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Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

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So you seek out partners who can provide that for you, and you in return for them.

Doesn't this statement pretty much validate what Meadowsweet said? As adults we have the responsibility to find relationships that provide us with the emotional support that we desire and need. If we find ourselves in one that doesn't, then we have the responsibility to remove ourselves from that situation or we can choose to stay and be unhappy. Regardless, we have a choice. Children, on the other hand, do not have a choice (therefore do not have the responsibility) because they are stuck with the family they have until they are old enough to take responsibility for themselves.
 
I never said that being single is in any way dysfunctional. I said that most people have certain emotional needs (like close companionship and intimacy). You do not need to be in a relationship all the time; however going extended periods of time without having those needs met often results in feelings of loneliness. A healthy life is a delicate balance.

And relationships are a two-way street that require effort from both parties. It's one thing for a person with PTSD to struggle with intimacy or communication but to try and find a solution that works for both people. It sounds like blue_eyes is describing something entirely different, where one person isn't willing to pull their weight or even acknowledge that the other person HAS needs. That's not okay, PTSD or not.

We do have a choice to walk away. But until that choice is made, damage can be done. Sometimes I get the feeling on this forum that the supporter is held more responsible than the sufferer, when it really should be 50-50.
 
Solely speaking for myself, I think part of the misunderstanding (may?) come from that which has not be stated here but you just said @Gryffy -that the intimacy is equally fulfilling. It can be, provided the vigilance of 24/7, the fear, the thoughts, the fear of trust, etc, can be relaxed or overcome. And as I mentioned above, if the message is you are a failure, it will undermine and destroy it, ultimately. In fact, no one wants it pointed out they're 'unlovable', and I would dare say even more worried they're 'sharing their damage'. The accountability (vigilance of symptom management) is usually near 24/7 for the sufferer too. It's exhausting.
 
This does happen very frequently and for extended periods of time. Gryffy is right. And I am left for a month or so in the cold not receiving any sort of emotional or physical affection. Then she will come back and be the perfect girlfriend, just to turn around and start all over again in a month.

I understand the gist that I'm responsible for my own emotional happiness. And that one shouldn't feel as though they require a partner to feel happy. But that thought also turns a blind eye to the fact that as humans, we are social creatures who actually do require love and companionship. Its how we are hard wired. And when you pick a mate you want to settle down with and spend your life with, and you realize that it's really hurtful most of the time to love them, I think it's almost blaming the supporter by saying it's our fault that we get hurt by it.

I think it's one thing to need some space for a bit to come back around and be good again. But in my situation, I feel like I'm living in hell. It happens so frequently and for such extended periods of time, that I am left without. I don't rely on my partner for everything: I'm a full time student, full time job, and an active social life. I don't sit around waiting for my gf to be my everything. but I miss her. And I am starved for her physical and emotional affection. I respectfully disagree to say that it's my responsibility to not let that happen. I love my partner with my whole heart and don't want to be with someone else. But being with her has proved excessively lonely, as well. It's a lose lose situation.
 
Blue-eyes, you've not gone into much detail here about what your needs entail, what your partner does give and what more you would like your partner to give. So it is difficult to offer any useful advice.

A point I have made several times is that individuals have different needs - whereas one person needs daily hugs and to do everything together, the next person will find that irritating and enjoys a more independent existence. My goodness, if there was one perfect way, then we'd all want that same person.

But there's not. We all need different things in relationships, and finding Mr or Miss 'right for you' is about accepting your needs and desires, as well as what you are willing to compromise on. Sometimes you make a mistake and find yourself with someone who you aren't compatible with.

Letting go of the dream of what it could have been like is upsetting, but it's not their fault or yours, because there is no 'right' way to be. It's like saying here's a key and there's a lock, that key is perfect just the way it is, but we only see that when it finds the lock that it was made for.

I would say to anyone that you are perfectly capable of standing by yourself, you don't need somebody else to make you whole. If I may offer a personal perspective, my bad self image, coupled with my neediness, led me into a series of unhealthy relationships. The best thing I did was to take time out to deal with those issues for myself. Perhaps that's what you need to do.
 
