Why Cant I Hate My Dad

[Jnean]

I know I have been posting a lot in this thread, cuz I have been down more than any other emotion this week. My dad called me and needed money and cigarettes. Now if I was in control I would think I would've said no. I felt needed i suppose. It's sick. I mean my flashbacks are of him hurting me. When will my mind catch up with itself. What would've happened if i said no and why am i still afraid to say no 40 years later and a lot of money later too. He's been doing this for years and I still keep giving him money. I need to talk to my therapist to come up with a plan, I need the help to stop doing this, I wish I just stayed hating him. I have every right to allow myself to be angry with him but I always go back to helping him. I hated myself instead all day because I gave him what he asked for again. It's always again and again

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Not sure if he was part of your trauma but its probably for the same reason that i would do every single thing my mother told me to do even today, 14 yrs after cutting contact.

Or also could be why i have trouble saying no to anyone, poor abilty, or in my case inabilty to create boundries as saying no is what that is, boundry setting.

So if he was part of you trauma id say its maybe heathier to cut contact.

If its poor ability or inabilty to set boundries, work on learning how to set boundries with your therapist. Im just learning how and its HARD but much needed!

 

[Jnean]

Thank you, I think what you said I need to do. I need to cut ties for good not just for a day, a week, a month, like I've done before and will let him back in because he says he loves me and he's sorry. I need to be strong and put my foot down and keep my distance.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If he's one of your abusers or part of your trauma, or even brings too much drama or stress in your life, totally.

But im not saying to, cause he is your dad, so thats why i also spoke about boundries. Maybe cut him out for now, learn some good boundries setting and try again later?

 

[Jnean]

I know he sexually abused me as a child and it's extremely hard for me because I want to hate him for what he's done but I haven't been able to let myself. I guess now I know that's where this is coming from internally is that I'm super sad it was him. When I started two years ago or so with repressed memories I was so not prepared for what has come up. To be expected though. Sometimes I have hopes that I will wake up from this nightmare.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

If you look up trauma bonding that will help explain why you can't hate him. It will get better once you understand more and with the help of a therapist. I couldn't understand why I kept running back to my abusive parents, it made sense once I read about trauma bonding.

 

[Friday]

One thing to think about... Is that it's okay to tell people you love, like, respect "No", too.

You don't have to hate someone to tell them no.

You don't have to be incapable (aka broke, for example), to tell them no.

You don't have to be angry to tell them no.

...and whenever asking anything of anyone? No is always an acceptable answer. That's what asking IS. 3 answers are always okay when asking something of someone, or being asked something by someone else. Yes. Maybe. No. Otherwise, its not asking. It's ordering.

 

[Tearsofawarrior]

Have you tried talking to yourself about it in the mirror? No, not looking in the mirror and thinking about it. I mean verbally communicating with yourself. Maybe you could try it out by setting boundaries with yourself first.

 

[Jnean]

All great suggestions, gonna try. Thank you so much

 

[Sideways]

For what it's worth, I don't "hate" any of the men who have abused me, and I'm okay with that. I've actually told my T that I don't really want to "hate" them, because I know that for me, hate would not be a helpful or healing emotion to have. Some people are able to hate their abusers, and I think that's a natural and healthy response, but it's not a requisite in the healing process.

What I would like to be able to do is go through a period where I can be angry at my abusers. Angry at what they did, what they took from me, and what it's cost me. For me, I know that anger, as opposed to hate, would be coming from a place of self-respect - how dare they, I'm worth more than that.

So anger is an emotion I would like to move through as part of my healing. Anger can be incredibly motivating - used in the right way, and coming from a place of self-respect, it may help me demand better treatment from others in the future. I don't want to get stuck with anger, but I would like to experience it for a while.

Either way, there aren't any feelings that you absolutely must have. Some people feel hate, and I completely understand that, it's perfectly ok to feel hate. But I personally don't, and that's ok too.