Who Would I Be If I Gave Up Lying?

[Deleted member 541]

@Ms Spock Is it because maybe someone is lying to you, and it's triggering to the point that you are now hyper focused to fix this within yourself???? Just asking and you don't have to answer.

 

[ms spock]

***penny drops*** @She Cat

 

[Deleted member 541]

***penny drops*** @She Cat

Not sure if this a good or bad????? Here in the states, when we say the "shoe dropped". It pretty sure means that it ain't good. Would you clarify? And if I've upset you, I apologize, wasn't my intention at all....

 

[ms spock]

Not at all @She Cat. I mean that things are clicking into place and I can see what you are saying is having an impact on me. The penny dropped for me means that what you are saying is right.

Thanks for your insight.

 

[ms spock]

So I have been working on this quite a bit, and unfortunately I have spent a lot of today ruminating on this. The biggest problem I think is the lack of assertion. I don't stand up for what I think, feel, believe and I just let other people call the shots. I go into freeze and fawn. I am doing less of freeze and fawn.

I did speak to B about organizing to have all these guys come and work on the car at the back of the property without consulting me. I was having a panic attack from looking up and seeing this man walk across the land - like WTF! and B says oh yes they are coming from now on. That was the worst possible way to inform me of the situation.

I haven't spoken to him about the big lie/omission and I will do that shortly - but I will try to do that in a non shaming way. Having not been honest in my own life I can see how things like this eventuate. I will talk to him about it. I need to finish my prac and hand in my work first though. I need to take care of me. My psychiatrist said talk about it when I have finished.

 

[lymphomamama]

I read the thread. I admire you for trying to be better, maybe more whole by being honest. It's gotta be hard.
I'm 52 & struggling to let the truth out. I get a lot of doubt from people who grew up around me. They don't see how it could have been happening & I was not telling & no one saw. I can tell now because my parents and brothers are dead. I still like every day. I lie to my therapist, tell her I'm doing ok when I'm paranoid, manic, and off my meds.

 

[ms spock]

I am a work in progress @tripitena.

I am learning not to bash myself up so much about it all. Though I had a bit of a relapse about this over the weekend.

 

[ms spock]

Who Would I Be If I Gave Up Lying? I Would Be A Person Who Can Sit With Her Fears and Anxieties. If I Could Be With My Feelings, I Could Let This Defensive Behaviour Go. If I Could Sit with the Fear. I Wouldn't Need to Manipulate!

 

[ms spock]

The fear of dying does come when telling the truth - it is pretty overwhelming. So I need to build up Distress Tolerance in my mind about that.

So the fear of dying, the fear of being savaged, the feel of being annilhated, the fear of being attacked, the fear of being totally abandoned etc etc comes up - so I need to work with these states before I can step over the line.

And another thing came up that is an issue around the lying and why I do it but I forgot it.

I have three days of prac left now and I am very tired so I will leave this for a bit before I start working on it.

I need to feel safe in my home as well. I haven't been feeling safe in my home.

 

[ms spock]

Was honest with my sister. I did okay. It was good to be honest. I took a risk and it paid off. It is so provocative. I react as if I could possibly die. Old childhood patterns coming up.

 

[ms spock]

I was also more honest with my partner over a series of conversations.

I have been experience a high level of terror over even thinking about telling the truth or disagreeing and saying what I really think. At this time I am going to back off this, just for a short while, so I don't totally lose my shit and fall apart. This is what I have to negotiate - the tsunami bounce back at times. But I am getting better and better at managing this shit.

I am feeling such panic over telling the truth that I am no longer able to sleep in my bed each night. So this has really stirred up some deep stuff. So back to sleeping in my bed, then baby step by baby step.

 

[ms spock]

To give up lying I would need to feel I am not likely to be raped in retribution - that is what my parents did to me. I was punished for telling the truth by extreme abuse.