Inside Out vs. Outside In
I think that there is a spectrum of personal identification, which can be described as Inside Out vs Outside In.
Modern western culture seems to overly promote an Inside Out approach to life, using the outside world as an expression of the inside world. So in the context of belonging, it's about searching and creating an outside world that mirrors our inside world, then we feel like we belong.
Traditional Asian eastern cultures and maybe older cultures in general were more Outside In biased. People start with looking at the outside world, where they fit into family, work, neighborhood, society, from that external orientation and shape their inner identity and secondarily and eventually may discover their inner self, desires, wants, and unique expression.
I grew up within traditional Chinese culture, and one aspect is that there was little importance placed on 'sense of belonging', simply by looking at where you fit in the bigger structure of family, community, culture, society, that's where you belong. Big family (extended) structure was placed above personal expression. While modern society is now more focused on small family (nuclear) where individual wants and needs are higher than bigger family or community.
Isolation
With a society that is more individual, inside out, or small family focused, trauma survivors often times get isolated or banished from society. Out of sight out of mind. Same thing is happening with senior citizens and other minorities who have limited social voice.
Trauma by definition is a experience that completely overwhelms a person's ability to cope. Without our coping strategies, we are literally isolated and alone with intense raw emotions; and unable to process, integrate, or manage them. That alone is very difficult to endure, but society and ourselves add a secondary wounding of banishment, abandonment, social isolation, which can also bring up these feelings of 'lack of belonging.'
When others just can't relate to your trauma (or don't want to), they dismiss it, attack it (get over it), dissociate (get overwhelmed by not being able to fully grasp your story), or you simply don't connect with them. This is immensely uncomfortable & isolating, to try to share a vulnerable personal story, and not be heard, recognized or accepted. Essentially it's a subtle form of out right rejection. So many trauma survivors self-isolate as a protective measure.
I had the toughest time with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. It was already tough enough trying to share parts of my story because I was revisiting those traumatic energies, but wow, it felt so isolating to watch another person's eyes glass over because they were getting overwhelmed. Not only was it isolating, I also felt bad for sharing my story because I felt it was traumatizing them. Adding on more feelings of helplessness and hopelessness on top of the added isolation.
Trust
So it's very natural for for PTSD survivors to have trust issues, it's also very easy to look at trust in black & white terms. When our coping strategies fail and we're helpless to a nervous system that feels like it's out of control. We very easily can come to the conclusion that we don't trust our emotions, we don't trust our body, we don't trust our mind, we don't trust our humanity, we don't trust our 'Self'. This abandonment of trust of our inner world, naturally creates a distrust of the outer world, other people, society, etc.
Without trust, how can there be any sense of belonging?
But trust needs to be earned and proven. It's not simply black & white, it's gray area with many levels. Trust is built up over time; with exposure, experience and proven history.
Inner trust also needs to be rediscovered, reconnected, and rebuilt.
The older failed societal coping strategies might need to be revisited, modified and adapted to better match our reality, personal limits, and integrate all our past experiences. Then those coping strategies need to be battle tested in real life situations, for us to gain confidence and trust. After that, we can drop some of those emergency, instinctual, Limbic, monkey mind, fight/flight/freeze, pure survival coping strategies (ie. dissociation, avoidance, numbing, distraction, suicidal ideation, addictions, etc). One of the greatest survival strategies is our ability to adapt, learning how to discover, use and trust it; can develop amazing levels of resilience.
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btw.
I really appreciate this discussion topic and thread, learned a lot from it, great to read so many different views. I hope what I wrote doesn't come across as too patronizing, it's part of my way of internally summarizing and to develop the big picture.
