Dom Violence Why am i so terrified to leave?

[ILoveLife]

Yay! You made the right decision for yourself. It will be alright.
:hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

I sort of have a plan, go to my brothers then go to my dads,

Well I'm glad you are out of the abuse and have a plan for exiting the area. Well done @SameBoat. :hug:

also he did his whole tirade in front of both the kids

So he was escalating...not bothering to hide it from the kid's anymore. Not worried about anything but himself. How sad for you all. Sounds to me like you have got out while you could.

whatever it takes I guess?

It's sad that you loved his children and had to leave bc he cannot control his anger towards all of you. Don't be critical of yourself! You have just made a huge decision and followed through with leaving an abusive relationship. Congratulations for doing this! What you have just done cannot be underestimated. It takes loads of courage to do this and you are on your way so :hug::hug:

You are likely to be quite fragile in the next few days. Take it one step at a time. First to your brother's and then speak to your father. You need to keep yourself safe. You need to be compassionate towards yourself but do not slide into critical self judgement on what you should or could have done before. You have done it now. That is the main thing. There is plenty of time to establish new ground rules, do some analysis of the emotional kind when you are away, safe and looking at what to do later on.

Yes it is a shame you have to leave that job. But it's too close to him. I'd suggest you call them and let them know you have to leave without notice and apologise. It's up to you of course but you enjoyed the job and were good at it and they were good employer's. I don't see why you couldn't do this when you are in a safe place. Obviously how much you tell them is your decision but I would keep it simple. Please don't tell them where you are. Don't tell anyone where you are. You do not know what he will do once he has a chance to cool off and start searching for you. He may contact them, he may contact a lot of people. This is uncharted territory for you and you do not know for sure how he will respond when you do not return within a reasonable time frame. Not really.

You will get another job. Of that I have no doubt. Everything in your life is switching to 'reset' and everything is going to change and feel very strange. Even uncomfortable and the urge to return to him may well persist for a while. Women returning to their abusers is very common and extremely dangerous. Please really focus on staying out of that abusive relationship. You are on your way. It will not be easy but it doesn't sound like life was too easy for you in that relationship either. There is no excuse for any kind of abuse. You do not deserve it. He should not have been abusive towards you ever. His behaviour is his responsibility. You are now in control of yourself again and it is going to feel very odd. Better to feel odd and safe I think.

I'm glad you told your friend about this relationship. Silence is an abuser's best friend and you have challenged this by a) telling someone in your real world and b) leaving. Both of these actions are awesome achievements.

in a few very disturbed individuals it has been known to happen.

Yes, you know him better than us. And if you have concerns then even more reason to move quietly and quickly to safety.

Please, please be so careful with the firearm. Make sure you keep it locked away and I think it is better to move than try and exist in the same area with even the possibility that he may exact revenge on you and you believe you may have to resort to a firearm. It is really unbelievable that you feel you need to keep it even loaded.

Do not put yourself into any unsafe places or circumstances. Avoid contact - I'd strongly suggest either using a lawyer or the police depending upon what it is. Nothing is more important than your safety.

Change your phone number as soon as you can. Change or cancel things in your name. Do not leave behind a trail or debts in your name. Can you brother and father help you out financially?

It seems despite your sudden departure you have done really well so far. I'm not sure what I can suggest to you that I haven't mentioned or you haven't done or planned. Other members will have ideas I am sure.

good news, I got 2nd place in my competition

Congratulations. Good news is hard to come by and you need some. Well done! Many hugs. Take care. Please let us know how you are getting along. :)

 

[SameBoat]

Quick update guys:

Like an idiot, I’m back here at the house.
A couple things happened, my grandma, dads mom in California is very sick very suddenly so he is on is way there right now because the prognosis is looking like the worst. He is expecting me to meet him there I had already told him I left this guy and my plan was to stay with my brother and then come work for him. Basically ended up coming back home because he asked me to (where is the emoji banging it’s head in to a wall?????) and because mother’s day which ended up being absolutely horrible the only things related to motherhood he said to me yesterday was how bad of a caretaker I am the older one was a sweetheart though and we had root beer floats. But anyway so I’m waiting for the money to get here to buy a ticket, I took out a loan cause I have 0 money at the moment and my brother said I could park my car at his house, 10 min from the airport, a couple hours from where I live now.
So what I want to do is leave, get on that plane and never come back. But I m scared. This is my last chance, I don’t have another loan to take out and my dad is closer than ever.
And I know I have every right to walk out and not say anything, I have a class at 1pm today I could leave right after just never come back.. I feel right on the edge everything inside me is screaming to get out and not be here.. and yet here I am still

 

[littleoc]

Sounds overwhelming and scary.

You’re right, though. You have every right to leave, and I can tell you want to and even need to.

