General When To Tell?

[BewitchedBewildered]

Some of you know my story, with someone who has had some treatment for PTD for almost 3 years. He was well managed for most of our time together, but still had occasional depression and numbing. He did isolated periodically, but he would respond to texts every few days when it happened. He suddenly isolated completely. He will not respond to texts or answer phone and we are long distance.

It's been almost 5 months now. I know he is gone and am trying to move on. Taking care of myself, etc. However, I worry every day. He told me once that he would never hurt himself, but he also told me that I was the only one he had told about the PTSD.

So, I worry and see more and more about PTSD and suicide. My issue is if I should tell someone who is in contact with him, I think. I can contact his sister, but not sure if I should. I have no reason to believe he'd hurt himself, but I also never thought he'd throw me away without any word. Just not sure.

I don't want to forever regret not doing something if he does hurt himself. But, I also don't want to betray his trust in case he does reach out. If I do tell, he may just shut out his sister and feel he can't come to me if he needs. He may have already cut off his sister.

Any advise would be welcome.

 

[Luigi]

My immediate reaction is. let it go and move on! Two really difficult demands, and I'm sorry for your pain. I'm feeling tired.....wish I could help more....please circle back

 

[kahlan]

Not knowing, and the not knowing what to do about the not knowing is one of the hardest things when you. care about someone. (Hugs) for you. Honestly I would probably contact the sister and ask if she could just check in on him. It will help you feel better and if he's not okay he can get some support there. I don't think its a break in trust to make sure he's ok...maybe when you talk to her leave out the ptsd and say he'd been having a hard time the last time you did have contact and that you just wanted to make sure he was ok.

 

[StarChild]

I have no reason to believe he'd hurt himself,

Dear BB, it's exactly as you wrote: You have no reason to... Except the one that you still can't/won't let go completely... If you now contact a friend or a sister, it would be more than obvious, that you still want to have contact in one or the other way, by "making sure he'll be okay".

Please get me right: It's not about not caring or casualness. It's simply about: The friendship is over. He finished it! It's about to accept it as it is: Over! You know, our heart does sometimes funny things, by not really want to accept the sometimes hurtful facts of life. And by trying to convince itself that "a little caring for his well-being" might not be that bad.

But in truth, you're still seeking a way to show him, that even though he ended the relationship, you're a forgiving soul, you're still caring as a "friend" of course. And who knows, maybe, maybe, he'd finally see what a wonderful, loving women he gave up and maybe he might return to you...

Advice? Please stop trying to find a "hidden" way to contact him. Because it's just a self-deception, to not completely to have to let go (IMHO).

but I also never thought he'd throw me away without any word.

Another question: Where is your pride? Where is your self-esteem? After a partner kicked you out of a relationship the way he did, the last thing you should do is to dangle after him... It's simply undignified. He made it clear to you: He doesn't want to be part of your life anymore. That means, that from then on he, his well-being, even his entire life and also his health is not your business anymore.

But your well-being, your self-esteem, your own life is your business. So you and only you should now make every effort to find your way back to your own life. To make yourself feeling comfortable in yourself and learn to live a life in dignity and personal responsibility towards yourself. Why? Because you're precious!

 

[arfie]

The fact that you feel like you can contact his sister makes me think you should. If nothing else, a potential friend is a terrible thing to waste. It doesn't need to be about him.

Be gentle with yourself. It is a tough spot.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

We've all read the literally dozens of threads where sufferers freak out when others intrude upon their lives. What if he is fine and you put him in a bad place because you are in effect forcing your way into his life through his sister? Don't put the sister in the middle. It isn't your responsibility to tell her he has PTSD, as it is a VERY big breach of privacy! I'd be PISSED to high hell if an ex of mine started calling my family and telling them things said in confidence!

My advice? Don't do it. I don't believe this is about him at all. I believe it's all about you. He let you go. It's time to let him go.

Edited to add

If you posted in the sufferers section "Sufferers, someone you left five months ago, how would you react to your ex contacting your family and telling them you have PTSD?" I can pretty much guarantee you'd get a lot of responses like mine.

Point blank, you don't understand our safety and trust issues. You have no idea how big of a breach of trust and safety this is. Not just with you, but in general. You may say that oh, I don't care if he doesn't trust me anymore, but it's not that simple. It's about his general feeling of trust and safety and I do not believe that you have a right to interfere in his life at this point and threaten that. You have no reason to believe he is hurting himself five months out and you want to potentially ruin his relationship with his sister. Please don't do it. You CANT be his savior!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

My question was from consern. I don't want to hurt him, that's why I asked it. Yes, he betrayed my trust, that does not mean I want to betray his. I just worry. This was not a few week relationship, he was my best friend. I don't want to cling to him and I don't want to hurt anyone.

 

[sisu]

I think you should do whatever will make you feel better. :) Although I appreciate viewpoints from sufferers from time to time, I believe there are instances where they are a bit harsh. Sometimes you as the carer need to be selfish and think of yourself first. If it will make you sleep better at night to know he is okay, then call his sister. Be kind to yourself! ((hugs))

 

[ill]

What about contacting his sister and just doing a little bit of a check in, telling her you haven't been able to contact him and you just wanted to make sure all was well? You don't have to disclose the confidences he shared or his condition, but her response may give you the reassurance you need. If what you learn is not reassuring, you can always decide to disclose his condition if you think it will help. But as a sufferer who is in a relationship with a(n undiagnosed) sufferer and once reached out to his family only to have shit get way, way worse: Do tread carefully and do make sure that it's in HIS best interests and not your own because if it blows up, it will be in his face and not yours.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I may reach out to his sister, but won't tell her about the PTSD.

 

[Badger]

Solara, for some reason you misinterpreted what she said. You have a tendency to be harsh to supporters, that you might need to consider working on. She stated from the beginning of the thread she was NOT intending to tell the sister about the PTSD. Was your comment supportive? No. Not based on the facts in her post and not phrased nicely either.

Bewitched- it cant hurt to contact the sister in the way you suggested, if you find out he is fine, it will help you let him go. Theres no shame in being human.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi Bewitched,

Other sufferes may not agree with this, but I get somewhat angry when sufferes treat their supporters the way this man has been treating you. While I fully understand why we sometimes get overwhelmed and feel the need to isolate, I find cutting a partner, friend etc. off, out of the blue, without a word, very out of order.

It is no way to treat someone who has supported you. Regardless of PTSD. I can totally understand why you worry. If a friend or partner did that to me, knowing they were in a bad place, I would worry too. It is commen decency to let someone know the relationship is over and not just vanish into thin air. PTSD does not prevent us from sending a text or a letter explaining it is over and why.

I can not jugde whether you should contact his sister or not, but to be frank, I do not see you owe him anything. You only owe yourself peace of mind.

I wish you the best of luck.