Who Would I Be If I Gave Up Lying?

[ms spock]

I was honest as well and told people about the abuse as a child and I got called a liar and all the things that you mention @She Cat and then I stopped that because of the punishments at home. Fair point.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ms Spock Both of us as children told people what was happening. Both of us were called liars and punished for telling the truth. One grew up Where people lying to her was a huge trigger, the other learned to lie to be safe.

How completely sad for both, that trying to be safe and telling the truth brought so much more hurt and pain throughout life.

 

[ms spock]

It is a profound thing @She Cat! It really is profoundly sad - that abuse and Complex Trauma have such long lasting effects.

 

[ms spock]

Yes I am pretty honest here @EveHarrington that is the next step is to stay in my body and actually be honest in my day to day life.

 

[Sideways]

Maybe this is of zero help, but like @EveHarrington has pointed out, for me? Candour here is a lot easier than in real life.

I think the dual anonymity and knowing your surrounded by people who get it is what does that for me. Making candour easier here.

Truth is, most people I'm in contact with in real life are probably just as safe as here - and real life relationships offer more meaning to our lives (so the theory goes). And in real life, I am actually surrounded by people who get the whole suffering thing on some level, I'm kidding myself if I think the average person doesn't know what it's like to suffer. And does understanding the detail and degree of my suffering make real people less safe? Because, I'm pretty good at ejecting myself from situations where I feel threatened these days. My ability to eject myself from situations (Run, Ragdoll! Run!) is pretty fine tuned.

So maybe those fears, and slowly learning that they're almost as unjustified in the real world, might be a big part of it. And if real people have more to offer in terms of connection, is there a fear of real connection that also makes this place safer?

Was there a weaning period for you on this site? Like, when you first joined, slowly feeling safer to be honest here? If so, maybe it's just going through that same teething process in real life? Probably that process could be further along than you think, because you've already got a tonne of insight into what's going on for you.

I'm backing your horse on this one - I reckon you're going to adjust to honesty in real life smoother than you're giving yourself credit for. As much as "lying" is a stick that you can easily beat yourself up with, can you be realistic and proud of how of how often you're already being honest in real life as well?

 

[ms spock]

I'm backing your horse on this one - I reckon you're going to adjust to honesty in real life smoother than you're giving yourself credit for.

Actually I was thinking about this the last week - that I am making heavy weather out of stuff that probably won't be that hard, that I am worrying more than is necessary. This has kept coming to me.

I have everything that I need in life. I just have to be present to enjoy it.

As much as "lying" is a stick that you can easily beat yourself up with, can you be realistic and proud of how of how often you're already being honest in real life as well?

I have been tremendously honest in my life - my siblings are alive due to my honesty and bravery. I was so courageous. I have often been honest and been on the outer due to saying what was unpopular. I have said what was required or what everyone else was thinking but didn't say. So yes definitely I have been courageous. Very. Courageous.

 

[Sideways]

We use our trauma as our yardstick. And gives us distorted perspectives about our behaviour and others. The behaviours of our abuser, or the dysfunctional behaviours we used to survive - it becomes completely black and white.

Like lying. My abuser lied to me. Pathologically. That was his in. So when someone comes on here and says "I have a problem with lying", the instinct is to freak out at you. But your lying? Not anything like what my abuser was doing. By the same token, you see yourself mimicking the behaviours that you used during your trauma and the panic to be nothing like that is like, ARGH!

The reality check, though, completely different. You are a good person. Deal with it! Your lying? An objective perspective for just one moment reveals exactly what you've just said: your honesty is one of the key elements of your courage. Your "lying issue" pales in comparison to what you can (and have already) achieved through your honesty.

Bettering ourselves is great. Accepting that you're a pretty awesome person who is honest, often, and when it matters, is just as important.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Who would I be if I stopped lying?

I am a very honest person. How honest I am here, I am also in real life. But I have a "normal" mask I show the world. I do not call thay lying as everyone else is doing the same thing. Most don't show their deepest darkest secert to the world. And most would just say what the other wants to hear to get out of an impossible arguement or situation...as there is no winning.

The lying you did in your trauma was both necessary and basically the same thing. "I am normal, nothing bad is happening" and most kids do the same.

My therapist says, a lot, that you can't judge your child self back then and what you did or didn't do back then (and said) inside of now an adult mind. It's not fair as you didn't have the maturity and life experience that you have today. So you can'r judge that "lying" that happened back then. It's nor fair to.

In real life, I will always tell you the truth. Hell, I found $40 cash at the Walgreens ATM and handed it to the cashier (whom packeted it) when everyone in line has the jaws dropped, as well as the roommates ar the time. Everyone saying "I would of taken that" and then my roommates at the time calling trying to get it (and failed).

My point is I did that as I am honest. If I pocketed that I feel would be stealing. But today still have a mask to the world saying "I'm normal and nothing bad happened". As does the rest of the public. It's nof smart, in my opinion, to spill your entirity to the world.

I don't know if that helped any. To answer your question, you'd be you. I don't call anything you described as lying. But even if it is, it is needed to keep you safe. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

I guess some days I get a glimpse that I am not as bad, wrong, inadequate or as worthless as I was taught that I was - thanks for reinforcing that for me.

 

[Fadeaway]

Ms. Spock.After reading a few of your threads along this line, I think you are being way to hard on yourself. While it is admirable to want to improve yourself, I think the solution is working on the root of the issue. Just trying to be more honest isn't going to help in spontaneous situations where you feel a need for self-preservation unless you address the root issues first.

@Ms Spock Both of us as children told people what was happening. Both of us were called liars and punished for telling the truth.

And that right there is part of the root issue. Since I am working on that addressing that issue via my adult self-going back and listening to my child self and what she had to say, I can honestly say this is more helpful than trying to address the byproduct.

You are honest here because you don't fear us calling you a liar or reacting in a way that rejects or denies a horrible truth. You know that we believe you and you know that we accept you no matter what horrors of your past that you reveal to us. Unfortunatly, in society, we don't know how people are going to respond. For people who had supportive responses, they are going to feel less vulnerable in being honest. So they way to solve the issues IMHO is to try and create what it would have felt like to have been responded to in a supportive manner.

It is my hopes for myself that this will carry over into my general interaction with people.

I often create what I call "do-overs" in my mind via maladaptive daydreaming. I imagine myself going back in time to key moments and telling my child self what she needed to hear so despite all the bad stuff happening to her she can have a secret source of support from that she can carry with her. It might sound silly, but it is helping me be honest with others in current time outside of this site when it comes to letting people know when I am struggling or not. I tend to think that I have to pretend bad things haven't/aren't happening to me because no one wants to hear my problems or that it is going to negatively impact them or their opinion of me.

 

[scout86]

I often create what I call "do-overs" in my mind via maladaptive daydreaming.

I'm not at all sure that's 'maladaptive' daydreaming. I think it might actually be good and helpful.

@Ragdoll Circus , I'm wishing we had that 'superlative like' button for that last post of yours.

 

[ms spock]

Ms. Spock.After reading a few of your threads along this line, I think you are being way to hard on yourself.

Despite working on this - it is still a significant problem for me at this time. I have improved out of sight - but there is a way to go yet!