Relationship Where Do We Go From Here?

[Try]

Thank you-I am inclined to agree with you peekieblue- just this past week he to me to leave him alone then has messaged me since firstly apologising then almost being empathetic towards me to then flaring up again saying he doesn't want to talk to anyone.

I think his team are onto him in terms of drinking as he has undergone blood and blood pressure tests this past week and if he has maintained the drinking levels he has exhibited the past few months since I saw him last two weeks ago I will be surprised if he isn't admitted to hospital.

There is a family history of alcohol abuse and I firmly believe he is in denial about the quantity he consumes.

I empathise with your situation too, it is so very hard when sometimes you get a glimpse of the person you fell in love with and then all too soon they turn into someone quite different.

I am just going day by day at the moment and have been short in my responses to him as I don't know how long the civil spell will last and there is little point encouraging a dialogue with him. I certainly don't want to get back on a roller coaster anytime soon and he still refuses help.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Your term 'the roller coaster' is so exact. I miss my ex at times but I really don't miss those roller coaster moods and outbursts.

Sadly if your man is not even seeking help then I'm afraid I don't see where you can go from here. That may seem harsh but it appears he has a very long way yet to go on this journey before there is going to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

My ex did embark on therapy and it reached crisis point. I am happy on my own now but am a firm believer that if my ex suddenly finds himself more 'together' following the therapy then we will form back together again but I am certainly not going to put my life on hold as this may never happen. Only last night I received an email from him saying how he has behaved and him wanting to break away from me and our ñew home together was the worst decision he has ever made!

Your man really needs to hit rock bottom, accept he has a problem and seek help. Sadly Try, that could be years down the line. My ex left the services 15 years ago. Don't put your life on hold.

You appear to be very level headed and will make the right decision in the end. Sometimes it takes time as I know it's painful.

 

[Try]

It seems indirect communication like emails and texts are easier for them to communicate with! I too had a long email essentially apologising and then this has since instigated contact again.

He called me some ten times the day following the horrendous attack on a soldier in London as he was particularly upset by it. And he was drinking I might add. I ended up seeing him last Friday and he was absolutely fine, he stayed over and although nothing happened it felt 'normal'.

This week he has been in contact and no further plans to meet have been made. Once again I am in limbo. It's my own fault for being in hand I know, but I knew he was distressed when he called last week, plus of course I still love him. Back on the merry go round I get :(

 

[PeekieBlue]

You will eventually tire of that 'merry go round', until then I would suggest you create a little distance. Maybe be supportive and kind if and when he really needs support but the rest of the time try to leave him alone and concentrate on yourself. I hope things get better for you as I know how hard it is.

I made the mistake of sending an email the other day just saying 'just wondering how you are?' and it was completely ignored. I guess after all of my support he has finally decided to move on and cannot even be civil. It's one thing for partners to have Ptsd but that doesn't mean they should get away with doing things that is completely just about them and does not take into consideration your feelings.

Eventually you will tire of the behaviour so I hope your partner can see what he is doing to your feelings sooner rather than later.

 

[Try]

It's funny you should say its one thing for them to have PTSD but another thing to let it all be about them, last night I had a tirade of obscenities sent by text and then he rang me to tell me there's 'nothing there' and I have 'no f-ing respect'

Irionic seeing as I was working a night shift and this was 1am. I finished my night shift at 8am this morning and by 8:30 I was back in my main job. Suffice it to say he was drunk but it was what I needed to hear to snap me out of it and take off my rosé tinted spectacles.

Yes he has PTSD yes he knows it and acknowledges everything that goes with it, however it is not an excuse to offload at me when he's had a skinful and he knows right from wrong.

I hope I will gain strength like you have and put this behind me

 

[Bilby]

it is not an excuse to offload at me when he's had a skinful and he knows right from wrong.

You've hit the nail on the head there with that statement, Try.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Try, you will one day hit a wall and say enough is enough. You appear to have self respect so that day will come. Keep your chin up.

 

[nursenurse]

Try, you need to change your name to "Enough" and live by that. Someone out there is more deserving of you for sure. You wouldn't take that nonsense from a friend, why then do you deserve and expect anything less than stellar behavior from a significant other.

 

[Try]

Dear all just an update on this as a lot has happened over the past month!

The first weekend in June was a real turning point-I saw him the Saturday evening and a lot of alcohol was consumed respectively-although we got on ok and no problems arose from that. He woke up on Sunday wanting more drink and I only partook of a glass of wine all day-the real problem came later in the day when my son refused to come back from his grandparents as he knew my partner was at home:he rang my mother in tears and she stormed into my house and confronted us both.

It was awful as she is not one to hold back and gave him some home truths in so much as I've changed over the last three years and I'm losing friends and family over him. She left soon after and he was reeling from the revalations. He stayed the night but I haven't seen him since and the messages I've had after have been quite different to previous.

He has apologised for not being there got me and he now knows the effect he has had on me and my other relationships. He has actively sought help for coping with his PTSD and is shortly undergoing alcohol counselling. I think it was the shock of my mum coming in and the stark realisation that none of this has been acceptable which has led to this about turn.

However, I have not seen him or spoken to him since-neither will I do so again. The need has passed for me and the fact he is only now seeking help despite fobbing me off saying he would a year ago has just peeved me even more.

I am glad to report I am pressing on with my life and will be going on holiday in two weeks and have almost completed a course which will lead to a vocational qualification to allow me to advance my career further.

I finally feel I have got to the point if no return and I thank you all for your support over the past few months.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Try, I am so glad you have moved on. It's difficult I know. It's been six weeks since final contact with my ex and I admitted to a friend only this evening that I have coped well as the longer we are apart the happier I feel. It's like a huge weight has been lifted.

You are doing great and I wish you all the best in the future. They say we meet people for a reason. I received such love and romance from my ex which is a positive but the negative things taught me self respect and made me realise how strong I am.

You will, in time I am sure, reflect on this experience and be thankful in a way as you will learn so much about yourself from it.

Good luck x

 

[Try]

Thanks so much, it is true, the longer without contact the easier it is.
I hope he is sorting himself out and is getting the help he needs-now we can both move on x