General Why Date Someone Who Is Ill?

[batgirl]

I'm not pointing a finger at anyone in particular, but I have wondered this for a while so I'm going to ask. I have to wonder why anyone would want to be dating someone who has untreated PTSD or in the early stages of recovery in the first place. I know I wouldn't want to date me (or someone like me), when I was at that stage. I mean I was very ill, I had little to nothing to give to a partner, I didn't know which end was up a lot of the time. I know people do it, but I honestly don't get what's attractive about that. Isn't a relationship supposed to be a give and take? At that point I would not have much to give at all, if anything.

 

[grace5555]

Evie - exactly one of the main reasons I am not dating now. I have nothing to give but a whole lot of stress to someone. I am being treated and am not in the early stages either, but I recognize that I cannot give a relationship what it deserves. I don't want to lose something very special because I am too ill to maintain it if that makes sense?

 

[upstream]

Isn't a relationship supposed to be a give and take? At that point I would not have much to give at all, if anything.

Some people have a desire to rescue or fix others through a relationship. My father supposedly fell in love with my Bi-polar mother because he wanted to fix her, as he had always wanted to fix his schizophrenic mother growing up. (some family, huh?)

I fell for someone once because I wanted to rescue her. Take language like this for example:

Oh, poo. I am just a wimp. I collapse into a puddle of shivering loud, snotty rain. Make me some comfort food and a warm blankey and just hold me.

Sorry to hold you up as an example 2quilt, but if an attractive girl said this to me I'd be at her side with a bowl of fudge ice cream and a blanket in a heartbeat... and I'd probably watch her sleep until dawn.

 

[pandora]

I guess the person with Ptsd has to know as well.....when I dated briefly this summer his exact words were "you are not ready to date"......now looking back I really wasn't ready .

On order to protect myself...I know I still am not and I too have nothing else to give. I wish I would have been more insightful last summer.

 

[Kathy]

As Upstream mentioned, often there is codependency involved. The partner without PTSD has a strong desire to help, fix, rescue, care for, or even control the PTSD sufferer. It gives them a sense of purpose in life, makes them feel important or needed. Unfortunately, if this is the case and the sufferer does get help for themselves and heals, the relationship inevitably comes to an end, as the non-PTSD partner no longer has someone to help or control. This is why it is so essential for both partners to be in therapy of some sort and heal simultaneously. It cannot be a one way street if the relationship is to survive long term.

This perhaps sounds harsh, however I strongly believe that one attracts, or is attracted to, someone who is rather like themselves, at least as far as mental health is concerned. So, if one is attracted to someone who is very ill, perhaps they have problems and unresolved issues of their own which they need to address. Because truly, if you are a very healthy and happy individual, why would you freely choose to be with someone who is not? It makes no sense.

I would encourage anyone who feels attracted to a very ill person - whether than be an untreated PTSD sufferer, or an abusive person, or an alcoholic/drug addict, etc - to ask themselves very honestly why? Examine your own sense of self-worth and self-respect. Examine why you wish to be with someone who is so ill. Do you feel this is all you deserve, the best you can do? Do you feel a strong need to caretake? Are you repeating a pattern from childhood? Take an honest look at yourself.

It is of course an entirely different matter if your partner develops PTSD after you have been with them for a time, have an established relationship, are married, have children together, and so forth. However I don't believe that is what you are asking about Evie, correct?

 

[batgirl]

Yeah I didn't mean people who were already married or in a long term relationship, or had known the person before their trauma. I meant people who meet someone while that person already has PTSD that is largely untreated. Why do they want to have a relationship with that person? I mean it's one thing to be a platonic friend, you can be friends with anyone practically, but why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is so sick that they are not emotionally available to you?

This might sound mean to say too, but one thing I've noticed on here... and again I'm NOT referring to anyone specifically... but I have noticed sometimes, someone will come here and say all they want to do is care for the other person because they love them soooo much, and they don't care that the person is emotionally unavailable or even abusive!! And they talk all eloquently and so on... well to be honest, that makes me want to puke. That person sounds like a martyr in my opinion, like they want other people to think how great they are, because they are "putting up" with the PTSD sufferer. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. I already have parents thanks. :p And even my parents don't put up with a lot of bullshit from me.

 

[Damiea]

Also think that sometimes I person can "see" who that person is or could be apart from the PTSD. I don't think that if a relationship starts.. its a thing that comes up in the first conversation and how can anyone know who is suffering from PTSD from causal contact unless happens to see some sort of breakdown related to PTSD. When I person see's something inside another person that they like and are interested in.. finding out about something like PTSD might seem to be worth the try because they have seen that "real" person behind the PTSD first?

Just a thought anyway!

 

[batgirl]

Oh okay I see what you mean Damiea... but that would be assuming the person with PTSD was willing to work on themselves, right? Because you can't go into a relationship thinking you can change the person yourself, fix them or whatever, just based on what you see could be their potential. I mean the person has to change on their own.

 

[Damiea]

Yes thats very true.. but when you get emotional.. rational thinking sometimes is pushed aside. As in.. you get to know someone and you find your starting to care for them. For the sufferer.. I'm not sure.. but having someone care for you and see the "you" rather then the PTSD illness can be something you have desired for awhile? As in.. no one wants to be lonely! And as a person getting to know a sufferer they most likely don't know much about the illness I would think.. so don't really think much of it at first. And they might just assume the sufferer is already working on themselves with no understanding truly what is involved?

 

[Damiea]

Also I think I have read here even of people who are worried about breaking off a relationship because of what it might do to the sufferer especially after they have come to care for that person. The guilt that they are becoming the reason for more stress and trauma to the sufferer can out weigh the need to break it off for there own reasons. No matter how sick the sufferer is or not.. so many things can be over looked because they are "sick" .

 

[batgirl]

Yeah that makes sense, thanks. I guess I'm thinking about it logically moreso than emotionally. I'm more of a logical person and I forget to consider my emotions or the emotions of others.

 

[nic]

Well...I guess I would be considered to be in the "early stages," (even though it has been 10 years). I date all the time, even though it is difficult given the extent of my trauma. However, even though some may call me "ill" or "damaged," I am a person...a young woman who wants what many other women (and men) want: love. I, too, wish to have a husband and children in the near future, and I don't want the PTSD or anything else for that matter to take this dream away.

As for why someone would choose to date me...hmm...Well, I don't go into my life's story on the first date...or second for that matter. It's not that I am trying to trick a guy into thinking that I'm 100% normal--after all, everyone has issues--but I want him to see that I am a funny, honest, successful young woman...and then, when I feel it is time, I will slowly tell him about the difficult stuff. While I have had guys get freaked out and/or leave, the good ones tend to stick around :-)

nic