Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

[Nolen]

You have explained this to her, correct?
It's very likely she might not realize how you may be feeling. When I go through these episodes of isolation I'm focusing on just myself, which is most important, for sanity reasons. Maybe explaining what youre going through will help her reconnect with you?

 

[K201]

@Meadowsweet thank you that makes a lot of sense. You are right that is just my emotional reaction. It's not about me, I try to say that over and over. I don't know how much better it makes me feel, but I have to remember to not be selfish and give him that time for himself that he needs.

@BlueEyes I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm afraid this will be me. It has just started for me, but the things you said are what I'm feeling. When I said something to him recently in a sad moment I was having, we were having a convo I said " I'm trying to understand but we text all the time and u don't even say anything nice baby" he responded with " if that's what you need I can't give that to you right now. It's hard to explain or understand but I am just running on auto pilot here, very blah, just wake up every day do my routine go to work come home shower go to bed"

So I guess they literally just CANT give the affection at the time, at least in his case. I know I should be grateful that he tries to even explain it a little to me.

Ask her, maybe her response will comfort you a bit. I'm feeling sad at the moment, but at that time his response gave me some type of comfort I guess that comfort in remembering "it's not me" again...

Feel free to message me if you need to talk..

 

[Never Give Up]

@blue_eyes18 - I just read your post and I left you had written that for me. I am in the same state of feelings now you just explained. I have the same needs, concerns, wants. I feel they are not unrealistic and could be obtainable if she would just stop thinking about herself and create this negative void. Hang in there...if you have the energy to persevere.

I decided to move out of my house on Wednesday just for a few days and regroup myself from the destruction I have been dealing with and surrounding myself with positive people who want to love and communicate. You just never know what you miss until you find it again. Stepping out of your battle zone to take care of yourself is not selfish and if it is just for a week or so, it might be good for the both of you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm just needy. Well of course I am! Who doesn't need something back from their partner???

Needy doesn't have to be something negative, it may simply be recognising what your needs are. Those needs are different for everyone, and sometimes it's not that people who don't fulfill them are 'selfish' for asking for their needs to be met, or that you are 'selfish' for asking for yours to be met. It sounds more like both of your needs clash, leaving neither of you able fulfill or provide for the others.

It would be a shame to battle each other over whose needs should be met and perhaps easier to accept that the needs you have between you don't work.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Yeah she knows. She just reminds me that I should know by now it's not me and that everything is fine.

Yay. Lol. Everything is fine .. to her. She doesn't seem to care that I'm being ripped apart from loneliness. Or she just doesn't notice? To her, me communicating my feelings just means she just needs to remind me all is fine and we are good, and that she's just having a hard time within herself at the moment.

I get that. But what the heck do people do in the meantime while their partners are mia? I just don't think I can deal with it anymore. It's taking too much of a toll on me. I just want a partner who's there and checked into the relationship. It's making me full on depressed.

 

[Never Give Up]

@blue_eyes18 - while your partner is in MIA mode....find things to do that will occupy your mind and time. Do you have anyone you can and speak with? Get some of this burden off your chest could be a huge stepping stone for you. Any hobbies or projects you have been putting off. I know when I get depressed waiting for my wife to deal with her issues, I have had no energy to do the fun things until this week. It really helped me get out of my "what did I do now to you" mode. Surround yourself with positive people and show her what it looks and feels like. Love and kindness....she is just a shell of herself.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Meadowsweet -
You're right; it seems like our needs are incompatible. I need a relationship with a person who is present emotionally. I feel like I am dating a hollow shell. And it's so hard. I don't believe she's doing it intentionally. But the resentment is building up in me to the point where I feel I'm about to explode. I always tell her how much she means to me. I always show her. And it's really hard when you feel like you're getting nothing back. But then I feel selfish because I feel like I'm just supposed to understand.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thank you never give up. That means a lot. I appreciate your responses so much.

 

[Meadowsweet]

the resentment is building up in me to the point where I feel I'm about to explode.

That's what comes across in your posts.

It sounds like you're showing her how much she means to you because that's what you want her to behave like. Then you are upset because she doesn't act that way. That sounds very unhealthy. It isn't right to depend on somebody else for your happiness and to blame them for dragging you down because you're not getting what you want.

 

[Gryffy]

By the same token, relationships are give and take. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a significant other to act like a significant other.

 

[Meadowsweet]

When your partner explains that they can't be what you want, that it's their issue and it's not about you, so that you don't hurt. It is wrong to expect them to be something else. It's ok to hurt, that's understandable, but it is wrong to blame them for not fulfilling your needs. You love people for who they are, not for what you thing you can make them be.

 

[K201]

@Meadowsweet that makes a lot of sense. My bf would say that to me. It isn't you, he would try to make me understand but at that point I wasn't thinking he meant it was the PTSD. I didn't know anything about what PTSD then. So now when he says "I tried to tell you" I feel it's unfair because that's only telling someone a chip of something...

I think of that, that I have to love him for who he is. Not even who he was, even though I am missing that person who gave me all that love I have to love this person at this moment and not be mad or resentful, but it's only been a few weeks like this. I can understand why blueeyes is getting resentful because it seems like it has been a long time he is going through this. I don't know how I will feel in the future...