Who Can I Turn To

[Blackjack]

I am at a loss right now, I don't know what to do or who to turn to.

I saw my T friend today for what was going to be a therapy session for me but ended up helping her through something awful she has experienced and not getting to talk about anything else. She is my friend and I love her dearly so truly don't mind but i was expecting to have a session with her and because it didn't happen I now feel ultra anxious and depressed. I guess it's because I was so relieved at the thought of seeing her and then it not turning out as I thought. Also the situation she was in, that we spoke about at length, has upset me greatly too which has only added to how I feel. I cannot stop thinking about it all. I feel awful for thinking and feeling this because I am her friend and want to help her and be there for her so it's rather confusing for me.

I don't quite know where to turn, who to turn to or what to do now. I am teary, anxious, paranoid, depressed... I feel so selfish and hate myself for it but I had put so much store in the thought of seeing her today and getting some help at last.

I am so sorry if this sounds really bad and selfish of me. I hate myself for thinking and feeling this, she is so incredibly generous and kind to me.

 

[Mim28]

It's not selfish BlackJack. You needed help, and unfortunately, it didn't work out that way today. I can understand how you feel. I really hope that you can get to see someone soon so you can continue your healing.

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry, @Blackjack. If it makes you feel any better, it was great of you to rise to the occasion and be there for her. Any luck on getting a professional T relationship yet? I know your friend's a T, but I mean someone who's not a friend per se, who's not going to need a give-and-take relationship.

 

[Eagle3]

This is why personal friends don't make good therapists, and vice-versa. I know it works for some people, but generally speaking, its best for your therapist to not be a personal friend before-hand. Just makes the therapeutic process easier. Of course, if that's all you can get then go with whatever gets you help, but these situations are going to happen when your friends become your therapists...its really difficult to separate the two relationships.

Due to my background and training in ministry, every time I tried to get some therapy for myself, I ended up being my therapist's therapist...EVERY. TIME. So when I finally found a therapist who really seemed to want to help me, that was the first boundary we discussed, since he was a friendly acquaintance and teacher before he became my therapist. Like, literally the first couple of real sessions we had, I went at length about how I'm sick of being my therapist's therapist and I need to concentrate on me for a change...I didn't want to know anything about his issues, and barely wanted to hear about his life-experiences unless it was extremely pertinent to the issue at hand. Being so honest and upfront about it has really formed a great therapeutic relationship. We can be friendly and have an interesting student-teacher relationship outside the office, but when its my session-time, I am the focus.

My best friend hates mental health practitioners (because she has issues and doesn't want anyone to know/try to fix/mess with her). She knows my background as a lay counselor and psychology student, but I make it a point to NEVER flip into the role of "therapist" with her, and she appreciates that stance...its the only reason she keeps me as her friend! Now, she knows if something major is going on she can contact me for immediate help with an extreme situation that I am well-versed in handling, but I never do any more than the situation requires, and she appreciates THAT too.

I understand your distress right now, and I truly hope you can get some real help in dealing with things. Cyber-hugs if you accept them...

 

[FauxLiz]

Sorry @Blackjack I hope that you get a chance to speak to someone soon. I think it was great that you could be there for your friend the T but I agree with @hodge that you would benefit from a professional therapeutic relationship.

 

[Blackjack]

I am waiting for a referral from my doctors to get an independent therapist but the wheels of the NHS here in the UK turn so slowly it's crazy. I was told the average wait can be up to 12 weeks at the moment so my friend is just trying to keep me sane between now and then. She is actually a ptsd sufferer herself so really understands it all.

I think though that in reality maybe the time is coming for me to stop leaning on others and stand on my own two feet instead.

 

[hodge]

Well, maybe in a few days your T friend will be able to be there for you. It's ideal to be self-reliant but we all need support.

 

[Suzetig]

I wonder if it was the expectation that you were seeing her for a therapy session that's disappointed you. In friendships support is a two way street so, although I have close friends who are therapists, when I see them it's for mutual social support. That means I'll listen to and support them and they'll do the same for me, but it's not therapy.

Given that your friend is a therapist, she should be clear about your relationship with her - friendships can be therapeutic in the truest sense of the word, but they aren't formal therapy and there are very good ethical reasons why our friend can't be our therapist. I do also get your need for support to bridge the gap while you wait for therapy through the NHS, and friendship can do some of that for you.

So rather than meeting her for "a session" maybe reframe it as meeting her for a coffee or a drink or whatever where she can support you, and you support her. That way your expectations won't be that you'll have therapy, you can offer her support but also think about widening your support network so that if you don't get what you need from her - because she's in need of support - you have somewhere else, another friendship, to draw on.

While you're waiting, it might be worth looking at online CBT/dbt resources that you could work on to keep working on yourself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Do you journal? I have learned that I can help myself by writing things down and getting them out of me so it is in black and white and can help me sort through my issues.

I do not think you want to burn out your friend that is a therapist. You do need support from a qualified therapist and I am sorry that you have to wait so long to get one.

I agree with the others that friendship is a two way street, mutually giving and taking. I wish you the best while you wait to get a therapist.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Eagle3 is spot on. 5 gold stars there. Hoping you find the support you need. VB