When To Go?

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I'm in a bad place.

My therapist does not work weekends and he is in training this coming week. So I can not call him for support.

I am scared. Everything is so overwhelming. I cried myself to sleep last night. After being in a fit most of the night either yelling or dissociating. I've been feeling this come on for awhile now.

I tried working through my emotions, being kind to myself and just waiting for this to pass. However my partner noticed I was off and called me out asking if I was feeling sucidal. I decided that maybe it would be best to share with him what's going on. So I did. I told him I was having a hard time and that the thoughts were def. present. I told him it's because I feel the loss of myself since being sexually assaulted. I can't be touched or touch anyone. I haven't hugged anyone in so long. I can't even hold his hand. It hurts me so much!!! And I know it hurts him as well and that increases my hurt. I explained this to him. I just want to be good.

His reply was that I was being selfish and that we could "go out" together, tandem style. I was shocked. I said that that wasn't funny or ok. He told me that he is pissed because with me feeling this way (so down in the dumps) that it was just another sign that he is never going to get what he wants from me. Someone to have sex with and someone to cuddle. I so badly wish I could do this for him but I can't. I've tried and it hurts so much. He says he is in a selfish place right now and that he is tired of not being able to get what he deserves.

I am trying to let my feelings pass by. I am trying to be strong. I want so badly to feel ok. I need advice... When do you know it's time to go to the hospital? How can I handle this better? How can I make sense of all this?

I'm sorry if this post isn't allowed, I'm still just learning and don't mean to cross any boundaries. You can remove this post and let me know what I'm doing wrong. I'm just trying to do something.., anything... Right.

 

[Lilmssunshine]

I don't have PTSD however, I have a mental illness. Sounds to me like you need to go. I try to keep away from hospitals to the best of my ability. But if your asking this question then most likely you know you need to go. It's ok to go into the hospital Hun.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I'm so scared though.
Thank you for replying. I appreciate it.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Dawn,
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time just now. It sounds like your partner just doesn't understand at all. And actually why would he - there is no teaching for events like this in school!

Do you have any anxiety medication that you can use? Do you have a trusted friend that you can call to come round and spend time with you?

Also, I don't know what arrangements that you have with your therapist - but mine allows text messages and e-mails. It does not mean he will reply while he is off duty, but it does mean he will pick up a message as soon as he logs on. Even when my T has been away on training courses he has taken an opportunity to call me in his lunchbreak when things have been really bad. Just knowing he will get the message soon has made me feel better even if I don't get a reply for a few days.

 

[Lilmssunshine]

I'm so scared though.
Thank you for replying. I appreciate it.

What are you afraid of?

 

[Lilmssunshine]

I've only been to the hospital once. But it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I enjoyed it actually. Have you ever been?

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

No I've never been, it just seems so scary. All of the doctors, questions, possible meds. Everything about it scares me.

Plus I have to work today, it's Father's Day and no one can take my shift. I'm thinking about going into the hospital after work but I'm supposed to work tomorrow as well. I just don't know if I can make it through the night alone/with my partner. He is emulating and taking my feelings on as his own making it so that I have to care for him. Which I want to, but seeing him this upset hurts so badly. That's why I didn't want to tell him, but he kinda pulled it out of me. He also doesn't want me to go to the hospital. But my mind is killing me!!! I want all of this to go away.

 

[Lilmssunshine]

It's selfish of him to not want you to go to the hospital. That's not supportive!!!! He will get over it. It's worth a try. Your job will understand I'm sure. They have too.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Thank you, I will try to figure this out.
I don't want to do anything stupid. I'm just so overwhelmed, so thank you for being supportive.

 

[Lilmssunshine]

You will most definately figure it out. Your very welcome, we're all here for you. Just trust yourself. Do what's best for you and take good care of YOU because you are your best advocate. Nobody can take care of you like you can. Going to the hospital is a good thing! So don't be scared. You deserve the support the hospital has to offer. Plus the food is good lol.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you young? Have you only been with him a short while? I'm asking because it is in this stage of life and relationships that we discover the true nature of people. That is, if it just isn't in him to be supportive, it just isn't in him. Yes, some of it can be learned, but not all of it. That is, empathetic people tend to be empathetic people, and non-empathetic people.....well, you can't really teach or develop a strong sense of empathy if it isn't in you.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I am 24.

We have a 3 year old together and ever since I was pregnant we have had issues. But we went to couples therapy and started to work things out. Than I got sexually assaulted and everything has changed. He spent a while thinking and telling me to fix myself and to snap out of. To be normal again. I tried, I'm trying... So very hard. I've been in therapy since it happened. But I just can't for the life of me feel comfortable with things like being close to my partner. I just want nothing to do with physical touch or being intimate. At times he has blamed me. At times he has blamed himself. It's been a two way street. He's very hurt by this and is having a hard time dealing. Therefore sometimes he has a very hard time being empathic because he is to consumed by his own pain.

He does try to be supportive, I just think something is blocking it.
I've gotten at least half decent at coping but recently the weight of how I feel seems so heavy. I am still just trying anything to cope. I appreciate everyones replies. Thank you so much.