General Why Do I Still Love Her?

[unbroken]

When I met my girlfriend she was happy, content and affectionate. We had a couple of dates and they were incredible, and I fell in love with her. One of the traits that we both share is that we both believe in being monogamous, and are both loyal to a fault.

Shortly after we met, she began stressing out in a big way. We talked and over the months that followed she didn't shut me out anymore, but called to talk to me. Usually, whenever she's stressing out and I can tell she's getting upset, I can to her and calm her down and she feels better about things. A few times we've had arguments over what she says she "knows" she heard me say vs. what I actually said. Since this has happened a couple times, she thinks it's always me who changes what I said rather than her not hearing me correctly.

At first, she told me she was diagnosed with PTSD, but adamantly denied being bipolar because she didn't like what it means. After a little time with me she began to admit that she's on medication and that she is bipolar. One day we were in a store and she began to feel ill, and we had to call the paramedics because she was going to pass out. She didn't want to tell them that she's bipolar and has PTSD, but told the paramedics to get that info from me, and she doesn't seem to have a problem when I tell the doctors that (like in the emergency room).

She was glad I was there to take care of her, and she is usually very affectionate with me and tells me she loves me. When she's not feeling well, it's easy to set her off. She completely lost it with a lady at her son's school, and called me up, crying, because she was losing control. We even talked about me getting temporary power of attorney so that I can help her with some personal matters and speak on her behalf so she won't get upset or mad if she gets stressed. I've felt that she has trusted me quite a bit, and I have fallen completely in love with her, despite her "issues".

But sometimes she just flies off the handle over nothing in particular and it has been pretty bad lately. I know she has a lot of bad history, and a lot of stress lately, and it's been more bad days than good. Yesterday we were watching a movie on TV and during some insignificant dialog I mentioned that the character was so-an-so's son. She turned around and asked me if I was going to narrate the entire movie. She blasted me about how she was trying to watch it and wanted to know why I felt the need to talk. Then she went off about some guy she dated who felt the need to talk during a movie and how she never went to the movies with him after that. I find this rather ironic because she talks quite often during a movie or TV show, and when I mentioned that she does that she acted like it was okay that she did it, but not when I do it. Realy bitchy...and I just got up and walked out and went to relax for a while. When I came back she had a pissed off look on her face and when I asked her why she said she thought we were going to watch the movie together and I just took off and she didn't know where I was.

Then she goes into this routine about how she says we aren't communicating (her favorite rant). So I asked her if she really wanted to communicate and asked her about a comment she made that really bothered me the night before. We were at her brother's place at the river, and she went inside to get a jacket, and when she came out she asked where I was and what I was doing. I told her I had heard a noise behind the trailer and was checking it out. She seemed concerned and later asked what I was really doing and I told her I had heard a noise and while out there was watering the bushes in the back yard. I asked why she was so concerned and she told me she thought I was calling another girlfriend...and it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I asked her about it again she said she was just telling me what she thought and wanted to know why the "truth" bothered me. I told her that the part that bothered me was that she actually thought I was cheating on her, and she just said that it's happened before so she didn't put it past me. She seems to be hanging on to the past, she knows it, but she doesn't seem to understand that her lack of faith in me was hurtful to me, especially since she spends a lot of time telling me that most guys run like hell with her problems and I reassure her that she's everything to me.

She doesn't work, she doesn't have money, she lives with her parents and her 17 year old son, and he has zero ambition due to his health issues. She's on disability and I completely believe that if she did have a job she'd get fired quickly because she cannot handle negative comments without flying off the handle. She's on disability, sleeps most of the day, and her only activities seem to be doctor's appointments or getting her nails/hair done, and shopping when her monthly check arrives.

She has had it out with just about every adult member of her family, and they all seem to tolerate her but because of her constant blow ups and complaints about everyone else they tend to stay away from her. I've seen her hate-filled emails to relatives and the odd thing is that she acts as though she's innocent and they're always at fault. Most of her family feels like they can't do anything to make her happy, and no matter what they say she gets upset. Her parents don't know what to do, and her brothers feel numb about her.

On the up side: we enjoy nearly all of the same things, we both find each other very attractive, and love being together and feel very connected and "stuck" with each other because we're in love. Everyone in her family has told me that they see a big improvement in her since we met, and that she's done more 'family' events in three months than she has in three years, all because of meeting me. I'm the first guy that's not after one thing, not abusive or an alcoholic and they all like me a lot. Her son, who hasn't liked anyone she's met in the past couple years has opened up to me a bit and even told his cousin that he liked me...which shocked her completely.

