Relationship Why Did He Push Away?

[mrod]

My bf (or ex) just got back from his deployment in Africa. He had 3 events that happened to him, but the last one is what really shook him up. He hasn't told me exactly how it happened and doesn't like to bring it up. I was the one he went to for anything, I was always there for him. Now that he's home , he's completely different. He told me he just wants to be alone, he doesn't feel anything, and is not happy with himself, and doesn't want to hurt me...? My question is, why do they push away the ones who care the most and know what's going...well, for the most part? And do they care about losing us? Did they even care at all?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What you describe is not uncommon. To the normal person it seems counterintuitive but for those of us with PTSD it's a way of self preservation. The world is now unsafe and the only person we can trust is ourselves, sometimes not even that. When life gets too stressful we push anything and everything away. I do it all the time, sadly.

 

[Abstract]

It definitely isn't about not caring at all. For me I am worst with those I care most about. Imagine having a splitting migraine where each little noise feels like a boom plus all sorts of other things going around in your head and your body; and then someone tries to discuss something complex with you and maybe wants to give you a hug. Or they ask you how you are feeling. It's not really like that but maybe gives a hint of one aspect of it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

He needs help. He needs to be in therapy and mabe even some medications to help him with this. I think he has to hit bottom first. Pain is the motivator. We have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wish you the best.

My heart goes out to you. I really feel for you. Try to get some help and support for yourself. Take really good care of you and find ways to meet your own needs. I hope he gets the help he needs and you guys stay together. Big hugs.

 

[AS1975]

It isn't that we don't care, it is that we realise we are moody, angry at everything and not much fun to be around. we can (and often do) treat people like shit, because we haven't always got the opportunity to deal with other people's problems, especially people who care about us, who get all upset when we are angry. We can get upset about our anger all by ourselves, that is one area we excel at individually (and as a group). We hate it and fight every day to deal with it and get past it. Seeing other people get involved, especially important people, and seeing the effect our anger has on them, is more difficult than being alone. I suspect you need to give him space, quite a lot of it, by all means help out, but don't get all possessive and clingy and don't allow yourself to get into anything more than being available as a shoulder to lean on. D&M's are just going to be counter-productive until he gets his head together (everything will end as an argument).

 

[99Phoenix99]

Ah, I'm glad you figured out how to start this thread! I was just about to make it but saw you beat me to it.

And for me. Honestly it's all about pride. I'm a very prideful person in the fact that I have always been able to stay on top of things even in the worst situations. If there was stress in my life I could chew it up and spit it out like no one's business. That was something I've always been proud of. That I was independent and dependable as a person.

However with my PTSD (I had delayed onset) I've lost my ability to keep my cool. My ability to stay on top of things. I'm for the most part ashamed of how I've fallen. How I can't seem to cope. And I'm angry that even when I try so hard not to I STILL involuntarily shut down. The only similarity that comes to mind is that asking someone to not withdraw is like asking you not to pull your hand out of burning fire. It's a knee jerk reaction. You don't think. You just DO. It's a survival mechanism like ScaredofLonely pointed out.

And that anger that I feel is directed towards myself. And it's especially hard in the beginning. I was angry all the time. But I didn't know why or at WHO I could be angry at. I just knew I was angry. I knew I was upset but I couldn't pinpoint why. It's only now after nearly half a year of therapy (where I go in once a week) that I'm even just understanding why I'm angry.

And I'm not going to lie, sometimes you get so self involved you DO forget about other people when you're in an especially bad spot. But when you get out of that haze and realize how self involved you just are you become ashamed of yourself. There's intense guilt, you think how could I have possibly done that? ESPECIALLY when you know they were only trying to help. And then you beat yourself up for having acted like that to someone you love. And every single time that happens those feelings of guilt and self loathing just compound.

And you begin to think it's better to be alone. At least then the pain and misery will be contained. You won't be a poison in everyone's life.

Like I said I'm too prideful and bullheaded. I've been able to handle things on my own. I've learned I needed to depend on myself from a young age. Because if I didn't help myself no one would or could. So when someone sees me having a hard time and offers to help... instead of feeling gratitude it's more like a slap in the face for me. A reminder of how incapable I've become. The good will and words behind that action are lost on me and thus the volatile reaction. And again, eventually it dawns on you that you snapped at someone who's only trying to help and that your perception is very skewed. And that only perpetuates the thinking process that it's better to be alone because you only seem to be causing harm.

And you want to be left alone to wallow in your own misery but at the same time you want SO BADLY for someone to be there for you. But you don't allow yourself that comfort. Because you don't deserve it. You don't deserve them because you're wretched and not even half of the person you used to be.

So yea... that's my take on your question. I can't say that's how your BF is feeling, but that's my mindset. And I'd also like to say that even though I can write this all out, I can barely function when asked to speak about it. My therapist says it has to do with how memories are processed and how they affect motor skills such as verbalizing. He may not physically be able to talk about it, I know I can barely do it. Because when I try I get an instant headache, shaky, paranoid, and my adrenaline spikes. Needless to say I can only talk about this stuff either on this site or in a safe mediated place ie with my therapist. Talking to loved ones about this puts me through the roof with anxiety.

Sorry if I rambled on and on. I hope this helps.

 

[Abstract]

The only similarity that comes to mind is that asking someone to not withdraw is like asking you not to pull your hand out of burning fire. It's a knee jerk reaction. You don't think. You just DO. It's a survival mechanism like ScaredofLonely pointed out.

This resonated for me.

It is not about anger for me as I often am not connected to anger and internalise it.

I will also say that for me I am always very aware of others feelings and care deeply about them but connecting can be impossible regardless.

 

[Mrs. Martinez]

It's easier to isolate n try to push everything out then to deal....he's prolly trying to protect you both, mainly from himself....I knew a guy who went in one of the first tours after 9 11 when he got back he almost killed his wife twice completely by accident so then went and stayed at his parents his mom came ta wake him up and he literally threw her across the room...war is a crazy thing and they see and go through some of the worst...n patient and don't push him he prolly needs to deal with his own mind

 

[KatB]

This resonated for me.

I will also say that for me I am always very aware of others feelings and care deeply about them but connecting can be impossible regardless.

Ditto on the post. I agree so much with 99Phoenix on everything...I think Pride goes a long way for someone who has been taught to be independent and self-reliable. Everything is now the opposite of being functional or stable. I hate that I am not the same as I used to ne and to be able to connect to my true emotions/thought process makes things twice as difficult to connect with others.because now that I am much more aware of others emotions or feelings for me, I recognize that I am not worthy of such great emotional care and love for someone like me. I can go on and on about this , but I am right with you. Thank you for making me relate to you, this post shares a lot of who I am.

 

[mrod]

Thank you guys, I really appreciate it. I was trying to get a different perspective on it and I am grateful for y'alls responses, it really is a mind opener and helped me to understand a bit of what is going on with him. What are some things that the sufferer would like from the supporter? Like what do you want to hear from us?

 

[AS1975]

Is there anything you need? Don't be a doormat, don't be all clingy and please don't take his mood personally, if he starts acting agitated, by all means ask if you can help, but be prepared to just leave as that might be best. On the other hand, don't cop shit.

 

[mrod]

I don't want to push him or irritate him, so the last time I tried making contact with him was a week ago. I just sent him a message reassuring that he was more than what he thinks he is and I'm still here when he needs someone to listen. I don't want to chase him around either, this whole situation is tiring. I want him to come to me but I don't know if he will. He has this pride thing. I'm more worried about him than the relationship. I'd rather him get help.