(Though, even if this didn’t perfectly work out? You wouldn’t have lost your last chance ever. You’d need a new plan, though.)

It feels like a huge risk, but does it seem worth it? It could be a great change for you — it WOULD be.

Don’t beat yourself up over this. Work with what you have in this situation. You can do this

 

[SameBoat]

Thank you Thank you

I want to do this it feels so close plus my dad already thinks I’m
Coming

 

[littleoc]

You are very welcome. :hug:

Then do it — you can. You can make this happen.

It’s normal to freeze up like this. This is a huge, life changing decision. But you can do it. You know what you want to do, and this could be amazing.

Tell yourself it doesn’t have to be final, even when you get there. You could technically come back some time if you really wanted to. You can think of this as a vacation if you need to.

 

[shimmerz]

It’s normal to freeze up like this.

Also, try to attach to your father as 'safe'. Freezing is a typical trauma thing and I feel like if you are able to move out of it by heading to your father (safe), then the fallout - trauma wise after all of this will be much easier for you.

Is there something specifically that you feel is blocking you from leaving? Maybe if we toss that around in this posting it will help you to move through it.

 

[SameBoat]

I’ve thought a lot about what is keeping me from leaving and for years I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. But I think it’s that no matter how nasty and mean he is, how useless he says I am to him and the kids and how much better off he would be without me, as soon as he thinks I might actually be leaving he flips out.. like literally destroying things, screaming, crying, trashing any and everything that isn’t his valuables.. it’s a scary time.
And then even after I leave I think k end up going back when he asks because what I know he really means is if you don’t come back I’ll be with someone else tonight. Which shouldn’t bother me because he is despicable like that, always has been and if I’m leaving he can do whatever he wants. Which is fine... in theory. But now it’s just too bad it’s Constant berating. In an argument this morning I told him I have some serious stuff going on so I can’t attend to his every need, my grandma is very sick she’s in a coma with maybe 24 hours left b fore my dad has to make a decision and his response was oh you mean the grandma you barely know?
Such an asshole. True we don’t live close and dont talk super often but it’s my grandma, we’ve had a relationship since I was a baby and not only that it’s my dads mom. Not really what you should have to explain to an adult man

 

[Gs172003]

I’ve thought a lot about what is keeping me from leaving and for years I haven’t been able to put...

Don't buy the bull crap he tells you. That's all it is...crap. he's saying that stuff to get you to stay. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[LuckiLee]

@SameBoat, reread your last post and see all the dysfunction going on. Get the h*ll out of there. He's a freakin bully!!

 

[Happyplace76]

Hi everyone,

I've been following this forum for a while and finally decided to make an account so I...

I just left a sociopath... I had been in an abusive relationship a decade ago and so it was only two months but my heart goes out to you. It is absolutely the most terrifying think I've encountered. Even leaving "just" (and there is no "just") abusive relationship is soooo terrifying! Why it takes so many so long to do it... but after this last relationship - I think leaving in those instances you need some assistance - my advice is to get a burner phone, call your local DV agency, and come up with a safety plan, a plan to leave, and start doing things in a way that doesn't make him suspicious of what you're doing. The sociopath I left HAD feloniously either injured and I suspect killed his last girlfriend and the things you're describing are typical sociopathic behaviors. I left one morning in March, and it was the icing on the PTSD. I am blessed that he doesn't have a car, but I still fear the smear campaign - which is another thing that they do. All the best, wish you safety and strength. I get being embarrassed talking about it - because some of the things/stories/pathological lies are just sooo INSANE - like something out of a novel or a movie. I had no one for the first week after I left - it's been a few months now and I've opened to like 2,3 people but feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I believe you, my body, a week before I left was like a tuning fork - shaking, on edge, - it was my body's way of alerting me to being unsafe. Listen to it.

 

[SameBoat]

I reread my post and it’s every bit as f*cked up as I think it is.. worse even if I pretend I’m reading it about someone else.
It’s serious about the shaking, racing heart, etc.. ever since his most recent violent episodes a few months ago in which he actually hurt me threatened to kill me I get shaky and heart racing even when his voice starts escalating and now it even happens on the phone I can’t control it.

I left the house this morning when we got in that fight, all my stuff in my car from before still, so I’ve been driving around town, I have a client tonight and an early morning class that I teach that I kind of want to stay for but also considering leaving town this evening just to put some distance. But that means I’ll have to call and officially quit my job.

In my free time today I read a book on abuse at the library and I just bought a notebook for a journal and I’m about to start the first entry, ‘Today is the day I left him.’ And then write out my plan from there
Really appreciate the support guys. I feel like such an idiot that this isn’t easier for me to walk away from. As much hatred in my heart as I feel towards him what would possess me to think that anything I could do will change him. It won’t I already know it so I guess that solves that’s haha