Last Wednesday I watched "part" of the movie Whiplash. It's the new one with JK Simmons and Miles Teller. It won a few Oscars, is highly rated, and etc. All I can say is this - I HATE THIS MOVIE! It triggered so much in me that I fantasize about taking a copy of the movie, bashing it with a baseball bat, then burning it to nothing. My past has emotional, sexual, physical abuse from exes, financial abuse (if there's such a thing) and 4 MVA's in a span of 10mo (Actually 5 but the first was extremely minor) that I was not liable for 5yrs ago. I've been diagnosed with Chronic PTSD and working with a counselor for the past year but I still suffer from anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression, twitches, etc on a regular basis, but I'm learning to cope... most of the time.
Last Wednesday was not one of those times. This movie was awful! The teacher was horrible and there was so much emotional and physical abuse. I felt like it every name he called his students just clung on to me like a horrible sticky film. Then the car crash occurred. I screamed so loud and lost it. Mind you I wasn't "really watching" as I was playing on my computer next to my husband while he watched it on his computer. I would occasionally look but everything came at me in sound and the car crash was the hammer that smashed thru me, breaking any inner peace I had and pushing all of that horrible sticky film into me. My husband turned to earphones after that so I couldn't hear...but I could still see. I couldn't stop crying.
The feelings I have are so angry towards this movie and even today - a week later, I'm still reeling from it. I have these horrible tickles inside of me and I just hope someone can understand. I've tried talking to my friends, but they don't have my issues so it's hard for them to sympathize. One friend does try and will tell me "I understand how you feel", "I can see why you'd be so upset", but he doesn't have PTSD and the way he says it to me makes me want to scream "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, STOP SAYING THAT!" I know he's trying to help so I bite my lip, but I feel so out of control. I want to throw things, break things, and yell "YOU DON'T GET IT! THAT MOVIE IS EVIL!" I'm just not doing well today and I guess reaching out to the only place where I know people would understand. I just want the panic, tickles, angry, uncontrollable feelings inside to go away.
Last Wednesday was not one of those times. This movie was awful! The teacher was horrible and there was so much emotional and physical abuse. I felt like it every name he called his students just clung on to me like a horrible sticky film. Then the car crash occurred. I screamed so loud and lost it. Mind you I wasn't "really watching" as I was playing on my computer next to my husband while he watched it on his computer. I would occasionally look but everything came at me in sound and the car crash was the hammer that smashed thru me, breaking any inner peace I had and pushing all of that horrible sticky film into me. My husband turned to earphones after that so I couldn't hear...but I could still see. I couldn't stop crying.
The feelings I have are so angry towards this movie and even today - a week later, I'm still reeling from it. I have these horrible tickles inside of me and I just hope someone can understand. I've tried talking to my friends, but they don't have my issues so it's hard for them to sympathize. One friend does try and will tell me "I understand how you feel", "I can see why you'd be so upset", but he doesn't have PTSD and the way he says it to me makes me want to scream "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, STOP SAYING THAT!" I know he's trying to help so I bite my lip, but I feel so out of control. I want to throw things, break things, and yell "YOU DON'T GET IT! THAT MOVIE IS EVIL!" I'm just not doing well today and I guess reaching out to the only place where I know people would understand. I just want the panic, tickles, angry, uncontrollable feelings inside to go away.