Whole Family In Crisis Now

[Loubylou]

hi

It's been a long while since I've been on here...but I'm badly needing some friends and advice to keep me grounded.

I am just dealing with the fact that one of the people who abused me has also abused my child. My son is wanting to die and struggling with his anger and emotions. We are getting professional help.

However in the mean time my husband is really finding it hard to deal with the fact that not only was I abused but my son was too. He loves us both very much but can't deal with his emotions now.

1) he has started to drink when me and son have gone to bed (this I hate as I associate it with previous abuse)

2) he is struggling to be motivated or productive

3) his anger can flare up at me (basically we both are so so so angry at the abuser)

I have just had to write an email to the abuser regarding something else and now I find myself totally disabled...I keep checking my email every 2 seconds for a response. I am hypervigilant. I am scared to talk further to my husband in case it makes him worse - he has to try to get through the day at work.

I feel very alone with such big feelings and also frightened that my husband's late night drinking make him a 'bad' person. Do you think he's a bad person?

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. Please any help. support or kind words gratefully received
L
xx

 

[p-no]

Hi Loubylou, and re-welcome to the forum. :)

I feel very alone with such big feelings and also frightened that my husband's late night drinking make him a 'bad' person. Do you think he's a bad person?

I think you've answered your own question in your thread's title... He's in crisis, as all of you are. That does not make him, or any of you, bad people. But as you are all in crisis, you all need help.

Sometimes it can be real help (as opposed to avoidance or denial) to stay at a distance of one another. For a limited period of time. And get back together, also, at first, for a limited period of time. Give yourselves some time-outs (go for a walk, for example) and make sure to try to get some outside help. This is huge on many levels, on each one of you as the person they are, and on you as a family as a whole, among other things.

Wishing for you all to find grounding, peace and help.

prime-no

 

[Loubylou]

Thank you for your quick reply.

That is really good advice. I think there is a tendency to want to stick together to try and tackle things together. But it can all seem so claustrophobic.

It seems very hard to find that time-out in our current situation (practically, emotionally and financially) but I do think it's sound theory and will try it out.

Best wishes to you

Lou
x

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hi Loubylou,

I'm sorry for all you and your family is going through.

You haven't mentioned some details which might help me understand where in the process your family is in dealing with this.

Have you reported the offender? Have you cut off all contact with the offender and all relatives or anyone else who enables/protects the offender?

Also, are you, your hubby, and your son receiving therapy?

Did your hubby drink before? How much and how often?

There is hope for getting through this, with time and proper assistance. Do you have some safe people around you who validate you and help you and your family speak freely, without judgment?

Hang in there. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))

 

[p-no]

It doesn't have to be an hour away. Just something other than the musts in life. Sometimes extending the time in the shower by a few minutes for some crying does it for me. Or just outside running as if your life depended on it for a few minutes helps.

In very difficult times with my ex-husband I invented "speaking time". We would meet in a room decided upon beforehand at a certain time for a certain time (i.e. 30 minutes). We would use a stone (just some random stone; but you could use also a chestnut or a small figurine, anything that you have and that is not really one or the other's own thing) and would place it in the middle. Then, the one who wanted to say something, would take the stone and talk as long as they had the stone in their hand. The other would listen and not speak. Then the first would put the stone down and the other would take it and speak, the other would listen. We would stop precisely the minute time was up.

That does need someone to keep in control (watching the time, etc.). It is worth a try. For some reason, that space and time provided can help a person open up and share their pain. Maybe you can both share your pain in a way that does not end up in a private war (= anger flaring up) on top of things. It did help that way in my case. Because I had to listen, I came to understand him more, and vice versa. But maybe that is something for later. Or even never. If it is of no use, just ditch it. :)

I know that here in Germany, there is online support for people in crisis. There are also "crisis points", where you can call or go and get help (free of charge; all of these). Maybe you can check online if you find any for English-speaking people? Reach out. My experience is that people who listen are needed in crisis. There are many out there who will. It's just so difficult to reach out when you are in such distress.

Take care.