What Else Can Happen??

[lostforgottensoul]

My mom was taken to the hospital today by her sister, my half sister called me to tell me just now, they think she has some sort of retical caner. My half sister went to go see her and she is very weak, very pale with a grey tint to her skin.

I asked my sister if the Dr gave her any sort of time frame, she said no but it didnt look good. She asked if I wanted to pass on message and I didnt know what to say so I said "tell her I love her"...and I do...but i dont at the same time.

I havent seen or spoken to my mom since I was 19. All of this hatred and anger i have...what she did...but she's my mom...what am i supposed to feel? Because at this point im about ready to take a f*cking baseball bat the every god damn thing I own!!! This...this I cant handle. I cant go to her funeral before I heal this shit. Shes only 61, she wasnt supposed to die before i heal this f*cking shit so that I could handle going to her funeral.

I WANT A f*ckING BASEBALL BAT!!!!!

 

[KeepingTime]

tell her I love her"...and I do...but i dont at the same time.

Lost I am so sorry. There is no right or wrong way to feel about this for you. I believe you can hate someone for what they have done but love them as well. You are right, she is still your mom. So you feel whatever you see fit. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

How far away are you to her? Do you have any desire to see her? Anything you want or need to say to her? Just asking. My mom is gone now and memories just now surfacing of her and I can't say a da*n thing to her now...but I still love her and I still miss her. No one understands that.

Hugs to you. I can only imagine how you feel right now. Here's a bat! Go crazy...just don't break anything you will cry over later.

 

[Chimera]

@lostforgottensoul
Offering support.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How far away are you to her?

Shes in a hospital in Gainsville, Fl; Im in Orlando...its about a 3 hr drive. She doesnt live in Gainsville (my sister lives there so its how she was able to go see her) but I guess shes in some cancer hospital and my step mom said it has the best hospital in the State.

Anything you want or need to say to her?

I have things id like to say to her but things i can say to her? I have no clue. Ive been shaking and rocking myself for an hour. Really? A heartless cult leader 17 yrs later makes me do that? But ive never denied that its complicated. I have not a clue what i would say to her...what i could say to her...or even if i could see her. My dad offered to go with me if i wanted to. That was sweet. Is it heartless of me to not want to see her? Good god...this is why i wish i had my therapist's phone number. My step dad's death was complicated...this is impossible.

Here's a bat! Go crazy...just don't break anything you will cry over later.

Oh ive taken a bat to my house before. Not as bad as i would now. I want to break everything in here. Probably its a good thing i dont own one or i would.

Thank you @Chimera!

 

[KeepingTime]

Yes there are great hospitals in Gainesville. If she is there for treatments then maybe you have some time to process this a little before you have to decide if you want to see her.

Does your t have an office number that you can call during office hours?

I'm sure you are just riddled with emotion and adrenaline right now and therefore shaking.

Do you have anything to help you sleep tonight?

 

[Sideways]

Part of you probably does still love her - even if it's just the part that holds onto the idea of the mum you wish you had.

And I can't fathom how confusing it must be for you right now, but you don't actually have a timeframe to heal, or to sort out your emotions for your mum. She is what she is, and she may be dying. That's awful. There is a tragedy to that.

You may never get to offload at her (if that's what you one day wish you could do), you may never get to forgive her in person or tell her to go to hell. And if the small child inside you is holding onto the hope that maybe one day you and her sort shit out and you finally get the mum you always wanted (not gonna happen - but we hope for these things anyway), the window of opportunity may be closing.

And trauma or no trauma, losing a parent is a big deal. It's scary - even just as a concept.

So thoughts are with you. Don't try and rush the way you feel, or force feelings either way. There is no right or wrong. Either way, it's still pretty awful.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does your t have an office number that you can call during office hours?

Yeah, I can call tomorrow and make an early appointment but it will have to be before work and if he has an opening. My sister (i think its whom it is) called back and im ease dropping on my dad talking to her. A minister to go see her....what religon would she ask for exactly?

And if the small child inside you is holding onto the hope that maybe one day you and her sort shit out and you finally get the mum you always wanted

Whoa theres some strong emotion right there. What i had a glimpse of...it never happened that i remember so maybe my "inner child"'s wish/pain/or something...was my mom holding me. She never even hugged me...my whole life and the closest i had to a "hug" was when we went to Disney and I put my arm around her for a picture and it felt weird but i had hope that day (maybe the Magic Kingdom was f*cking with my head) that she would come to her senses and see what she was 'missing out on'. We only went because we had to look normal.

I have no clue what i feel. It feel like intenisty of everything all at once but when i read that part it felt like someone was ripping my heart to pieces.

Oh do i wish i still had drugs here...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you have anything to help you sleep tonight?

I do but i think im gonna take an extra xanax instead of the other half of the muscle relaxer. I have to be careful as last Monday something combined in a weird way and i was falling asleep at work like an addict and i dont know why or what did what so im trying to be extra careful with stuff that make me tired.

 

[Sideways]

what religon would she ask for exactly?

I think at this point, just about anything even remotely plausible as a "religion" would do!

Seriously though, it's a reality check for that inner child. Take it easy.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry this has to happen in your life right now. I think you do need a hug and I want to give you one, so here it is: :hug: (I'm in my mid-60s, so take that as a grandmotherly hug, OK)?

I agree about any religion right now would be of help to you, but not the cult. Try a non-denominational one or maybe the Unitarian Church? That last one takes things from a lot of other religions and uses them to help people. I was raised Unitarian and it is a kind of religion that does not intrude too much upon your life. You might like it. I am Christian now, but since I don't know much about your religious past, that was why I suggested the Unitarian one. It is kind of a "generic" church, for lack of a better word.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally I would pause to consider what this situation "means" to you and deconstruct it rather than go with the inclination to act out and awfulize. The facts are you've been no contact and were okay with that up to this point... so why the change? The emotive response... is it something deep? You still think taking a bat to your room or the urge to self medicate is a good way to deal with this significant change?

Don't get me wrong here... I do feel empathy for your mother's health situation, and you're conflict. However, the two "go-to's" that your brain defaulted are maladaptive. Hope you have some more levity today and can get enough safe space to deal with and sort out your underlying conflict.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Lost I am sorry that this is happening right now in your life. I had cut off contact with my sadistic father for so many years and heard that he had died after the fact. I just felt weird that he was finally never going to hurt anyone ever again. I did not miss nor grieve his death. I was glad he was dead.

Your situation is so vastly different than mine. I see the conflict and inner torment of a rush of all kinds of thoughts and feelings. Would you be able to call a crises hot line and get help to sort out these things with you?

I agree that doing drugs and ruining your home with a baseball bat is counter productive and would only mess you up more. You have some difficult choices to make right now and getting some kind of help would really be beveficial.

I realize that you love your mom but have so many thoughts and feelings to express to her. Is it possible to write a letter to her that you do not intend to send to help you get out of your head and be able to see more clearly what the issues with your mom is? Just a suggestion.

I am sorry that this is happening right now when you clearly are not ready nor prepared for this one. Whatever you choose there will be consequences to you and you will have to be able to live with your decisions.

You are in my heart and prayers. Please keep updating here on everything that is going on:hug: