Where Do I Start?

[WonderWriter]

I want to leave my husband, but I’m terrified. I am so scatterbrained that I don’t even know where to start after I tell him. T says I should start with a conversation with him, but what if he threatens suicide again? How can I find a place to live when my finances are a wreck? 15 years ago, I’d have it worked out but my mind and mental health have deteriorated to the point I can’t plan anything anymore. Suggestions?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I want to leave my husband, but I’m terrified. I am so scatterbrained that I don’t even know where to start after I tell him. T says I should start with a conversation with him, but what if he threatens suicide again? How can I find a place to live when my finances are a wreck? 15 years ago, I’d have it worked out but my mind and mental health have deteriorated to the point I can’t plan anything anymore. Suggestions?

Did you ever plan? Were you a capable planner? If you had the skill at one time, you still have it. So, I'd close my eyes and ask that part of me to help me with planning a new life, that will be peaceful, fun, and much better. In otherwords, tell yourself you know you have the skills, and you need to find where they are generated from in your mind.....tap into that place. If I'm in a stressful situation, I ask for inner support in a quiet moment. I'm a paper planner....so I type everything out....so I won't forget. You can have your plan in your phone or notes......to add to as you think about it.

Were you medicated or are you off medications? If stress is going to increase, you might want to go see primary care doc and get meds adjusted.....rather than waiting till you can't do anything. You using marijuana or drinking more regularly (that can make planning difficult). Eating properly? If you aren't getting lots of protein (not carbs), and vitamins, this can cause you depression, your brain won't work, and even cause lots of fogginess where things aren't clear and problem solving takes a real dive. I take 2 Flinstones chewables a day, plus some other vitamins. If you can't afford vitamins, you can get your doctor to prescribe you them....if you have insurance. But physically, the body doesn't work or think well without the right nutrition. I personally drink premiere protein shakes once a day, as a supplement, to insure I get enough protein and vitamins. They are high in protien and vitamins, and low in calories. Make sure you alsoeat breakfast....that can make a world of difference in how the day starts....if you aren't. Lastly, if you aren't getting enough iron or protein, both can cause weakness, fatigue, irritability, and brain fog.

Getting exercise? Getting out of the bedroom every day, for the majority of the day. Getting out in the sun for a nice walk will help get your vitamin B levels up.....it's the quickest way....only 20-30 min a day.....might as well walk. Exercise activates endorphines and the chemistry in your brain, to help you think. So, if I was making a plan, I'd include my meds, meals, medical appts, exercise, and sleep.....proper sleep helps you to be able to think........and if you have a phone, there is a wonderful health app on there, which records your sleep, steps per day, blook pressure, and quality of sleep....it tells you how many hrs of sleep you get every night, a weekly average, and gives you feedback on ways to improve quality of sleep. So if you are having sleep issues, try tracking your sleep and try getting into a routine, that has been a God-send for me!

As far as your fear about your husband threatening suicide. You have options:
1. Ask him to come to your therapy and you tell him there....
2. If he's abusive, have a suitcase in the trunk phone, meds, credit cards/cash, all important papers you'd need, and your car keys and other things you'd need to be away from home and a place lined up to go beforehand for the night.....just so you are safe. So, you got a friend to visit while you figure things out....family.....a shelter?
He's responsible for his own reaction. Saying he's going to kill himself is manipulative in the worst way. However, I'd write down the number of your local suicide hotline, and leave it in several places (near his bed), on the fridge in case he balls it up and loses it in a fit of fury.

 

[Friday]

but what if he threatens suicide again?

Call 911. On the spot. Tell them you’ve told your husband you’re leaving him and he says he’s going to kill himself. ANY TIME // EVERY TIME during this process that he threatens to kill himself, call 911.

 

[EveHarrington]

I HIGHLY suggest making a plan and then working toward goals which will make independence easier, BEFORE telling him you want a divorce, of course given that your safety is not at risk, in which case that is most important and you should enact an exit plan ASAP to ensure your safety.

Can you start saving money? Move belongings out little by little to a friends house or storage unit, so you have what you need, but it’s not so noticeable?

 

[WonderWriter]

I’ve tried to leave 3 times over the past two years, each time he uses something to manipulate me to stay: first us was our daughter then his mother’s broken heart and the last was suicide. I HATE conflict and confrontation; that’s where I lose control of my F,F,F,F mechanisms. T suggested I have the conversation first so it isn’t “sprung” on him - which I understand, but at the same time I’m sure I will get yelled at because he goes to work every day and does housework for “us.” I may be worried over nothing, but my gut and experience say otherwise.

 

[coraxxx]

Do you have someone to go to when leaving? Or to whom you can talk about it openly? A brainstorming with someone you know might be very reassuring. To support you through this process.

If you want to avoid confrontation and you have tried several times already perhaps the best option is to leave all at once and unilaterally. And eventually going no contact for a moment so you don’t get the worst of the storm and you can have time by yourself out of the manipulative fog.

Then, you start a divorce procedure.

Btw, I had to deal with someone threatening with suicide every month on average. The only good response is indeed to call 911. No matter if you believe it’s bluff or not. Because there is no way to know. Because it’s not up to you to manage a situation where it’s true. Any threat of suicide is serious. And if it’s bluff and he’s not suicidal he’ll deal with the police or the ambulance himself.

 

[Friday]

I’m sure I will get yelled at because he goes to work every day and does housework for “us.”

That’s called “normal human behaviour”.

One goes to work. One takes care of the children. One does housework. Whether one is married, or not. It’s not some sort of special behavior he only does because of you. He’d be doing it on his own, and he’d be doing it with the next Missus.

Yes. In marriages responsibilities are often divided/shared by whatever agreement the people in the marriage make. Also? Normal. Human. Behaviour. Does that mean the distribution is fair? Pfft. Of course not. It’s agreed upon. That’s a totally different thing. If it’s dramatically unfair (the classic “I flipped burgers to get you through medschool” type) then divorce courts usually order a settlement that accounts for that. I was awarded serious 6 figures in “balancing” -that I never saw a dime of, but that’s what happens sometimes- c’est la vie.

Keep in mind this fear of being yelled at. Seeeeeeriously. As One of the BENEFITS of divorce? He will no longer have any “right” to yell at you, ever again. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. Zilch.

Spoiler: Opinion & Experience

((Technically speaking you could enforce that inside your marriage, too, but having been married & divorced I DO get the strength of long-standing patterns. (To give an example? One of my rules in nearly all of my relationships is that “it’s okay to yell -at me/others- when there’s danger, or you’re far away”. Other times? I’d better find it sexy as hell, or amusing as f*ck, because if not? There will be consequences. <<< Except with my mother. Who is pretty much the CAUSE of that rule. Because she’s popping off like a frog in a sock on a daily basis. It annoys the hell out of me. But I shrug it off. Because it’s “her”. It’s how she operates. And we have 40 years of patterning/habits there. Which doesn’t mean I don’t throw down with her, I very often do. Or hang up the phone. Or walk away. But unlike every other relationship... HER yelling is in my soft-limit zone, whilst other people’s is in my hard-limit zone. >>>

Similarly with my exHusband of 11 years... there were habits and patterns with him that we never going to change, because there was simply too much history between us. One of the things I’ve learned in life? The people closest to us are the ones we break our own rules for. And are also the ones we CREATE rules for others around. Which rules a person inspires me to break for them? In one of the best ways I can learn to know both them, and myself. Becuase I don’t have to break my own rule for them. That’s a choice. And it’s a telling one. On whether being with them inspires me to be a better person / like myself better, or the exact opposite. Relationships? Create synergy. For better, or worse, but never zero sum, in my experience. So IMO it’s my responsibility to point my life where I’m better for being with them, than worse.))

He might be “allowed” to yell at you while you’re married. Because you don’t like confrontation, and have always allowed it. The same way he has a say in how you live your life, and his opinions carry weight, because of the agreements between the two of you. Starting with marrying and continuing on throughout the marriage. The moment you get divorced? All those privileges and rights, vanish. Done. Finis. Game over. Never need to be afraid of him yelling, again. Which doesn’t mean he won’t yell. It DOES mean you never have to listen to him yell, again. Because he’s no longer your husband. And he has no right to tell you what to do, or how to do it, or what his thoughts are on... anything. At any volume. New rules. All new rules. That (each of) you get to decide on, on your own. Outside of the marriage. For your own life.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Call 911. On the spot. Tell them you’ve told your husband you’re leaving him and he says he’s going to kill himself. ANY TIME // EVERY TIME during this process that he threatens to kill himself, call 911.

Did you ever plan? Were you a capable planner? If you had the skill at one time, you still have it. So, I'd close my eyes and ask that part of me to help me with planning a new life, that will be peaceful, fun, and much better. In otherwords, tell yourself you know you have the skills, and you need to find where they are generated from in your mind.....tap into that place. If I'm in a stressful situation, I ask for inner support in a quiet moment. I'm a paper planner....so I type everything out....so I won't forget. You can have your plan in your phone or notes......to add to as you think about it.

Were you medicated or are you off medications? If stress is going to increase, you might want to go see primary care doc and get meds adjusted.....rather than waiting till you can't do anything. You using marijuana or drinking more regularly (that can make planning difficult). Eating properly? If you aren't getting lots of protein (not carbs), and vitamins, this can cause you depression, your brain won't work, and even cause lots of fogginess where things aren't clear and problem solving takes a real dive. I take 2 Flinstones chewables a day, plus some other vitamins. If you can't afford vitamins, you can get your doctor to prescribe you them....if you have insurance. But physically, the body doesn't work or think well without the right nutrition. I personally drink premiere protein shakes once a day, as a supplement, to insure I get enough protein and vitamins. They are high in protien and vitamins, and low in calories. Make sure you alsoeat breakfast....that can make a world of difference in how the day starts....if you aren't. Lastly, if you aren't getting enough iron or protein, both can cause weakness, fatigue, irritability, and brain fog.

Getting exercise? Getting out of the bedroom every day, for the majority of the day. Getting out in the sun for a nice walk will help get your vitamin B levels up.....it's the quickest way....only 20-30 min a day.....might as well walk. Exercise activates endorphines and the chemistry in your brain, to help you think. So, if I was making a plan, I'd include my meds, meals, medical appts, exercise, and sleep.....proper sleep helps you to be able to think........and if you have a phone, there is a wonderful health app on there, which records your sleep, steps per day, blook pressure, and quality of sleep....it tells you how many hrs of sleep you get every night, a weekly average, and gives you feedback on ways to improve quality of sleep. So if you are having sleep issues, try tracking your sleep and try getting into a routine, that has been a God-send for me!

As far as your fear about your husband threatening suicide. You have options:
1. Ask him to come to your therapy and you tell him there....
2. If he's abusive, have a suitcase in the trunk phone, meds, credit cards/cash, all important papers you'd need, and your car keys and other things you'd need to be away from home and a place lined up to go beforehand for the night.....just so you are safe. So, you got a friend to visit while you figure things out....family.....a shelter?
He's responsible for his own reaction. Saying he's going to kill himself is manipulative in the worst way. However, I'd write down the number of your local suicide hotline, and leave it in several places (near his bed), on the fridge in case he balls it up and loses it in a fit of fury.

Yup....and diall 911 if it actually happens.