A couple of her family members have told me that they think I'm the best thing to happen to her, and that I'm great for her mental health. They say that she's been completely unhappy without a man in her life, but having me has changed her. She talks to her family members at functions, but talks bad behind their backs...but she does give them hugs and tells her brothers that she loves them. I asked her sister in law about her and she told me that they all were pulling for me and that they hope things work out because they like me. Her father opens up to me and told me he never liked her last boyfriend, who is the one who put her over the edge and caused a lot of her problems. I told her sister in law that because of her issues, I was concerned at times because it's been getting to be too much for me and I was concerned that if I did end it she would lose control. I know, I shouldn't worry about that because I do have to care for myself, but her sister in law told me that no one in the family would blame me if I left her. She told me that if my girlfriend made one complaint about me she would read her the riot act about blowing it with me. I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but just setting the stage for how things are, and I'm very flattered that they like me.

Sometimes I can't stand her because of how she treats me, but then when things are good I couldn't ever feel happier. I know whe have a lot of the same values, and love our time together, but then things get bad and lately they seem even worse. But if she gets ill I know that I'm the first one she calls and she wants me to help her because I do feel that she truly loves me.

I know when she's happy and things are good, that is the woman I fell in love with. But when she's unhappy and gets upset at little things...I don't like it and try not to take it personally, and I know that it's her defense mechanism for having low self-esteem. She sometimes worries about things so much that she makes herself sick, and she sometimes wonders why I care about her with all her issues. I tell her that it's who she is that I love and that I know she's still in there even on her worst day. Sometimes when she cries, I feel like I'm talking to a scared child, and I tell her I love her, then other times she sounds very much like an adult woman who is more than capable. Then there are the times when she's a total bitch and I feel like I can't say or do anything acceptable. Then the next day she apologizes and tells me she loves me.

So why do I still love her when things get so bad that I can't stand her? Is it because I've 'crossed over' and realize that it's not her that treats me poorly, but her issues that cause her to react how she does? I do think that she can get better and that we're very compatible, but I wonder if I get even closer if she'll begin to treat me like she does her family...always complaining that they do nothing for her with ever realizing what she has put all of them through.

Am I just being an idiot here? I've rejected women before, but I can't seem to bring myself to leaving her...I love her, and I want to be with her. I can't seem to pry myself away and tell her that I've had enough, because I'm optimistic and see the good in her.

I guess I just want someone to tell me that I'm not a bad guy for feeling like leaving, and not an idiot for staying with her. Sorry this is long, I've written it a few times and deleted it because I feel very confused, and lost at times and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I have no family, and not only have I fallen for her, but her family as well.

thanks for reading....

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Unbroken

I unfortunately cannot tell you what you want to hear and I say that with the best of intentions.

Without sounding like your mother :rolleyes:, I have the following to say:

I suggest you read up on the abuse cycle and make your decisions being well informed. Remember your responsibility is to look after yourself first.

The questions I would ask myself are these....knowing that PTSD is a permanent illness....are you prepared to live like you are knowing what you know? Does the good outweigh the bad enough? Do you need to let her help herself first before she is available to have a relationship as she has a responsibility to maintain herself? Are you using PTSD as an excuse for her to treat you badly or accept things you wouldn't normally accept?

I am by no means saying your girlfriend does not deserve to be in a relationship and be loved but I am saying is she really capable of such right now or does she need to learn to control/manage her PTSD first.

Kathy once said if you met a person who was in a wheelchair due to being an amputee, well you would be expecting too much if you wanted them to go jogging or dancing with you. The limitation is obvious and so the expectation must be relevant. PTSD is not obvious and cannot be sized up by looking at a person. Your judgement and assessment is one only you can make. Perhaps learn some more about PTSD, watch what your girlfriend takes responsibility for and then make an educated decision.

I don't deny that you love your girlfriend. A relationship does take more than love though and it has to be a two way street.

Good luck.

 

[flyable6string]

I feel your pain

I know what you are going through. I love my wife so much, and want to feel loved back by her, but I dont get it very often, mostly put downs, and push aways when I try to hug her.
My wife also had PTSD before I met her she has had it for six years now, but from what you have described of your girlfriend, she seems to suffer worse than my wife does. Is she going to treatment? Has she had treatment before? My wife told me that she was worse than she is now, and that she cried a lot, she takes her frustrations out on you because she probably feels safe with you, she knows that you love her. Maybe if you just try to stick it out a little longer she might get better. Hopefully one day they will find a cure. Executing child molesters and rapists would be a good place to start. Good luck to you both.

 

[rob4444]

Sadly one of my symptoms,of my many disorders is the inability to trust anyone...even my wife of 20 years..i think i believe that she has been monogamous...but i still attack her about other men..daily....it tears me apart when it happens,but i have no control to stop it..i think shes used to it now..but it must be horrific for her and it eats me up...poor thing cant go to the corner shop without me freaking out...we know we love each other..need each other..thats all that counts.

