Relationship When To Throw In The Towel?

[monicaelise]

Okay, so I've read (and reread) the "Waiting" post above a few times now. I understand that we should respect the sufferer's desire to cut us loose if/when that's what he/she wants, but what about those of us in limbo?

I came here a while back trying to get more information/insight on PTSD simply because I knew he'd been diagnosed and that many of the behaviours sufferers exhibit seem to look a lot like disinterest does in a normal relationship (distance, numbness, irritability, etc.) Anyway, I'm back because we decided to take a break a week and a half ago. He is not in a good place. He was medically separated at the end of May because of injury and combat PTSD and hasn't been able to get any help since leaving (he still hasn't been properly processed out). He really is falling apart. The symptoms of his PTSD are getting worse and he's been in a lot of pain.

All that said, I'm not sure he wants to continue a relationship but I can't get him to cut it loose entirely either. He's completely removed himself from contact over the past three days, but he still has my things (including keys and a HID security device for my condo), is picking up my mail (not sending it on or returning it to the sender) and hasn't changed his fb relationship status. I know it's only been a week and a half and that his sense of time is really screwy (it has been since I've known him), but when is a reasonable time to start dealing with the pragmatic issues of a break up? I don't want to push him over the edge by forcing his hand with anything right now (he kept saying "I don't know if I love you, I don't feel anything right now" and that "he needed to figure things out"), but this limbo state is maddening.

How long is a "normal" time to wait with a PTSD sufferer? Should I go to him? I know that I can't count on the advice from normal relationship sites/books/experts as the need for space for a PTSD sufferer is not the same for non-sufferers and every stupid article on "space" generally comes down to the idea that if someone needs space, the relationship is over. I'm really okay with it being over but I want to make sure I'm not pushing a sick man right over the edge, and that it's really an end to the relationship he wants, rather than just the disorder manifesting.

 

[monicaelise]

bump... anyone have any insight? I have no idea how to handle this situation.

 

[Nicolette]

All that said, I'm not sure he wants to continue a relationship but I can't get him to cut it loose entirely either. He's completely removed himself from contact over the past three days, but he still has my things (including keys and a HID security device for my condo), is picking up my mail (not sending it on or returning it to the sender) and hasn't changed his fb relationship status. I know it's only been a week and a half and that his sense of time is really screwy (it has been since I've known him), but when is a reasonable time to start dealing with the pragmatic issues of a break up? I don't want to push him over the edge by forcing his hand with anything right now (he kept saying "I don't know if I love you, I don't feel anything right now" and that "he needed to figure things out"), but this limbo state is maddening.

Only you can decide when to 'throw the towel in' however I will say that what you state sounds somewhat controlling and he wants his cake and to eat it to - he has you hanging in 'limbo' as you put it.

If it were me I would be asking for my key back until he worked out what he wanted, not permitting him to pick up your mail (or have it re-directed) and start from there. FB status is really irrelevant in the whole scheme of things as that could just be a mind game with you, an oversight or he may be confused.

If he is confused then that's okay, but there needs to be a degree of separation IMHO otherwise you will inadvertently create an unhealthy boundary if you work things out as there could be a next time and he will think he can string you on. People with PTSD need clear and concise boundaries - you don't have to be mean but just straight to the point.

Should I go to him?

As it has been said many a time on here by men themselves - if they want to be with a woman they will be; the woman won't have to chase them so my answer would be 'No'.

Good luck working out where to go with all of this.

 

[monicaelise]

Thanks Nicolette. I appreciate the response. I just meant go to him to get my things back and wrap things up, not to get him back. I didn't want to start a scene or upset him in the middle of whatever it is he's going through, but I don't know how long is reasonable to wait for him to get off his duff to ask for his keys, etc. I wouldn't dream of chasing a man, even one with PTSD. :)

 

[Nicolette]

Sorry for the misunderstanding monicaelise - I would go sooner rather than later as if he disappears or cuts contact you miss out. There is no scene collecting your things unless someone makes one. :cautious:

 

[here4him]

This sounds so familiar. I watched my sufferer spiral down and was pulling away. He finally told me he couldn't be in a relationship, but that he still wanted to hang out with me and talk and that I could call or text him anytime. I called him a few days later and he was in a pretty foul mood because his dad was making him go to a family reunion. He had called his dad the day before and said he couldn't go and his dad gave him a horrible time until he agreed. He was minutes from walking out the door. So, I didn't take his mood personally. One thing he said on the call was that right now, he really needed a friend. Okay, I'll be his friend.

About 4 days later, I send him a simple text asking how he was doing and got no response. I sent another a few days later as I was leaving for vacation. Nothing. When I got back from vacation I called (knowing at this point he had totally cut me off) and left him a message saying I couldn't contact him again and that if he really wanted to be my friend, he would have to come to me. We were still friends on Facebook. Then, about two weeks later, out of nowhere he blocked me on Facebook. He didn't just unfriend me, he blocked me. I hadn't contacted him, posted anything to him, liked or comment on anything he had posted, etc. I have no idea why he would go to those extremes and it really, really, hurt. That was the point where it became obvious to me that, not only did he not want to be my friend, he wanted me out of his life in every way, shape, and form. As I sit here now, I still am trying to make sense of it all, but it seems sense is out the window when it comes to PTSD. It is a disease that makes people do things that just don't make sense to the rest of us.

I still love this guy and I'm having a horrible time moving on. His birthday is next week and I desperately want to send a card. Just something simple and nice, but I'm afraid it would just make him mad and make him hate me more.

 

[matthios]

I see people without PTSD displaying exactly the same behaviors time and time again. Don't be so quick to excuse this with "it's PTSD"... sounds more like the societal trend toward taking zero personal responsibility.

 

[monicaelise]

Well we've spoken a couple times since my original post and he sent a sweet little text the morning before last so he doesn't seem to want to totally cut ties just yet. He finally got squared away with the VA so I'm in no really hurry to push him. I have some huge health issues I need to get sorted before I can think reasonably about any of this so I'm just going to let things lie a bit longer. I don't really want him around right now but I have no idea how I will feel in a few weeks..or months. If he cuts ties now, I would be fine with it however.

 

[Suzan]

Just throwing out a question...is he on any medication, cause I know from personal experience that it can play a big role on the mood swings etc. I have really good days where I want to put my all in the relationship that I am currently in and then there are other days when I just want to crawl into a hole and not talk or see anyone. Especially if the doctors are in the process of changing meds or increasing/decreasing the dosages. Still not an excuse and I feel bad when I have had a down time but something to maybe be considered. Good luck to you

 

[monicaelise]

He's been on Prozac for quite some time. He's definitely in need of a med check though. It's been well over six months and he does drink (though not excessively) so I don't think it's really working the way it should be anymore. More than anything, I think he needs to be back in therapy and to find a doctor who can help him with pain management. His separation from the military was medical and the primary reason was a back injury that basically destroyed three lower lumbar discs. Right now he's got no pain medication and no therapist, so he's doubly screwed. Hopefully, now that he's hooked up with the VA, at least those issues will get dealt with. I miss him but I can't handle him right now.

 

[discarded]

I left my sufferer 9 weeks ago today after 28 years together, 7 with PTSD. He was shocked when I said I was leaving and upset and said he wanted time to sort himself out and maybe not make it permanent. All contact has been made by me and mostly in relation to our 11 year old daughter whom he has basically cut ties with also. If I ask how he is or anything about us he shuts down on me completely, so I don't go there anymore.

I am at my wits end as to how he is feeling or what he wants. I can't survive financially for much longer without property settlement and I am scared that will push him over the edge. He sure won't discuss it with me or plans for our daughter.

So my point is, I have no idea what time frame should be set. He originally asked me for 3 months before I did anything about property settlement and I will honour that request. I have no idea if he is getting any help for his latest relapse or not and I have no intentions of asking. Any ideas would be appreciated.

 

[monicaelise]

Personally, if my financial well-being was at stake, I'd take matters into my own hands and just go to the bank/lawyer/whoever to get my affairs in order. I don't have the same pressure, however, so I'm not sure that's the best advice. You have a great deal more invested than I do. I'm afraid I just haven't got the right perspective as my relationship was quite new when all of this garbage surfaced.

At this point, I just don't want to deal with any of it. I'm tired, old, and I didn't sign on for this.