General Why Date Someone Who Is Ill?

[Damiea]

LOL I think anyone can admit that when in love.. no matter how deeply felt.. your mind tends to turn to mush along with you heart! Most of the times.. this is a good thing. If you over rationalize everything and everyone I think you would miss out on many beautiful things in life. I truly believe it is better to love and lose love.. then to never have experienced love at all.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Just as Kathy mentioned, I had to really ask myself why.

I met my (now ex?) boyfriend a couple years ago. We've been on and off, largely bc of untreated ptsd (he just started treatment about 6 mos ago). It surfaced several months after we started dating - after we'd already fell in love. I moved 1000 miles away (bc of plans I'd made before I met him) and that only served to complicate the issue. But, we stayed connected, and I dealt with the on/off because I said that I loved him "sooooo" much.

Well, guess what? Sometimes "love" - or whatever that binding thing is - isn't enough. I told myself that if I really loved him, that I'd do anything. Well, that's just too ridiculous. That's the crap Hollywood feeds us.

In short, I realized my why wasn't good enough. Yes, I care. But, he DOESN'T have anything to give. I've been the one to do pretty much everything...after he initiates a little, of course. And, before I know it, I've been doing all the work. So, I've washed my hands of it. I wish him the best of luck. But, when someone is so dyfunctional that they can't even respond to a text message asking to just message anything, that you just want to know if they're ok... well, that says it all for me. I don't need and/or want a one sided relationsihp anymore.

 

[batgirl]

LOL I think anyone can admit that when in love.. no matter how deeply felt.. your mind tends to turn to mush along with you heart!

Hmm well I guess my problem is too, I've never been in love, so I probably don't understand that aspect of it at all. And Nic, welcome to the forum and I'm sorry if I've sounded insensitive, I think it's good you're able to date and I don't consider you or myself "damaged". Just I don't get why people would want to date someone who was really ill. I still don't get it really, but I do thank everyone for their answers, it has given me some insight.

 

[Nicolette]

Anthony and I had a discussion about this topic last night and the following points came up:

• When you initially start dating someone you do not see them all the time which gives a PTSD suffer the opportunity to hide the full extent of their illness if they so choose.
• Knowing someone has PTSD and then reading about it still doesn't give a person a true understanding of what they are getting themselves into.
• People sometimes get confused with 'supporting' and 'fixing'.
• Define untreated....there are varying levels of PTSD. What happens if someone has PTSD and doesn't know it at the point when they start dating someone?
• Say a suffer starts dating and is fine and finding the situation enjoyable then the relationship takes the next step where the other persons has greater expectations eg. "Can you drop in the shop and get me milk on the way over" and that added stress triggers the PTSD suffer?

There is more I would like to discuss as I found this an interesting topic. Unfortunately work calls........:rolleyes:

 

[anthony]

Just my two cents into this topic... I believe it has something to do with sex + some partners feel they need to "care" for another person and that their "caring" will give them some reward or greater feeling, when in fact they find quite different through experience... emotional abuse instead.

 

[nyc]

Great thread here. Thanks Bat Girl. It has made me think from many different perspectives, and reframe my thoughts.

2 years ago, I started dating a great guy; I would say the sweetest man I had ever met. After 6 months he was getting slightly apathetic in the relationship and admitted that it was probably connected to the traumatic event which had occurred years earlier. I had wrongly assumed my friend had come to terms with his trauma as much as could be expected. i had not educated myself about PTSD at that time, obviously.

He agreed to go to therapy to work on this for his own sake- but also to help the relationship. Neither of us expected the hell that was to result from this treatment. I guess he was in denial at that stage, and I was just stupid.

I assumed we were in it for the long haul, and did my best to support. But my friend's character changed so drastically that i don't know who he is right now. I don't think he does either. But, I still see beyond his symptoms and coping mechanisms and feel a sense of unconditional love for him- he is still that really wonderful human being even though he is ill.

At the same time, I know that I can't be close with him, because it causes us both too much pain. Because of this, I can't wait for him, but I will always support and care for him.

 

[Nicolette]

I was just stupid.

I disagree Nyc. How can you be stupid when you were uniformed?

neither of us expected the hell which was to result from this treatment.

It is not stupid to find out something that hurts you; it is only stupid if you realise you are in a relationship that brings you mainly pain and you stay and complain about it. You made a smart decision by looking after yourself and removing yourself from the hurt while still being friendly and supportive as best as the situation allows. Well done I say!

Sometimes people change and things affect them so that they will never be the same. The person you dated is no longer the person he is now..........it is as simple as that and has nothing to do with stupidity :rolleyes:

 

[upstream]

As Upstream mentioned, often there is codependency involved. The partner without PTSD has a strong desire to help, fix, rescue, care for, or even control the PTSD sufferer. It gives them a sense of purpose in life, makes them feel important or needed. Unfortunately, if this is the case and the sufferer does get help for themselves and heals, the relationship inevitably comes to an end, as the non-PTSD partner no longer has someone to help or control. This is why it is so essential for both partners to be in therapy of some sort and heal simultaneously. It cannot be a one way street if the relationship is to survive long term.

It is far more likely that a co-dependent person will leave their partner because they are emotionally drained than because their partner healed. This was the case in every co-dependant relationship I have ever witnessed or heard of. Two reasons...

1) often times the sufferer (whether it's someone who has PTSD, an abuser, an alcoholic, etc, etc) is enabled by the co-dependent person and has no reason to get better
2) just because someone heals doesn't mean you don't love them any more

Also I don't agree with it being about a sense of purpose or feeling needed. Regardless of what unresolved issue caused the initial attraction, a co-dependent person in a long term relationship will likely tell you that they are in love and care deeply for the other person.

And as many have pointed out, you have no idea that someone is ill when you are first getting to know them. I don't know of any co-dependent person that goes searching for an abuser.

 

[Kathy]

Perhaps I should have said "codependent features" rather than full blown codependency, I apologize. However, I do maintain my position as I had many clients over the years who fit the description I gave above.

 

[upstream]

someone will come here and say all they want to do is care for the other person because they love them soooo much, and they don't care that the person is emotionally unavailable or even abusive!!

Phil can probably say this better than I can:

"Love will make you blind, make you act so strange
But I'm here, and here I will stay.
...
Try as I may I can't stop thinking about you
It seems my life's worth nothing without you"

~Phil Collins, Everyday

I agree with the man... love will make you blind, make you act so strange.

 

[upstream]

Perhaps I should have said "codependent features" rather than full blown codependency, I apologize. However, I do maintain my position as I had many clients over the years who fit the description I gave above.

Please explain the difference between the two? I'm not clear on this.

It's just that speaking with individuals in failed co-dependent marriages... it sounds more like a tragic love gone wrong. Your original post made it sound more like a volunteer opportunity or a coast guard mission, which is what I took offense to. There are types of co-dependent relationships I haven't been exposed to, which is what you may have been referring to.

 

[Kathy]

Your original post made it sound more like a volunteer opportunity or a coast guard mission, which is what I took offense to.

May I ask why you were offended? Were you in such a relationship yourself? I certainly meant no offense to anyone, simply giving my opinion based on my professional experience. Codependent features are on a spectrum just as any other disorder, not everyone in such a relationship is going to behave identically or for the same reasons. Some do have the best of intentions and truly feel they are in love. However, others definitely seek out partners to control for their own satisfaction, under the guise of being helpful and/or loving. In my experience I have seen both. And more often than not, once someone recovers from this helping behaviour, they admit to being far more controlling than they originally realized.