What Else Can Happen??

[sun seeker]

She was asking for a minister and i was wondering what religon she would choose.

Is she so dissociated that she actually believes she is doing this for a good reason, or is she covering up? I don't know why after everything else you've written, but this is really getting to me.

I dont know if i could even go to her funeral (work would give me 5 days bereavement) but right now, today, i cant go and i guess that fact makes me a horrible person...

No, it does not. Don't listen to your dad.

I really feel for you in this situation. Was wondering just recently what I would say to my own mother if she were on her deathbed... and there are different parts of me that feel different ways. Maybe it's like that for you, and each part needs a voice? I wonder about writing letters (just for you and maybe your therapist) from all the different points of view, so they can all have their say? Just a thought.

 

[sun seeker]

rocking myself like a complete idiot or something...

Rocking isn't an idiotic thing to do, it helps you calm down by producing alpha brain waves. Fast rocking, which I imagine is what you are doing (I would be) isn't so calming, but if you can slow the rocking a little it will work better. If you could listen to a soothing song and rock to the rhythm it might help.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is she so dissociated that she actually believes she is doing this for a good reason, or is she covering up? I don't know why after everything else you've written, but this is really getting to me.

That ate at me too when I over heard it. She never changes, not even on her death bed...looking "normal" and "christian" and my "very christian" family (or so they say) quickly forgets and excuses what her, herself, put on facebook. A video of Chris Angel doing magic 'walk on water' trick and she put "Jesus did it, why cant we?". The family may not "get it" but i know exactly why she said that. She believes that she can teach herself to use 100% of her brain 100% of the time (which is impossible by the way) and "earn" her way to be a "little god" or "demi-god" and be able to walk on water.

I hoped that posting would finally show my "christian" family that i am telling fhe truth but nope. They just brushed it off as "a bit odd" and still calls her christian as she also calls herself. Hidding...pretending with her mask even on her deathbed.

Maybe it's like that for you, and each part needs a voice? I wonder about writing letters (just for you and maybe your therapist) from all the different points of view, so they can all have their say?

I was just thinking about that. Well writing another letter anyway. Like to say to her what i want to now but wont be able to.

Different parts with different letters...maybe. i can say my "inner child" has a ton that "she" wants to say. Just not sure i could write it.

If done, id do it on here. I couldnt do that on paper. Here i sort of feel not alone with my head. I know that sounds stupid but right now...especially right now...i wouldnt trust myself alone with that sort of emotions. Id probably say "f*ck my dad and step mom" and go get dangerously f*cked up.

Rocking isn't an idiotic thing to do, it helps you calm down by producing alpha brain waves.

I didnt know that. Im oddly not fast rocking. Im shaking super bad...hard to walk bad...but i..or i suppose my "inner child" rocks at night at times while "she" does my other odd nightly thing that calms me at night and so ive been doing the same. Found myself doing that today at work at times too. I do it sort of unconsciencly sometimes.

 

[sun seeker]

Shaking is a way of releasing trauma, so not a bad thing... but if you've had enough and want to calm down for the night, try crossing your arms like you are giving yourself a hug (hope that makes sense) and rocking yourself slowly, gently... if you can put on some soothing music in 6/8 time (like a lullaby) that is even better.

Thinking of you. This is a really tough situation. But you will get through it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @sun seeker! Will try.

My "inner child" wants badly to write that letter (its so weird how clearly i can feel that...and it feels so seperate from me) but its gonna have to wait til tomorrow. Will try to after work tomorrow as at work im fully numb but i feel that at least that one letter is important to write. Thank you for the idea and all the help! :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

You're welcome. Hope it helps. :hug:

 

[scout86]

But they are all saying that if i dont and she dies that i will regret not going. Will i?

People always say that. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it's not. Sometimes we let stuff like that bother us as just one more way of beating ourselves up. My own perspective is that it's not something I would have regretted and here's why.

She never changes, not even on her death bed...

Maybe sometimes you get that cool death bed happy ending. More often, you get the same people and the same stuff you've always gotten. While you're thinking about this, ask yourself how you'd feel if you showed up and THAT was what you got. It might be good to imagine "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Because that might be a little more probable than one of those fairy tale happy endings.

 

[The Albatross]

I am glad your employer is willing to shift things so you can go to a therapy appointment, and I hope it works out so that you can. "they are all saying that if i dont and she dies that i will regret not going. Will I?" is exactly what you need to decide and choose... without regrets or revisiting it compulsively.

I'm still kinda hoping your mother's situation isn't as dire as they say it is and that she'll be eligible for treatment.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My sister texted me at work then when i got home asking if i was home. I didnt answer then she called the home phone and i didnt answer it. I just want one f*cking day where i dont talk about my mom or what everyone else (most dont even believe me) wants me to do. Just f*cking let me get to Thurs and my therapist...just let me figure it out as not one god damn person on this planet knows what im going through as no one had to live my past but me and to hear "you should go" and "she wants to see you before she dies" makes me feel way too guilty and too much like a horrible person than i should feel. She did this. She made me deal with all of this. f*ck what she wants. Its my time to get what i want and what i want is to make up my own f*cking mind without outside unhelpful input!

They moved her to hospice today. God damn this!!!!

 

[Sideways]

Right now, any sentence that gets thrown at you that starts with "You should..." or "She wants..." - let the words sail right through one ear and out the other.

There is no "correct way" to handle this situation. I'm not a believer in trying to assess a course of action based on "will I regret it?" I make the best assessment of what I need right now, and what I can handle right now, so that looking backwards, I'll know that I did the best I could with what I had at the time.

 

[Heather]

@lostforgottensoul I wish I had something of substance to add. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

Hugs.

Heather

 

[The Albatross]

What Ragdoll and Heather said.