When You've Tried Everything

[Sunset]

I'm just hitting the point where I feel like I've tried everything. I don't do well on SSRI's - massive suicidal ideation, and I don't feel safe trying them. I have no one to check on me, if things go wrong I'm pretty much left on my own, and I'm far too terrified of mental hospitals to ever call 911 no matter how bad things got. Even thinking about it or hearing it suggested sends me into a massive flashback/panic attack. We've tried other stuff, at this point it's just keeping on upping the dose without me feeling any better.

I've tried therapist after therapist. Each one leaves me feeling worse than the one before. They tell you be open, be honest. But when I really was honest, the answer was that's not true, you're not cooperating. I am, I really am. It's just, what they say sounds like nonsense, and they don't believe you when you keep saying you don't understand. Expensive nonsense when I can't even afford my copays. And that's not counting the ones who outright tell you the trauma didn't happen, or act like you're sick and need treating because you dress differently or don't practice religion the way they do or something - which is most of the ones I've seen.

It's affecting my work. And I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything I possibly can and things are just getting worse. A lot of it is that I feel like I need to have something somewhat safe to heal and progress, but I also feel like I can't have a safe place until I do. It's just been one long string of one thing going wrong after another, to the point where I'm basically constantly having to worry about my physical safety no matter where I am. If it's not a direct threat it's a threat to my ability to feed myself or have a roof over my head.

And I know I could never do an inpatient program. Even therapy, that's part of the problem. The flashbacks and panic are so strong from that sort of environment that it's impossible to feel safe. Even the thought of having to go inpatient triggers suicidal ideation. That was the threat during the abuse, behave, fix your weird life and shut up about the abuse, or we'll say you're suicidal and lock you up. Half the therapists you have to spend 5 sessions just convincing them that sort of thing is actually possible and you're not just making it up. They never believe you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you seeing therapists trained in treating trauma?

 

[Sunset]

I have, yes, as much as I could find and afford. It's just...what they can't do is fix the reality around me. And none of them seem to know how to handle trauma instigated by a therapist.

Like, right now, I got stuck living in a place I don't feel safe. The landlord went from nice to really weird and creepy and threatening. But there's nothing he's done that's both clearly illegal and actually proveable, so I'm stuck because I can't afford to rent two places

That sort of thing happens all the time. And I've never heard anything from a therapist that actually addresses that. What happens when bad things keep happening, over and over again, from seemingly unrelated sources, for no reason that I can see. All the positive affirmations and changing self-talk and whatnot don't work, because the world they're meant to address is so far from my actual life right now.

 

[Sunset]

The other thing I've found is that even trauma therapists don't really understand how to handle religious-associated problems, especially not in someone who is religious. There's no one who can really get into the depths of recovering from an almost cultic background, without trying to push on religion in general.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You do have a challenge in finding the right therapist. I would also like to add that it is difficult if not impossible to heal when we're not in a safe environment.

 

[Justmehere]

I have trauma from a family member who was a therapist, and it took a lot of work, but I did find therapists who can help. I also went to a specialized trauma treatment inpatient program and it was nothing like other kinds of inpatient care. I had some of the same fears you did, but I went and it radically changed my life. Various self help workbooks helped me too, when I couldn't even handle being in the room with a therapist. Is there anything in your life that helps you feel a little safer in the world? I hope you find something that will work for you.

 

[PandaBear12212]

Have you heard of ECT therapy?

 

[Hashi]

ECT therapy isn't a trauma therapy. @PandaBear, I know you're looking into this yourself - I've responded in your own thread about it. I wouldn't recommend it.

@Sunset, what different types of therapy have you tried? (CBT, DBT, compassion-focussed therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, schema therapy etc etc)

My second therapist was a transpersonal therapist with experience of trauma. Transpersonal means that they're trained in a number of therapy approaches, including metaphysical/spiritual aspects. Not religious, and not her beliefs - mine. I could talk about different ideas of religion/spirituality, and the abuse of those things, and she understood. She also understood when the same pattern in my life repeated - when a theme would come up which you couldn't explain in ordinary terms, but you could understand it from a more metaphysical point of view.

Transpersonal therapy may not be for you, but I just want to highlight that there's much more out there than talk therapy, CBT and EMDR. Before psychotherapy I saw a somatic (craniosacral) therapist, and it was the best thing I could have done. Most of my psychotherapy has been art therapy, dream work and working with Jungian archetypes (again, with a trauma specialist). There are other types of therapy in addition to those - they happened to help me but there are more out there that might help you.

I know it's dispiriting to try one therapist after another, but from what you say I wonder if there are a number of therapy approaches that you might not have tried yet?

 

[Sunset]

A lot of it is just that they aren't covered. I can't even really afford the copays on my insurance as it is. And it's just...it seems like every time I go to therapy I come out hurt worse than when I went in. I'm not sure how much more of trying therapists I can take when I seem to end up with new symptoms to deal with after each one.

 

[PandaBear12212]

A lot of it is just that they aren't covered. I can't even really afford the copays on my insurance as it is. And it's just...it seems like every time I go to therapy I come out hurt worse than when I went in.

I can relate to this exactly. I had the choice to me admitted to the hospital today but I strongly resisted it because my family and I can't afford it. And I know how it feels to have the constant downward spiral feeling.

Right now I'm starting a blog/vlog about my experiences and how I'm feeling. It gives me more will power to push through this, knowing that I could be helping other people with the disorder, and helping other people understand the disorder. I'm tired of people calling me/us "overdramatic, crazy, overemotional" etc.

 

[Sunset]

A lot of it is what I said - that I seem to come out of therapy doing worse than when I entered, and that the new symptoms seem to stick around.