Hello!
Great to know there is such a community to support each other.
I'm searching for explanations and finally found myptsd.
After reading Pete Walker’s ‘Complex PTSD’ and many articles about PTSD and its causes, I started to see some of my patterns through a different reading frame and also found explanations to notions I had since a long time. Something, I am sure, many of you are sharing.
The reason I started investigating in the first place, is a recovery journey after a relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder. Moreover I realized that all the 3 ‘important relationships’ I had in my life where with extreme fight types and in one case quite surely with a sociopath. This was a wake-up call and made me asking: how and why. Otherwise I would still think, there is no reason for me to consider the possibility of maybe being a trauma survivor since childhood…
In many ways it feels as if a puzzle is coming together, piece by piece. But there are ruptures, too, and I feel myself struggling. Over Christmas I had the opportunity to observe some attitudes of my parents, live and in action, while visiting them. I observed some shocking ways of interacting (among them and also with me) are indeed present and probably haven’t been any different, when I was a child (and some, I fear, I maybe have adopted myself!). At first I felt my heartbeat accelerating and then realized, that I couldn’t react appropriately. Later, reading Walker that night again, it became clear to me, I might have had a flashback.
My problem is, the picture is incomplete. Firstly, I am almost sure, my parents also gave us children (I grew up with one older sister) attention and genuinely cared for us. They have compassion and are preoccupied about our well-being. Nevertheless there also was this feeling of insecurity and utter helplessness, (father’s alcoholism, constant bad mood and accusing me of being responsible), feeling rightless and shamed (extreme dominance, spanking). Also, compared to Walker’s examples, I think I’m far from swinging to those extremes of “all black and white”, for example. Generally I feel quite well, do normally feel life energy. So I subjectively thought. At least before I understood what my former romantic partners really were. And there is this feeling of being so different… Great insecurity when I need to speak in front of huge groups, repeating shocking events in play in childhood.
Last night I woke up with the understanding, I am in an extended flashback (10 days now) since my Christmas-parent-visit. But again, it’s not the devastating situations I read about, I think. It feels more like a slight depression, an introspective period of time, where I am dedicating myself to all those questions. Now I’m wondering whether I’m just too susceptible to ideas – which made me prone to end up with narcissists, too, in my past! - , or if there is more about it. I guess, there must be more…
Sorry, this got longer than I wanted!
Great to know there is such a community to support each other.
I'm searching for explanations and finally found myptsd.
After reading Pete Walker’s ‘Complex PTSD’ and many articles about PTSD and its causes, I started to see some of my patterns through a different reading frame and also found explanations to notions I had since a long time. Something, I am sure, many of you are sharing.
The reason I started investigating in the first place, is a recovery journey after a relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder. Moreover I realized that all the 3 ‘important relationships’ I had in my life where with extreme fight types and in one case quite surely with a sociopath. This was a wake-up call and made me asking: how and why. Otherwise I would still think, there is no reason for me to consider the possibility of maybe being a trauma survivor since childhood…
In many ways it feels as if a puzzle is coming together, piece by piece. But there are ruptures, too, and I feel myself struggling. Over Christmas I had the opportunity to observe some attitudes of my parents, live and in action, while visiting them. I observed some shocking ways of interacting (among them and also with me) are indeed present and probably haven’t been any different, when I was a child (and some, I fear, I maybe have adopted myself!). At first I felt my heartbeat accelerating and then realized, that I couldn’t react appropriately. Later, reading Walker that night again, it became clear to me, I might have had a flashback.
My problem is, the picture is incomplete. Firstly, I am almost sure, my parents also gave us children (I grew up with one older sister) attention and genuinely cared for us. They have compassion and are preoccupied about our well-being. Nevertheless there also was this feeling of insecurity and utter helplessness, (father’s alcoholism, constant bad mood and accusing me of being responsible), feeling rightless and shamed (extreme dominance, spanking). Also, compared to Walker’s examples, I think I’m far from swinging to those extremes of “all black and white”, for example. Generally I feel quite well, do normally feel life energy. So I subjectively thought. At least before I understood what my former romantic partners really were. And there is this feeling of being so different… Great insecurity when I need to speak in front of huge groups, repeating shocking events in play in childhood.
Last night I woke up with the understanding, I am in an extended flashback (10 days now) since my Christmas-parent-visit. But again, it’s not the devastating situations I read about, I think. It feels more like a slight depression, an introspective period of time, where I am dedicating myself to all those questions. Now I’m wondering whether I’m just too susceptible to ideas – which made me prone to end up with narcissists, too, in my past! - , or if there is more about it. I guess, there must be more…
Sorry, this got longer than I wanted!
