When Your Abuser-parent Is Near The Throws Of Death

[Recovery4Me]

When your abuser-parent is near the throws of death- there are so many ways to handle this situation, but none of my choices sit well within. So, I reckon what I am asking for is shares of what others may or may not have done, near the time of their abuser-parent's death.

In all honesty, I may not seem to hear you or may appear to miss your point (should you elect to share). So I may ask for clarity if there are any responses that puzzle me. However, it will not be from intent of malice, but perhaps my PTSD symptoms clouding my comprehension during this season. I am exposing a few core drivers as I have nothing to lose that I will not have to live with, inside myself, for the rest of my life. My truth is I do not wish to see her before she dies nor attend the funeral.

My Momster had beautiful qualities and at times made me so proud. But she was/is inherently spiritually ill and extremely vile. My list is so long and the story so entrenched, it is suffice to offer that, I have often secretly felt – my Mom was demon possessed. Scoff not… until you recoil at what a body in sheer utter madness can exude during power struggles. Needless to say, I’ve had “No contact” per instruction of several therapist over the past 17 years.

My point? It is really a question, “Is forgiving someone in your heart to the best of your ability enough to allow them to pass without tether- be it in self-guilt, self-shame, or mental trauma bonding on this plane?”

See much to my shame… I do not wish to visit her before she passes and I do not wish to go to the funeral. It would be doing the right thing perhaps- but for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately, she died to me long ago and this is just her body leaving.

I feel sad to offer this truth – I loved/love her for those moments she managed to be kind, for the others she helped along their way (she was a psychiatric nurse) but I will grieve her loss of opportunity to have chosen, to have had a moral core.

She has less than a month to live and I needed to share. Thank you for any suggestions, thoughts or shares.

***If you pray, please intercede and say a prayer for her to be received in heaven… it is all that I have left inside that I can do for her is to pray that prayer that she is met with mercy and grace.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My mom whom was one of my main abusers, went into the hospital then quickly hospice for untreated colon cancer. She lived for about 3 weeks and then died 7/23/16.

My family was pushing the f*ck out of me to visit her. She just told my half sister (same dad not same mom) that she wanted to tell me she loved me. Sure she did. ** eye roll ** She still had massive control over me, I was still horribly terrified of her. I didnt want to go see her.

My family, including my dad whom lives with me, said she was a born again Christian (oh ok, so she isnt a cult leader anymore?).

My therapist supported to not go see her and said that his opinion would be different if she was trying to make everything right before she died. Appologize to me for what all happened. And my stipulation was in front of someone else, like my dad or my sister as none of my family believes me and i would have never gone in there alone anyway.

Anyway, I didnt go see her. I didnt go to her memorial. Even so as she was dying my life span around out of control. Posting on here, others sort of holding onto me here, is the only way Ive been able to gain some sort of stabilty feeling. Not stable at all but feeling just a little bit more stable than before. This spinning got worse when she died but again, folks here helped.

I have two threads, one when she was dying and one when she had passed. Maybe reading through them will help? If so and you want the links to them, just let me know.

You dont need to go see her to forgive (if you choose to) and you dont have to forgive to heal. Acceptence is much easier for me.

My therapist said after that if i would have gone to see her, I would have backed way up in therapy. Though my family today are throwing insults when they can because of it. You do what you think is right for you. Dont let any one person to influence you. :hug:

 

[Poofycat]

but for the wrong reasons

Can you add more detail here? I don't see anywhere in your post where your not wanting to see her again is for the wrong reasons. It sounds like the healthy decision to me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@lostforgottensoul Thank you for the extra special share. Your words rang true inside of me as I felt deep empathy for your personal journey. (((hugs))) You are indeed quite an courageous, sensitive as well as an intelligent woman.

I do feel some sadness for you but am extremely grateful to know that there are others, that have walked this path. It helps with accepting myself within these circumstances.