 

[Lucky Laser]

Trust... absolute trust... I would give up everything I own and live on the streets if only I could have that feeling again. I know that my husband would never do anything to hurt me but yet that fear, totally not his fault or because of anything he has done, is always hiding in some dark corner of my mind. Whenever I make a comment that demonstrates mistrust I hear it as if I were some other person and sometimes, as if I were that other person, I grab my head and yell "No! I know that isn't real!"

It must be so hard for him...

But to answer your question... no I don't think you're a bad guy for feeling like leaving and no I don't think you're an idiot for staying. If you read over what you wrote, I think you answer your own question pretty well... you see the good in her. You've fallen for her.

Just remember that she also needs to work on getting things under control and that you've got to take care of yourself if the relationship is going to work for the long term.

 

[Cowgirl]

Unbroken,

Perhaps your GF makes you feel needed and important? It is a wonderful feeling, to be needed. But, do you really want to take on a parental role with someone with whom you are in a romantic relationship? From what you write, she will never be able to be an equal partner. You need to use caution here, in my opinion.

She will not change. You need to understand that. She has had PTSD and bi-polar for a long time. PTSD is not curable. Neither is bi-polar disorder. Bi-polar disorder is nasty. It is difficult to treat. In all probability, she will never be able to be on her own; and she will never be a responsible adult.

You may have met her during one of her up cycles in the bi-polar disorder and that is why she seemed so great. Gosh, I remember dating a guy for a short while, some years back. He seemed so awesome at first. And then he cycled from his up phase to his down phase, and it became abundantly clear that he was not capable of maintaining a relationship. He was bi-polar. I'm not saying that all bi-polar sufferers are incapable of maintaining a relationship, but I'm sharing this so you can take a hard look at what you are facing.

Your GF having bi-polar disorder on top of PTSD is going to make anyone's life with her more than challenging. You can see that in how she treats her family. Do you want to be part of her family, to be treated that way? She will cycle from good times to down times. Some bi-polars are more often depressed than manic, so that wonderful up side you saw might be fleeting and rare.

As Nicolette said, there is more to a long-lasting relationship than love.

Good luck to you,

Cowgirl

 

[unbroken]

Thanks for the replies, I have to admit that I was confused and stressing a little about what went on, and probably shouldn't have vented the way I did. I guess if I didn't love her the way I do it would have been easy for me to just break it off, but I do see a lot of good in her, and since she's not angry all the time I don't want to give that impression. I feel bad for what I posted now, because I can see that it has garnered a few wrong impressions.

I don't think PTSD owns "abusive behaviour", people who suffer through any affliction, whether it's an illness or a bad day at work, can act similarly and we don't suggest setting boundaries with them, we support them. PTSD IS the excuse for why she acts that way, it's just doesn't make it excusable. She has PTSD, and that is the reason why she lashes out - because she is stressing about what she is going through. Her behaviour, while it's not rational, is not abusive as there isn't any name calling, nor does she give me ultimatums. She is far more committed to our relationship that I had imagined, and was shocked that I thought we were on the brink because she didn't see it that way. She wants to be in this relationship, and she is very sincere about a happy life together.

We had a very good talk the other night about what happened and she realizes that she over reacted and felt bad for it. She knows that doesn't excuse it, but she is trying to get better and sees a therapist, a counselor and a psychiatrist to help her understand herself better too. She told me that she's not used to a guy loving her unconditionally and being there for her, and that's what makes it hard at times because she needs to feel confident that I'm not going to just bail on her. She said she knows my heart is in the right place and that she wants to learn to accept my help without feeling like I'm counseling her, which I assured her I'm not intending to do.

When I mentioned "life sentence" to her, she cringed and told me she refuses to let PTSD control her forever, that she wants to and will get better. That really impresses me that she feels that way. It will take time and understanding, a lot of patience. While I appreciate the replies and know they are based on my (over)reaction to the weekend, I don't think it's a fair assessment for anyone to suggest that she will never change. Her past arguments with her family was when she was at her worst, directly after what caused all of this. While she sometimes lashes out at me it's not as bad as it was when she truly felt alone in her life. Her family has told me they see a big improvement in her, but since they don't want to take the time to learn about PTSD they tend to put her on edge because they would like there to be an easier excuse for her behaviour, like alcoholism or addiction to medication. The one thing I want to point out again is that she did shut me out once, and I asked her one time not to shut me out and now she doesn't. That's an improvement, and probably a huge one.

