandoned) by many. Its how you feel and how you feel is how you feel. Thats real, and it has a reason. I think if you bring it up, especially when its happened before, and your feelings when she does this, it will actually help in therapy. Dont you want to know why you feel this way when it happens and how to change your reaction to it? I do! :)

My point was, all we have control over is FAB; our Feelings, our Additude, and our Behavior; nothing else beyond that can we control. So yes, your feelings ARE vaild and there are reasons for them; but what im am learning to do (someone that was raised in a Satanic cult and brainwashed) while learning to unbrainwash myself and change my entire core beliefs (which is like trying to convince someone the sky isnt blue but green) is to challenge my thoughts. How can you think about this differently? Which also changes your reaction to someone else's action or non-action.

Just something im learning to do that i thought would help. :)