Dom Violence Why am i so terrified to leave?

[EveHarrington]

Heck, I’d go to the cellular store to get my number changed, and right before changing it, text “goodbye, it’s over”. That way he doesn’t even have time to respond and you don’t have to worry about getting a response from him.

Don’t forget to change your email, and any social media accounts you may have.

A PITA but sooooo worth it for the peace of mind!

Good luck!

 

[ILoveLife]

Maybe quit your job as you don't have a good reason to go back?

Kudos on the one way ticket by the way! Way to go :)

 

[SameBoat]

I have always been direct and honest in my personal relationships, a quality many commented on in my old life...with him I didn't "communicate properly" I wasn't "clear" its endless and a game. Its not communication.

Yes! I know myself to be one way.. kind, honest, hard working, respectful, easy to get along with, and that is validated by other people that I work with and deal with on a regular basis, no one else treats me like he does or responds to me the way he does.. and if you asked him he would tell you with 100% certainty that the opposite of all those things I listed above.

So I’m here now and I feel great, it’s so relaxing to not have someone on my ass nonstop but I am really stressing inside about telling my work and him.. both are expecting me back on Monday!!
But it’s nice to be here with my family. I haven’t told them what’s going on but it has been brought up the subject of abusive relationships and shitty partners.. just in general not sure if they were alluding to me but I felt so humiliated. Like total shame even though they weren’t even talking to or about me. And they wouldn’t shame me if they knew.. well maybe lol my family is very supportive but also would probably be pissed that I’ve let it go on for so long

 

[ILoveLife]

Like total shame even though they weren’t even talking to or about me

Once I told my mom, she was really supportive, and she wasn't the best mom ever by a long shot.
Maybe telling your family the truth can help with some support on not going back for sure. It's different when things are out in the open.

 

[blackemerald1]

so relaxing to not have someone on my ass nonstop

Not having someone doing this is so much more than relaxing. It should be your 'normal'.

I am really stressing inside about telling my work and him..

Stop stressing and let your boss know. He may be surprised and disappointed but he will recover. As for your abusive partner I do not think I would bother. Let your father tell him lol...

I felt so humiliated. Like total shame

These are the trademarks of abuse. It's easy to say don't feel them but it's not easy to do. Really the shame and humiliation belongs to your abuser.

they wouldn’t shame me if they knew.. well maybe lol my family is very supportive

Then tell them. Let them in...particularly if they are a safe family to tell and ask for support.

probably be pissed that I’ve let it go

If that is all that they are pissed about I would be surprised. They would likely be far more pissed off with your abuser. Don't automatically think they are going to look at you and you will be diminished in their eyes for finding yourself in the tangled up mess that abusive relationships are. They are probably much more aware of DV than you give them credit for.

I'm assuming here you did not knowingly walk right on into a relationship with this man knowing you were entering an abusive relationship. Think about this...why would your normal and decent family think this of you?

Imagine how pissed off they would be if you went back and it went terribly, horribly wrong and you were permanently disabled or killed. As a parent that would totally piss me off then.

 

[SameBoat]

Thank you everything you guys are saying makes total sense. I’m starting to get really excited about the possibility of working for my dad and just being around my family is great. We are all very spread out so we don’t see each other often but we get along really well and always have a good time.
I know I can’t go back because if I did I now have so little tolerance for his behavior that I know I would want to leave again within a day or two and then I’d be stuck there

Thanks for the advice and support it really helps

 

[LuckiLee]

I was wondering have you called the boys mother? Or at least sent her a text? So glad you're feeling happy and excited again!

 

[Whirlwind]

no one else treats me like he does or responds to me the way he does.. and if you asked him he would tell you with 100% certainty that the opposite of all those things I listed above

That's what they do, they try to unravel you from the inside out. Its so confusing and contrary to what you believe yourself to be....and it should be so unlikely to come from someone that is suppose to love and support you. When I was in my LTR...I felt strong and successful, he always told me I could do anything. And I tried! LOL. With my husband....I felt stupid and useless. I wasn't good enough, educated enough I had nothing to offer. I tried to share my accomplishments....tried over the years to convince him I had value. Its a sick dynamic and the fact you feel "less than yourself" in any relationship...I realize now what a HUGE red flag that is.

I am really stressing inside about telling my work and him.. both are expecting me back on Monday!!

You don't owe anyone anything. You don't have to DO anything. Its all a choice! We put pressure on ourselves. Worst case, the boss is upset. So what? It passes, for you and them. Fact is as a boss they've experienced a few things, you left due to circumstances you may or may not want to share. I was the boss once....I would have had practicalities to deal with but honestly, if I knew someone quit to escape a DV, I'd congratulate them and wish them well.

but I felt so humiliated

I understand. I struggle with some embarrassment as well. But those that love you will support you and listen. He is responsible for his actions....his abuse of you is his alone. Put it back on him. You didn't deserve it no matter how many justifications he had/has or ever will.

Heck, I’d go to the cellular store to get my number changed, and right before changing it, text “goodbye, it’s over”. That way he doesn’t even have time to respond and you don’t have to worry about getting a response from him.

This idea has merit, LOL!!

Just remember you have a right to break up with him. He does not own you and gazillions of people break up everyday. Its a human right. It feels heavy because you fear his reaction.

I "told" my husband in a brutal way. It was terrible as I had to surprise serve him. And it was terrible, I don't pretend otherwise. Something I never imagined doing in my entire life. I would have bet my salary it would never happen.

But the back story..is all the times he threatened me if I ever tried to leave him, hide our assets (and was set up to do just that) how he would flee the country (he did) how he would evade divorce service (as he did to his ex wife by living in his car and staying on the move).....

This is not a normal break up and how you chose to tell him is up to you. I realized with mine the rules of decency did not apply. He chose to treat me like dirt, frighten me and threaten me. My actions were justified and in response to his. They bring it on themselves.

I chuckle a bit...Its not funny but truth is my ex was surprised...but not "hurt" like a normal person. He recovered in less than 24hrs and......then complimented me on my tactic as he "never saw it coming" and he said he "had underestimated me".

First genuine compliment I think I ever received from him.

So...in summary...situation not normal, therefore "normal" rules do not apply.

Have a wonderful day.....week and we're all here to talk as you like :-)

Whirlwind

 

[shimmerz]

I suggest not contacting the ex at all. Know that relaxed feeling you are speaking about? Contact him and I bet his only directive will be to drag you back into hell. I am guessing that isn't where you want to be now that you have escaped (literally).

 

[Friday]

I am really stressing inside about telling my work and him.. both are expecting me back on Monday!!

Double down. When you ring your work simply tell them that you had to get out of a domestic violence situation on short notice, and are now out of state/won’t be returning.

Anyone with a lick of sense will understand completely. Because no one in their right mind is going to want someone to be beat up for 2 weeks in order to give notice.

By doubling down, I mean that It makes it a lot harder to go back to an abuser if everyone knows if they see you again? It’s because you’ve just volunteered to be a punching bag, and to write you off as too stupid to live.

So you’ve both quit your job in a way that lets you use them as a reference AND made it harder to go back to Assholio in a moment of weakness.

 

[SameBoat]

Okay update...
so I told my work..kind of botched that because I didn’t call them right away and then they called my ex (forgot I put him as my emergency contact) and when they asked about me he hung up and refused to answer when they called back. I didn’t know this until he let me know that the sheriff came by the house to check on me because my work called to file a missing persons report. Sooo I called the sheriff and let them know I’m okay and apologized profusely. Then I messaged my work and let them know the same, my one boss was really understanding and even said she suspected that was happening and wished she could have helped me.

Now the problem: my time here in Cali with my family is winding down, my dad and sis are flying out on the 31st. My dad isn’t ready for me to go over and work yet so I’m really worried about going back to him in that time. I haven’t even officially told him I’m not coming back.. he keeps asking me and I keep avoiding it. I just know as soon as I say it I’m going to be bombarded with calls texts emails and begging. But I need to do it while I’m still here at away

 

[ILoveLife]

I second @EveHarrington idea and change your number. Talk to your family. Protect yourself.

You've done the hard part, now its damage control.

You can do it. :)