Since this is a new relationship for us, and PTSD is new to me, then it is very difficult for me to just throw in the towel and give up on a woman I feel very strongly about. She has some issues, and we both feel it's manageable. If I were speaking after a year of putting up with this with no improvement, then I would think that it's time for me to reassess my feelings and decide what's best for me. Right now, though, I have to be fair to her and admit that since I don't fully understand what triggers her and how to better help her I shouldn't react the way I do. I did ask her how she would like me to react when she stresses and lashes out, and she wants to talk with her counselor and learn what is acceptable. Since she does have PTSD she doesn't want to feel like she is incapable so she does want to learn how to handle it better when I do try to help.

I have a lot to learn, and I don't allow her to treat me poorly just because she has PTSD, I do let her know and we both have to work as a team and find out what works for us. I have my own triggers and she is learning about me too and how I react to things she says/does. But the bottom line is that she is making an effort and wants to get better, and I can't fault her for that. Again, I do feel bad for my post because I was venting and feeling confused about what happened. I do get upset when she acts that way and she knows it, and while it's not all her fault she does accept that she shouldn't have acted that way.

We'll work through it, and time will tell. I think she's a beautiful person who's had some bad things happen to her. It may be hard to break through the wall but I have been getting through...she wants me in her life and that's something even she is surprised by, because, as she tells me, she's never met a guy like me. I am flattered, and I'm willing to give her the space and understanding she needs. She's not all bad, and I'm sorry I painted that picture because right now she is my best friend. She is the kind of woman who does want a relationship, and she wants it to last. She doesn't need a guy in her life, she wants one, and that makes her happier. I am glad that I'm the one, and I will try my best to learn more about her and to help her rather than to just vent my frustrations. I don't blame anyone for their replies, but I can see I did her an injustice by posting that, as I said...I was venting and frustrated and probably should have counted to ten first, but I have no one else to talk to about how I felt.

After all, I have the best of both worlds....I'm in love with someone beautiful, and after she gets through her bout and is happier and calmer I get to fall in love with her all over again. :)

thanks...

 

[2quilt]

I have PTSD, and my husband was married before to a woman who had another mental illness, but the big difference between how his first wife handled her illness and the way I do is this: When I am feeling bad, when I think my meds need adjusting, the second I feel depressed to the point where I know that I can't do this by myself, I call for help. I call the doctor and make an appointment for as soon as possible, I call my husband home from work if necessary, I call a hotline for help, I call my friends and ask them to watch me. My husband's first wife did not want help; she was put in the state hospital against her will and refused to cooperate, she took no responsibility for her behavior but instead blamed my husband for all the problems, she refused to participate in the in-patient course her employer provided for mental illness, and simply shut my husband out. They lived like roommates.
He loved her and he stayed by her for 3 more years, but she refused his help, anyone's help.
I struggle with PTSD, but I am constantly trying to get better, and I am responsible for my actions. I want to stay married to the man I love, and so I am motivated to go to therapy, get medicated if necessary, and otherwise do everything I can to be as healthy as possible with this illness.

 

[ladybug08]

I may be wrong, but I am being honest...her family sees you as her hero, but she needs to learn coping skills.

 

[pandora]

I think your girlfriend is very lucky to have found a man that is as insightful and understanding as you are.....There should be more men as understanding as you are.....I just haven't found one yet......I think if you both work together....that is great. Communication is key IMO.

 

[unbroken]

I may be wrong, but I am being honest...her family sees you as her hero, but she needs to learn coping skills.

Hi-
I'm not sure if "hero" is the right word, but they do think that all she needed was someone genuine and honest. You are correct about coping; we had a nice long talk this weekend about it and I think she realizes that she needs to handle things differently. The next day we talked some more, and she told me, "everything you said is true" - meaning that she's starting to realize that she doesn't have to be on the defensive so often or so quickly. I had told her it's not about who's right or wrong, it's about realizing that she does hear things differently from how they're presented.

My own father riddled me with guilt and for years I took things too personally, and reacted as though the person was insinuating something rather than just commenting. I learned how to react better and not be on the defensive, and it took a while but I've learned. We never get rid of all of it, but we can learn to control it better.

thanks...

 

[unbroken]

I think your girlfriend is very lucky to have found a man that is as insightful and understanding as you are.....There should be more men as understanding as you are.....I just haven't found one yet......I think if you both work together....that is great. Communication is key IMO.

thanks, that's nice of you to say. We had a great weekend together, I think it helped immensely that I told her how I was feeling about how she handles things sometimes. She's understandably trying to get beyond what has happened in the past with guys who weren't very sincere. She wasn't feeling well and couldn't understand why I stayed with her while she was resting. She said she wasn't used to it, and I jokingly told her, "well, the only way to get me to stop caring for you is to dump me". It broke my heart when she cried and told me no one has ever done this for her. Why do I still love her? That's one reason why....