I have underwent the passage of my Father's (the sexual abuser) death. I prayed for him as well, managed to speak forgiveness, my unconditional love for him as the Hospice Nurse held the receiver to his ear). He then passed away within minutes, after clinging to life for hours unhooked from the IV and resuscitator. He was waiting to hear from me...before he allowed his passing.

However, this time, his silent partner- my Mom, evokes unbridled feelings of anger. There is more involved of course with my Mom's and my saga. *Such as she tried to sell my daughter* Yet it is not the actual tally of those betrayal infractions that stings as much but within my newer heaviness of my acceptance.

So yes, please include your links within my thread. I will read them as my emotions permit (((hugs)))). Thank you for walking with me a bit and listening.

@Poofycat

I do not wish to visit her before she passes and I do not wish to go to the funeral. It would be doing the right thing perhaps- but for the wrong reasons

Attempting to offer clarity for your question -
My wrong reasoning would be to serve or to appease my sister & brother within an customary ritual for mutual grieving plus respect at the funeral. To see my Mom at this time would allow closure for her (the right thing)... as my Dad seem to need before passing.

But my closure was/is not found within these constructs or symbolic resting of the sword. My closure was/is found through the rooms of therapy, God, meditation, introspection and now peer support.

Thank you so much for responding in kindness.

 

[scout86]

I kind of doubt there's a simple way to walk that path.

I've never thought of my mother as an 'abuser', although I suspect my T might have a slightly idea. She wasn't a particularly good mother. I don't think we ever formed a conventional attachment. Bad is it probably sounds, it's a fact that I never loved her. I felt a sense of duty, and a few other things, but not love. My T says he's sure she had NPD. He alluded to other potential diagnosis, and I suspect maybe borderline. She never sought any help because SHE was perfect, why would she need help. Others just needed to step up their game and adjust. My dad, I actually had a relationship with. He adored her. I also have a younger brother, also a narc.

So, my dad died first. I went to see him before he died. We had a good visit. He'd asked me to say something at his funeral. Obviously I went. No one was out and out rude to me, but my brother made sure I wasn't treated like a member of the immediate family.

When my mom died, it was a little unexpected. Got a nasty call from my brother and arranged to go see her. I guess I was open to the possibility that we might have something like you did with your father. I figured I owed her that much. As it was, she was unconscious and I'm sure didn't know I was there. I seriously doubt she'd have cared. I know how that probably sounds, but I really think it's accurate. What came from that visit was another nasty scene with my brother. I didn't go to the funeral. They say those things are for the living and there was no one there who wanted or needed anything from me. My brother might have been glad to have me for a target, but I wasn't real interested in playing that game. Didn't go, don't regret it. Had I know my mom was in the condition she was, I'd have saved myself the 5 hr drive.

My T asked me once if I ever expect to speak to my brother again. I said, "Maybe it he wants something." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Oh, bone marrow? A kidney?" That's where that's at and that's where it's going to stay.

You have a wonderful attitude! My thoughts on the whole forgiveness thing........ I'd like to think that as long as someone's alive there's a chance they might see what they could have done better and act to make amends. So, I'm open to that possibility, even in the cases (like my mom and brother) where it doesn't pay to hold your breath. I WANT them to get their spiritual act together, just like I want the chance to do it myself. But that doesn't mean I have to make myself available for target practice. Good luck as you navigate this!

 

[Poofycat]

To see my Mom at this time would allow closure for her (the right thing)

Is that the right thing though? She is responsible for her own feelings. If she needed closure then she should have tried repair the damage she caused to your relationship with her. The only way it would be the right thing to do is if it provided closure for you. And it sounds like you've already found it/are still finding it.

My dad, who I am just learning probably sexually abused me as a small child, and definitely is guilty of neglect if nothing else, passed away suddenly 8 weeks. So I'm struggling with the closure issue along with you and @lostforgottensoul. And am interested to read opinions from others about this, so thank you for this thread. It's such a complicated issue.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So yes, please include your links within my thread. I will read them as my emotions permit (((hugs)))). Thank you for walking with me a bit and listening.

Of course! :hug:

What Else Can Happen??

That one is the night I found out she was in the hospital dying. I titled it what I did as that day was the day we found out about the Orlando shooting at Pulse (where I live) and was just calming down about it.

You'll see a lot of craziness about my family in that one. Not just pushing me to see her but a ton of shit I had to sign.

My Mom Passed This Morning

I see you were talking to me in that one.

This one: What's Wrong With Me??? was a ton of help to me after. Shimmerz advised me to stop and until I did my world was spinning so far out of control, I was unsteady, I couldnt see to get ahold of anything. This one has been of great help.

I hope those help. Either way, you know what's best for you so if that's not going to see your mom before she passes then that's what it is.

If I can be of more help just let me know! My private message box is also always open! :hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Poofycat (((hugs))) if you accept

I know for some people that prayers are a touchy subject but I tenderly offer some of mine for your heart wrenching journey and my sympathy for your recent loss. May God or the Higher Power that you believe in ... keep you close during this season, so that you may heal the scars.

So please feel free to share among this thread as your spirit or heart leads you (as this is one of the beauties among this board- companionship). True? As well thank you again for your words and kindness. It means much to me at this time.

@scout86 Your offer and story touched my soul. As well, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. ((((massive hugs my friend)))

Often when I have read your post, I felt a kinship and much wisdom within your sayings from your therapist. To me, you are like a little quiet Buddha at times within some of the post and diaries. I have much respect for the words that you share for so many on the board and at this time much gratitude for the story that you chose to share with me (us) today.

But that doesn't mean I have to make myself available for target practice

^^^^ This, I can hold onto this. Thank you sincerely for being you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@lostforgottensoul :hug::notworthy: Thank you. :tup:

My words are jumbling now, so just my heartfelt thanks to you at this time. Namaste

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug: When my last living parent died, I heard about it after the fact and I did not go to the funeral. I just felt relief that he could not hurt anyone ever again.

 

[scout86]

I am so sorry for your loss and pain.

This might be more relevant than I think it is. At least it speaks to how weird and different all this can be.

I'm not aware of any pain. I miss my dad.....like you might miss the nice old guy who lived down the street and you shared coffee & cookies with. I miss my mom..... Like you might 'miss' the scary old lady the neighborhood kids all think is a witch. (She wouldn't have struck you as being like that, I don't think, just kind of the impression she left in her wake, for me.)

The 'loss' part of that I've spent a little time thinking about. If there was a loss, and I suppose there was, it was probably the 'loss' of a normal childhood. Not that I see mine as having been that bad. But, there's nothing to compare it with either. My T gave a cool homework assignment, where he asked me to imagine a different family and then to consider what I might have learned differently in a different situation. I've had a lot of fun with that. And maybe learned somethings. And maybe acquired an appreciation for things that never were but might have been? Still thinking about that one! :)

Thank you for your kind words! I'm not really all that cool, but I think my T pretty much is! :cool:

 

[Recovery4Me]

@gizmo :hug::hug: Yes I understand those feelings as I felt relief when my sexual abuser died as well. I do however recognize your loss and offer my respect.

I think for me this is what I mean for many members within the word loss offered within Scout's quote below:

I suppose there was, it was probably the 'loss' of a normal childhood.

This is the loss for many of us. ^^^^

To Scout - My family model was Star Trek when I was impressionable and very young. This is where I watched and dreamed of people being accepted regardless of color, religion or creed. A place (starship) where they faced dangerous situations together as companions or as a family. They rarely created danger from within their own circle.

Tolerance, an peaceful mission and mutual respect became real to me, because of Lucille Ball's Studio that put on the air- Star Trek.:alien: My feeling like an alien (from the trauma as a child), didn't seem to matter so much seeing others were different too.

*Forgive me, in the 60's there was not the internet for research, little acceptance of therapist nor boards such as there are now for an 10 year old.:hilarious: The things we hold onto as children often weave into our present!:clown: