Who First Showed You Real Love?

[Hashi]

I was one of those who never had anyone in my childhood,teen years who showed love or even caring at all.

Me too. I couldn't understand my therapist when she asked me who nurtured me when I was a child. I simply couldn't grasp what it meant at first, even when she explained it. It's really painful to think this is something I should have had, or could have had, from one person at least. My therapist's compassion for me now is actually quite heartbreaking because it makes me feel this.

In romantic relationships I've been far too guarded and distant to feel anything. I have a sister but she was far too affected by the family situation to offer anything other than her own psychological problems. Still, I think having a sister was why I was finally able to make friends when I left home. At least I'd interacted with someone around my own age.

The nearest I've got to anything is with my two closest friends. At first it was just socialising like other friendships, but over time we've become very attached and important to each other. They never judge me, and will support me whatever their own views are, and - rarely for me - I find it easy to do the same for them.

This is why self soothing is so hard for me. It's still difficult for me to understand or value the concept of nurturing. People assume I like gardening because I like caring for the plants. I don't, I just like the visual effect. I shove plants in the ground and leave them to it. If they survive, then I respect them for it. If they struggle, I unceremoniously throw them out.

It's yet another reason for me not to have children. The only model I have for love is friendships, and I can't stand the idea of dependence (in either direction) or unconditional ties. Virtual hugs are OK to me because I see them as a symbolic gesture. I don't like real life hugs, all I can feel is arms and hands - no emotion at all.

 

[The Albatross]

I pattern after my maternal grandmother's love. My mother doesn't like it because I am so much like her.

I was loved... imperfectly, painfully... I had very young parents. They had their own running drama and trauma. So involved with each other, they didn't pause to consider the damage until my brother and I were already pretty damaged human beings.

 

[ericaboo]

Nobody consistently, but between occasionally visiting family members, my parents (on a rare good day), friends' parents, special teachers, etc. I got some nurturing, and had a remote clue what it meant to receive unconditional love.

The biggest nurturer I had - was me.

 

[Britt.f7]

I would say my grandpa. He taught me compassion, love and acceptance. He never told me my feelings were wrong. He never told me I was wrong period. He just helped me to understand things and develop. I was still damaged, he knew that, but he always treated me special. In a non threatening way. I was never afraid of him. One of the few adults that didn't produce that.

My current husband has given me unconditional love. I think more then he should. I think life has damaged us both, but we do love without conditions.

My children gave me pure, unfractured love. It is a deep, protective love. It is more then I have ever imagined it could be. I was so afraid to have children. It changed the minute I had them. I would definitely say they have benefited from what my grandpa taught me.

A phone call today had me laid out with pain and confusion after and there was no reason for that at all.

That has happened to me with my father, mother, and sister. Mostly my mother and sister. I'd get off the phone and become so depressed and often weepy. They didn't even have to say anything bad. I think I just felt it was implied. An old boyfriend, my ex, and my present husband all said the same thing when they found me like that. "Did you talk to your family?" Not a good sign is it. Old messages can be so strong and hard to lose. My heart goes out to you.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I first felt real love when I had my first child, a son. I had wanted to be a mother since I knew that women were chosen to do that. I was so afraid of being unable to touch my child, or be touched, that I had no baby bottles in the house for several months. After I was successfully breastfeeding, did I believe I could love that much. To open my eyes at night, while holding and nursing him, and have him looking up at me with that wonderful look of total love was magic to me. His laughter, his learning, and his sweet sense of humor.

(Once, I told him not to put him hand in an ashtray...and he sat there and put his foot in it. THAT was hard not to laught at.)

We had a wonderful time, but unfortunately I unintentionally 'shut out' my husband, and that began the unwinding of our marriage. (I ended up marrying 2 more times.)

When our second child, a little girl, was born with severe brain damage, serious physical issues, and extensive developemental disorders, our marriage drowned in sorrow, and ended just after she turned one.

Here, 30 years later, I look back, and realize the only man I ever really loved, is the father of my children. (He just divorced.)

We were at my son's for Christmas, and it was hard to keep my emotions in control, especially since my father hasn't been gone for even a month yet. He and my dad really got along well. My son was sweet enough to bring out the gift that they had bought for his Grandpa, and commented on how much his grandfather effected his life. That was hard, but sweet to hear.

I've learned to believe that if a child knows, and feels loved by a parent, or parents, or any significant adult, then mistakes can be made and fixed. But the child must KNOW they are loved, and that someone's eyes 'light up' when they enter a room. That kind of love can't be faked, and is vital to a child's developement emotionally.

Sorry, didn't mean to write a novel. I just know that early love is more valuable than all the jewels in the world.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know if I pattern it after her, but my mom showed me what love was. My dad did also in the way of how he loved her, and was in love with and for her, overcoming himself to try to give her the life and love she deserved.

I don't think I've seen it since then. I have seen individual acts of it from others toward strangers, and I can say some people or a family member have cared, but it was not love. At it's heart it is something else- self, need, goals, wants, appearances, or duty, or obligation. But, that being said, as they say if a person isn't against you, they are for you. Except for one person in 1983, I was the stranger on the receiving end. And perhaps one man, I haven't seen him since 2000.

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually, I was thinking, who am I to say? I mean, what really is love, in the way of a 'definition'? Because when someone has given to me, perhaps sacrificed for me in doing so or just in general, that is love. Whether it be thinking in the obvious of human terms and living experiences, or Christian beliefs, etc. I mean, I realize I can't grasp the latter entirely, that 'God' (who I believe exists) could or would want to do such a thing, so it wouldn't be unrealistic to say I couldn't grasp the former (people's care or love).

And perhaps there are things I don't know. I don't think I'm the epitome of expressing love to others always, but that is my fault. It doesn't, however, necessarily reflect what I feel or think or believe.

 

[quaintpapercut]

My boyfriend of two years has been the one to show me what true real love is. I never realized that love like this existed as I have never been loved or cared for in this way. It still absolutely terrifies me though as I have never been in a relationship where I would actually be sad if things ended.