Relationship When To Give Up On Relationship

[Mtnativecohome]

I have been married for 12 years and two years ago my husband has been afflicted with PTSD from child sexual abuse. For 18 months he was at ground zero and has made significant improvements, started exercising and taking better care of himself but hasn't been participating in helping the family (two kids 11 & 9 one with a physical disability). I decided I tried everything I could do to help him and wanted to file for a divorce. We are still living together, he started looking for a job and asked for another chance. Keep in mind, he his PTSD is so severe he has had three large seizures and is easily triggered. He was using marijuana to help with sleep and it did help, but since he is trying to get a job, he quit so he could pass a drug test. He has turned to numbing with alcohol and uses it at night before bed. I don't know what to do, I still love him and wonder if it's worth another effort to try and preserve the marriage. Any thoughts?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi,

Is he in therapy? Seeing a psychiatrist? I think these are important indicators of a willingness to heal.

I am concerned about the alcohol use as it often makes PTSD sufferers even worse, which could create even more problems down the road.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

He is in therapy and has seen a psychiatrist. He isn't on medication at this point and has even tried neuro feedback. Honestly it did help a bit. He has so much work to do, I know that and I really did set my boundaries up and was ready to let go but he has suddenly picked it up a lot. Granted this has only been for a month. We are a month away from the final divorce, and I am second guessing myself. I told him he will need to stop drinking and that seems as if it will be really difficult for him, but I certainly can't live with an alcoholic. I have been through an emotional roller coaster with him, but again if I love him, should i set him free.

 

[Candu]

If you have not seen it yet there is a site called MaleSurvivor that may help you, him, or both.

There is a section for Friends and Family (supporters)

I had to get rid of the link to the site because the system here thinks I'm a spammer due to the link and not having many posts. My username there is Candu as well. I'm not that active there anymore. I started there about a year ago and was pretty active for about half a year. It helped me a lot when I was in pretty bad shape. But it is time to put that behind me. I am in therapy now and have been for the last half year.

There isn't a huge amount of participation there but it is quite focussed. Also there is a lot you could get out of the older posts. If you do ask question it may take awhile to get answers back. But sometimes it's not so bad. Participation comes and goes.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If the drinking is a deal breaker for you, then rest assured you are making the right decision for you and your kids if he isn't willing/able to become sober. I had an alcoholic parent and it was hell for me as a child. I don't wish that on anyone.

 

[madmax]

You set animals free men step up and make things whole.

 

[EverOnly358]

This is a really difficult situation, and a really difficult decision. I'm not sure I have any specific advice. I just thought I'd tell you that I cared. That it is really good that you're doing whatever you can to help your husband, but at the same time taking care of you and your kids. I know how hard it is to be in the middle of a crumbling marriage with kids (I'm there right now, too), so know you're not the only one, you're not alone. I hope me telling you this helps.

 

[franciemarnie]

Please take care of yourself first.

After the divorce, if he changes, quits drinking and hopefully gets support for that on his own, and you feel in your gut he is taking steps to get better and you still love him, you could reconsider the relationship.

But it is completely unpredictable if or when an alcoholic will quit drinking. There is nothing you can do to make him stop. But showing him there are consequences for his behavior is imperative and will go far to help.

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

Thank you all for your responses. It does help to have a listening ear.

 

[mamachick]

I dont have the answer and am sorry for no good advice. I liked what franciemarie said. I am going through a divorce as well, but there is not turning back and its nothing to do with ptsd. I filed years ago and got talked into dropping it because I needed the medical insurance. Now starting over. Customary $5000 retainer. If you are a month away, I am sure you have already incurred these costs.

What would happen if you went through with it and then things worked out?

 

[TeaLeaf]

I recommend the book, "Should I Stay or Should I go" by Lundy Bancroft. It was recommended to me by a friend when I was having trouble determining if I should stay in a relationship. The book really helped give me clarity on the situation and helped build my confidence on moving forward with or without my husband. My husband ended up shaping up in large part because i advocated for myself and set limits on what behavior I would and would not tolerate, similar to what Franciemarnie said, showing him that there are consequences for his behavior.

I agree with many of the comments by previous posters, especially that alcohol is the worst thing for someone with PTSD. I wonder if medication could help him? His PTSD sounds pretty severe, would he consider medication? I don't know if he is someone that is against taking medication but if he wants to keep you, he needs to do everything possible to help himself get better.

I wish you luck with this situation, it sounds really difficult.

 

[Shanny Banany]

Difficult situation....I can relate. It may be that he cannot be employed right now with the symptoms he's having. He's obviously self medicating with the alcohol, but that is only going to lead to things being worse. My husband has been off work for awhile with PTSD - also from childhood trauma. I wish I could tell you that it will get better if he puts in the effort, but unfortunately that has not been my experience. I am going on 22 years of marriage - and am seriously considering separation. I love my husband, but I am definitely compomising my health over this relationship. My husband has been in therapy for years, has tried every medication that the doctors have thrown at him, but nothing seems to be helping.

I don't have the answers, but I know and have experienced how difficult childhood trauma induced PTSD can be to treat. I hope and pray that you would come to some peace over the decision you have to make.