Why Can't I Tell People What I Need?

[samson]

I have had a tough weekend. Parts of a flashback that I thought I had worked through resurfaced and it has set me spinning. My T has told me to call him when I need some extra help in between sessions. I have left him messages before, but I've never come out and asked him to call. So he doesn't. I don't blame him for this. But it just shows how I don't know how to tell people what I need from them.

I called and left a message for him on and said specifically "You don't need to call me." But then I expected him to call. I don't ask him directly, because I'm afraid of the rejection if he doesn't call. I decided today to text him and be more direct. But in my text I said things like "If you have time", "I'm not on a ledge", "I'm stable for now." I gave him three outs.

It's ironic. This is why I'm in therapy to begin with. I'm incapable of speaking up for myself. I think I'm protecting myself, but I'm really just hurting myself more.

I've been in therapy for over a year now. I trust this man with all of my secrets, yet on some level I'm still afraid he will abandon me. I had a dream the other night that I had an appointment with him and he took me to a little room with only two folding chairs in it. He told me to have a seat and think about what I wanted to talk about and he would be right back. He never came back. In the dream I finally got up the nerve to leave the room and look for him and everyone was gone. The parking lot was empty. Oye Vey. Can we say abandonment issues?

Argh. Just needed to get that out to someone. Thanks.

 

['91 Girl]

When you figure it out, let me know :confused:

I honestly just stop, take a deep breath, and ask. The rejection may come...and that's okay. I can survive. Hopefully.

And over time, it hasn't gotten easier, but I have learned to ignore my fears more as people have proven to be trustworthy. Honesty, that's the only thing we can do. Risk it all and see what happens.

 

[LhasaLover]

I find I may as well think about it and ask for what it is that I need. Having gone through hell with my family diagnosed with PTSD, I cannot really do not trust people. In fact it is rare to experience support, so I am really at a loss saying, you know I need this or that.

I had a therapist tell me to call for support in between sessions, after I had reached out to him and he never returned/acknowledged my call! I wanted to ask, "Is this a trick question?" It was interesting that the problem had nothing to do with me, whatever was going on in that therapist's mind. He seems to go to fast and be scattered sometimes.

All we can do is put out there what we need and ask for help, we are responsible for the effort, not the outcome. Your therapist, with a clear message sent to him, may surprise you and give you the help he offerred in between sessions. I know that it is not uncommon for some people to have great therapists that offer to do that.

I hear you on abandonment issues, the are tough! Ouch!

 

[piratelady]

I have the same problem. When my therapist asked why I don't reach out to ask for help, I said it was because I didn't want to burden people (or him). He said it sounds like I am afraid to be vulnerable. I think he's right. Admitting I need help is showing that I have a vulnerability and I fear that people will take advantage of that.

The next time you go to therapy, it might be a good idea to talk about why you have trouble asking for help. Talking through that specifically might help you the next time you need to reach out.

 

[samson]

My therapist called me back yesterday. I was glad because I was allowing myself to believe he really didn't care that I was hurting, which couldn't have been further from the truth.

I just began to ramble on about all of the things I had been feeling and was honest to tell him that I have trouble telling him that I need his help. That's how I think I'm protecting myself from getting hurt. If I don't expect anything, I will get exactly what I expect. But that hurts too.

I was ready to hang up and he said - is there a question I can answer for you? I don't feel like I've really helped. And I told him that most of the time I don't need an answer I just need to know he is still there. He's the only one who really understands what's happening to me. I told him that probably sounded silly - but he assured me it didn't at all. He's really good at his job and I'm very lucky to have him.

 

[LhasaLover]

It's really difficult to trust sometimes, I'm so happy for you that things worked out Samson!

 

[anthony]

Trust is one of those funny things... because your past affects how you specifically view trust. If you have trust issues from the past, then that is just that, your issue. You have to solve that issue and not expect everyone around you to be totally trustworthy, because that isn't realistic. Idealistic? Yes. Realistic? No.

Some people give trust first, and if broken, it must be earnt by that person, but with another they repeat the process and give the trust to the next, until they break it. Repeat process. Some... their past experience dictates that trust must be earned, and some people can actually lose trust from others because they make it so difficult for them to trust in the first place.

Trust is just something you have to apply a lot of common sense upon.

 

[Phoenix05]

This seems to be something very common. We are all suffering yet we don't want to burden someone else with our problems!

I found out today that Veteran's Affairs have only 1.6million to assist with Vet's suffering from mental health issues. With all those returning from combat I don't feel like I should take what I know legally is rightfully mine due to duty of care because I might stop someone who has seen actual combat from getting help.

In the real world if someone does something to me and I know I'm entitled to take something I do. In the anxiety world I don't want to burden anyone.

Heck, I don't even eat a proper meal when I'm at people's houses that I don't know very well for fear they will judge me. When I came home from the ADF and moved in with my Wife (then girlfriend) she kept telling me to just help myself and I never did.