"SweetLullaby, post: 659131, member: 14111

Here's a Link to a video tutorial about quoting:
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And here's the link to the testing forum:
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Hey SweetLullaby, many thanks for taking the time to send me those links! I've checked them both out, and I've just discovered the preview button at the bottom too, rather than trying to post and then edit if it doesn't come out right!
 
It sounds to me like they do have a compatible and loving relationship for a while, but then when PTSD rears its ugly head, she's not willing to get help and try to make things work or really even acknowledge that there's a problem. There's a difference between simple incompatibility (different wants/needs) and stringing someone along, only responding to their needs when it is convenient or easy.

I agree that even though it's hard, blue_eyes should probably try to seek happiness elsewhere. We all have that responsibility to ourselves. I think the frustration here lies in the fact that it all feels so one-sided. It's so difficult to care about someone deeply and have things be going well, then to be repeatedly abandoned. You stay because the good times make you think it's worth it, and it might take a while for you to realize that maybe it's not and to work up the courage to leave. That doesn't mean that you have self image issues or that you're needy. It hurts regardless.

I (and I think I can speak for other supporters too) really do genuinely appreciate the advice and the help. It's just hard when you feel hurt and your partner either can't or won't acknowledge it. Then you come here and people tell you how you could improve, but won't acknowledge that the other person did anything wrong or didn't manage their PTSD well. You feel guilty for feeling hurt, or like you shouldn't feel the way that you do. Part of our healing process is remembering that not everything was our fault and that we have the right to our emotions.
 
@blue-eyes. I completely understand how you are feeling. I am at the same place right now.

Honestly, if I didn't have my 8 year old daughter, I would have been out of this situation 6/7 years ago.

If you don't have children with her, it is just you and you can go. It is hard, but not as hard as living the way you are living.
 
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@Gryffy - your last post really pinpoints the true feelings and emotions some of us supporters are dealing with. I had to re-read your comments because it made so much sense to me. I had a fantastic marriage until something changed. My wife does not think she has any issues but then yet you comments about "not doing anything wrong" is all I hear. It is all my fault. When do we learn to learn to forgive and learn to apologize. I know I am not perfect....and her actions against me are not my fault.
 
Hey guys. Just an update. We actually broke up about a week and a half ago. She broke up with me out of no where. We had agreed upon, per her request, to taking the week days for her to have time to work on herself and that we would have a date night once a week to stay connected. I gave that about a month, and she wasn't making any time for me. We would study together occasionally, but never have our date night. I was accommodating and understanding for about a month, but when she cancelled plans on me Saturday night to be alone, and we hadn't had any time together in so long, I finally realized how lonely I was feeling.

I tried to speak calmly about this to her. I told her I was just communicating, and wanted us to talk. I said that I felt that we weren't spending quality time together like we had agreed upon. I asked if she had noticed. She then blew up on me and started verbally assaulting me. Yelling at me, telling me all I ever do is complain and that I'm always negative. And that she gets it that she doesn't know how to communicate and to stop bothering her about it. She kept going on and on, and then said she had had a really awful day and she just needed to go. She then hung up on me.

I didn't hear from her that night or the next night. So I finally contacted her and she said she just couldn't deal with a relationship anymore. That it was too much pressure for her and she couldn't handle it while she's trying to get healthy.

All I've ever done is be her supporter through thick and thin. I always tried to encourage her and stand by her. She's done this so many times. This is how our break ups always happen. she gets mad and blows up on me for reasons I can't understand (just trying to communicate?), and then says I'm pressuring her too much.

It's been approaching two weeks and we haven't talked except for a couple days after the break up where I asked her if she was sure this was what she wanted. She insisted it was and she didn't want to talk. So I have given her what she asked for. A part of me is relieved. The stress and anxiety I was beginning to feel from that relationship was overwhelming sometimes. The never knowing what to expect with her etc wore me down. Another part of me is crushed because I invested so much into that relationship.

Any insight into what the heck happened and how she may be feeling at this moment? Are those blow ups normal?
 
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