Why Does Being Praised Feel So Bad?

[heather q]

Ah, well, if more people simply said thank you and received it as a simple kindness, then many of us wouldn't feel manipulated and abused, the problem being, that in relationships we are/can be manipulated and abused, somehow or other, intentionally or not.

Sometimes they are simple kindnesses but we can tell, when they're not, and that is what I'm talking about.

Also in therapy when the T is trying to make you/me see the improvement, and they work hard to compliment, if it just doesn't fit in with what's going on, it creates suspicion and I get wary, it is also a distraction and I wonder why they need to distract me from where I was going, maybe he doesn't want to bother at this moment with what I need to talk about and I change the subject to collude rather than collide.

Sometimes they're fishing for a compliment, I can give a compliment when I'm good and ready on my terms, but not when manipulated, that's freaky, I hate it.

That would be helpful manipulation, yikes, it doesn't work for me. :rolleyes:

 

[angel2write]

Heather... I know just what you mean about people fishing for compliments and using manipulative praise. Yuck. And it makes me rebellious and withdrawn. (Reminds me too much of my mom! And I will not play that game any more.)

That infers or sort of says that true praise is valued higher, and is not questionable, how can you tell 'true praise?' from praise or untrue praise???

What would true praise be? I've been thinking about this. I think it comes in two forms.

One kind is feedback praise. Where someone is giving you praise to let you know that you've done what they want or need you to do. When you've achieved the standard they're looking for. You get this kind from teachers, bosses, directors, coaches, and sometimes spouses! It's my favorite kind of praise, really. It means I've met the goal. I've satisfied their requirements. The house or paper or form or play is good enough. It makes me happy.

Another kind of true praise is this sort of spontaneous praise that gets jerked out of people when they see something good about you. This one is harder for me because people try to fake it a lot. Like... when they exclaim "how cute" over my new hair cut, are they really impressed by the new style, or are they pretending because they got caught staring at my hair and have to say something?

My husband does this a lot. He'll just be looking at me, and he'll suddenly tell me what a great wife I am, or how beautiful I am. I think he's sincere. Which would make it "true" praise. Sincerity is what makes it real. BUT... I have trouble with that kind of praise, because my mom used it manipulatively.

My parents used false praise to get me to work harder, to send me on guilt trips, to convince me to participate in their mind games, to set me up for criticism, to get me to calm down, to extract return praise from me, and to control my emotions. Worst of all, my mother constantly fished for praise to reassure herself. After having to repeat the same praise words about thirty or forty times... they started to sound like nonsense words. And most of the praise had nothing to do with reality.

That it is obvious to everyone else and I'm stupid to need to ask the question, and I feel the backlash-from myself, my own IC, inner critic for saying as much, it, my IC is on Standby Mode and very alert to all, right now.

My thoughts on this aren't any more valid than anybody else's. But I wanted to say something because I didn't want you to feel like this. I know that backlash feeling, too, and it sucks. It hurts so much.

It's OK to ask and try to figure these things out. If we didn't get taught all these subtle behavioral things when we were kids, it can be a real struggle to try and develop them as adults. And talking about this kind of thing is why we're here! So please don't feel bad.

(((heather q)))

 

[OKRADLAK]

I have this problem, too. For me, it is very complex because it represents what I could have been, should have been, blah blah. It slams me in the face with the potential that was taken from me.

Yes, in one split second it is a why me moment. I do get it together by the end of the conversation and thank them graciously. But it hurts because what take hours and hours and even days of labouring over getting one thing right.....what others can do in a moment without even thinking......yes I may get it right in form but never in content.

Life is not supposed to be this hard, so when I get a compliment it just reminds me of how hard I work to pull one thing off, how exhausting (and subsequently unrewarding) it will be to pull of the next thing .

Just my take. :unsure:

 

[Philippa]

I think most people do have a hard time receiving praise, whether they have PTSD or not. People seem to be so good at dishing out criticism, that this is what most of us are used to. It makes sense that someone praising us would feel alien or unfamiliar, and therefore uncomfortable, if we have gotten used to thinking and feeling that we are horrible, filthy scum.

It takes a lot of hard work to see the good things in ourselves, so when someone else points them out to us, it contradicts everything we've been taught our whole lives.

I think it's worth making the effort to at least try and accept genuine praise when someone has felt the need to express that they think we are great in some way, even if it just seems like they are 'just saying that' or that it's the socially expected thing to do or say. What if they actually do mean it?

If someone can see something in us that we can't yet see ourselves, maybe it's not a bad idea to consider that it might be true, instead of instantly writing the comment, and the person off.

I think it's sad that society teaches people to stay down, and anything that might lift us up is to be treated with suspicion. Doesn't that strike you as terribly sad and weird?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think true praise is just honest and genuine, nothing expected in return, just a statement of fact. Not flattery, or manipulation, it is true, or encouraging, or an expression of thankfulness, gratitude or awe.

 

[heather q]

I think it's worth making the effort --- What if they actually do mean it?

I do make a point of stopping and repeating the comment, to myself, sometimes, saying ah, that's good, I'll keep that, in an effort to take it in, without my own IC's contradicting it, it does take special effort to hear it straight, as it is meant, and also, at times to discard perhaps what might be meant and take in the part that I want and leave the rest, depending on the situation.

 

[heather q]

I think true praise is just honest and genuine, nothing expected in return, just a statement of fact.

That is excellent, so simple so straightforward, a couple of days ago I was unable to see that, it's a good thread, lots of thinking...

 

[Eleanor]

God, heather, I cannot tell you the number of times someone has given me a compliment, and I get flushered and ten minutes later I remember that I could have just said "thank you." :notworthy: Instead of whatever evasive weird thing I said.

An honest report of what I did - with a positive evaluation - I think that would feel ok... hmmm.

 

[heather q]

An honest report of what I did - with a positive evaluation - I think that would feel ok... hmmm.

That I believe is the ultimate, just right, but that would take the ego gratification away from the 'giver' and cut down 70% of human communication, well, it's a guess!

 

[Eleanor]

Well... maybe the disfunctional kind of communication. Or, on second thought, maybe you are right. 70% strikes me as a bit high:D tho...

 

[heather q]

It might be a bit high, I thought about that too, but that was the number that presented itself, but if 98% of the population is dysfunctional, then I should think that 70% is a good rating, very difficult to get a real reading because it's going to be changing all the time, and you might hit the peak or the valley or RMS value, or even average and any one of them could screw up the results, depending on the analyzers, also! :confused:

 

[angel2write]

.. very difficult to get a real reading because it's going to be changing all the time, and you might hit the peak or the valley or RMS value, or even average and any one of them could screw up the results, depending on the analyzers, also!

Oh, Lord.... math! Oh my ears and whiskers! Was that English?? :p