Relationship Why do sufferers sometimes never keep their word

[krisss]

Just mention that you thought you were going to go together.

IDK. You know him better than we do. Why...

I think i will, i just thought if i mentioned it he would think that he now HAS to go with me, and then the fact that I was disappointed when he mentioned going with his friend - would send him on a spiral? Like he would push back because he can't deal with feeling he caused my disappointment? If i make sense.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't know... this sounds less like PTSD and more like him just being inconsiderate or forgetful.

My vet cancels plans all the time. He may WANT to do something, even be looking foreword to it, but then his stress cup overflows and he CAN'T do it. He just cannot make himself go. That is a stress reaction.

However him telling me he'd do something with me, then deciding to go do that thing with somebody else... doesn't sound like PTSD. It sounds like everyday stuff. Actually I'd be irritated with him for being inconsiderate.

Like I said earlier, he either forgot he said he'd go with you, was oblivious that you wanted to go with him, or he is being inconsiderate. All you can do is ask him. Don't give him free passes because he has PTSD.

 

[krisss]

Don't give him free passes because he has PTSD.

You are very right. I guess i'm kinda naive. I am giving him free passes, i just dont always know the difference.

Wow I am struggling with this.

 

[anonymous]

When he was feeling low my vet could not do crowds with me but he could do crowds with his male friends.

I have no idea if this is the case here... but a sufferer (a Vet) told me that if he went with his friends he felt like being part of a team and that they could fight back in case of emergency, for example if they became victims of a crime. Of course there is not going to be an emergency but ptsd makes a person feel like there is always a thread.
If he went with his wife however he felt like he needed to protect her in case of emergency and that made it stressful for him.

After the other sufferer told me I stopped complaining because my vet would go places with his friends but not with me.

 

[krisss]

When he was feeling low my vet could not do crowds with me but he could do crowds with his male frien...

Well this makes sense too. Like i said previously i am struggling. I wish there was a damn handbook on exactly what to do say and how to react to things. But nothing in life is that easy. I hope one day i can fully grasp and understand him without being upset or frustrated.

Thank you for your reply, really.

 

[Hojay]

If my SO promised to do something with me, then changed his mind and did that with someone else (plus not even mentioning we had those plans together,) I’d be handing him his sweet behind in a hand basket. One thing is cancelling because of overwhelm, I’d get that. This though, seems like a PTSD unrelated screw up. Of course there’s the possibility he was very out of it when you made those plans with you and simply forgot. That could be somehow PTSD related, but I’d say you better ask him.

 

[joeylittle]

I think i will, i just thought if i mentioned it he would think that he now HAS to go with me, and then the fact that I was disappointed when he mentioned going with his friend - would send him on a spiral? Like he would push back because he can't deal with feeling he caused my disappointment?

So, something that's pretty common for anyone who supports someone with a mental illness to do, is get tripped up by a kind of cognitive distortion, called mind-reading.

10 primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

That link is worth a read - not so much so you can identify the ones you might have, as so that you can see if the behavior resonates with your experience of your sufferer.

But in your example of the trip to the movies, above: you jumped to a conclusion (he'd mis-interpret your reasons for asking), and avoided bringing it up (in order to avoid a possible down-spiral). In a situation like the one you describe, the thing that you can do for yourself is just unpack a little bit what you actually wanted and felt in that situation. It sounds like your feelings were hurt, and you experienced insecurity about where you stand with him. It's very possible that, in his mind, it's not that big of a deal. That's also not a PTSD thing, it's just a personality/communication thing. If he did not understand that you and he were making plans, and if you weren't clear that it mattered to you, he can't really be expected to intuit these things. Not because he has PTSD, just because no-one could.

I don't see anything wrong with saying, "I was hoping to see that movie with you", followed by "can you and I make a plan to see something else?"

But if the question you really have is, "do you still want to do things with me?" - well, that's not really about the movie so much as it's about a bigger issue that you are struggling with right now. A decent couples therapist would suggest that you can begin to work on this issue by making plans with him in a more concrete way, things that you would like to do together.

Now, wrapping PTSD-logic into it...honestly, when things are going pretty shitty, it's hard to stay connected to people. The thing that's foremost in his mind might have more to do with wanting to be doing that good-for-your-mental-health thing of making plans with friends. And that has nothing to do with choosing the friend over you - really nothing at all.

 

[krisss]

So, something that's pretty common for anyone who supports someone with a mental illness to do, is g...

I think this was the best way you could have explained this. These comments and forums really do help so much. I am going to look into that link you posted to see how i can relate and try to look at things differently.

You hit the nail on the head with that whole post overall.

 

[LuckiLee]

A few questions I have if you don't mind...

How long have you been dating?
How long has he been out of the Military?
How often does he cancel on you?
You say you knew him prior to PTSD "symptoms" showing up? But did you know him prior to his trauma? And did he cancel plans with you then?

If my guy had plans with me then decided to go with someone else. I would have said... Oh man. I thought we were doing xyz.
I'm not sure why you feel you couldn't express that to him? Unless, things like this happen more frequently?...You trying to control HIS emotions.

You don't have to answer I just thought we could get a better understanding of your relationship. Either way keep reading around the forums. There's a ton of information around here!

Good luck!

P.S. Thanks for the post @joeylittle.

 

[krisss]

A few questions I have if you don't mind...

How long have you been dating?
How long has he been out of...

We dated OFFICIALLY for a year, basically 2 and a half really.
Hes been completely out since the beginning of September.
He cancels, sometimes. More so recently just because we have broken up, and I see some of his symptoms showing its ugly head.
I think he has always had these issues, as far as when he got out of the military completely, but he always pretended he was okay. then it just started boiling over.
I didnt date him or talk to him prior to his combat trauma either.

I guess i do things trying to control his emotions and how they affect me. I'm trying to learn better.

After all these responses I did actually end up talking to him about it.

 

[Gamereign555]

My friend did that to me once. I am the one with PTSD and she is not. Our plans were to go with another friend but she had to go and get them.

She loaded her day with all kinds of other things and decided that she didn’t have time to come and get me for the movie and so I couldn’t go. She ended up going to the movie with our friend without me.

She tends to be aloof with her plans and also unapologetic about them. She is still a friend of course I don’t let things like that get to me for too long I just set my own boundaries.

It’s an interesting question to wonder why somebody would do that, taking out the PTSD part of it. My guess is there are a lot of reasons why someone might do that, and that encompasses many different types of people. And reasons why.

 

[ByrnesT]

@krisss I’m not sure I can say much to help as such & I obviously don’t know all the details of your situation or the regularity of this problem, but I can say I might understand some of where you’re coming from.

My sufferer was making plans with me only to turn up several hours late or, more often than not, just completely cancel her plans with me from our 2nd date & right the way through the next 2.5 years. She’s a mother of 2 children & would hide behind that as her excuse & then make me out to be ignorant & not understanding of her being a busy mother. But this was not what it was about at all. It goes without saying that if she was genuinely taken up by the children then I would have had no issue at all. Just keep me in the picture as & when you can. But she would drop me like a bad habit at any time & with bare minimum explanations & it was never ever for genuine reasons. I guess it was a control thing on my sufferer’s part, maybe she was a bit overwhelmed, maybe she felt guilty about having time for herself, I really don’t know the definitive answer. And it was something I always pointed out to her & something I would always tell her how much it hurt me...all I got back was fury, anger & a continuation of the problem with absolutely no change whatsoever.

In my humble opinion, as much as some of those controlling/guilt/overwhelmed feelings may stem from her trauma & the way she has been shaped by it, it’s not an excuse for her to be able to treat me that way.

People here are making obviously very valid points about sufferer’s fears of going to certain places & the anxieties that brings. And that is all worth noting of course. But I believe, if I’ve read your posts correctly, that is not quite what this is about? He still went to this place, he just ignored that he’d made these plans with you?

If I’m reading that right, then I think you’re entitled to be upset. And I think you’re entitled to ask him about it.

Someone on this thread made the point that basically anyone can fail to keep their word. That point is very valid, tho I think it was made to sound more like an attack on you than you deserved. But yes, anyone can be inconsiderate or ignorant or forgetful, not just people with PTSD. Therefore, maybe he’s just being a bit of a crap partner here & it has nothing to do with his condition. You’ll know more as you know the regularity with which this happens & the awareness he then shows afterwards.

In my case I am starting to realise that my sufferer may be suffering from something a little different to PTSD & more of a personality disorder, so please don’t think I’m here with all the answers. My sufferer refuses to speak to anyone to get a diagnosis so I’m very much in the dark about a lot still. I can only share what I’ve experienced.

My point is only that I think I understand maybe a bit of what you’re describing with your partner & that you have my sympathy cos if it’s anything like what I’ve been through it’s extremely frustrating & hurtful. It makes you feel worthless when you’re trying so hard for them. I’m also learning that the illness is not an excuse for everything & sometimes they are just being a poor partner to you. I suspect in this instance that may be the case.

I think you should try to approach it with him nicely & calmly & simply ask him what happened. See what he says & then go from there.

Best wishes to you.