Why don't i feel deserving of anything food?

[Roo]

This thread is just breaking my heart. I have never encountered people with such similar awarenesses and emotions to my own. Even my own siblings do not struggle to survive and keep finding reasons to stay alive. I don't even know what to say here. Something in this thread is touching the loneliness I have always lived with in a new way. That is good, unexpected, and oh so painful...

Sending you a thousand soft hugs, d.

:Hug_emoticon: :Hug_emoticon:

Lisa...see what good you've done...with your beautiful, raw, heart-opening words.

None of us is alone in this!

:Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon:

Roo

 

[Cindy]

Giving and never taking until this forum

I am a great listener to other peoples places on their road of life. However, my own path is carefully concealled. I offer help to others sharing my beliefs from my own experiences. I find it close to impossible to ask for help when my world is crashing. There are several reasons for this. I think the strongest reason is I have not had anyone who has the knowledge about PTSD to address me in a supportive way that is not condescending or dismissing the key elements. The second reason is after taking the risk and becoming vulnerable I have been rejected or pushed aside to refocus and the conversation on 'softer content' that makes the person I am engaging with more comfortable. After a while I just gave up other than with my psychologist. BUT, now I have found this site and feel people reaching out to me, listening, and valueing my words in what ever way they can that has meaning for them. I finally feel I am in a TWO WAY street - Give and Take.

THANKS everyone.

 

[void]

Wow!! this entire thread is intense, deep and emotional! :Hug_emoticon:to each of you and may we all find a way to exit our lonely cages. I have read and re-read this thread and find something new each time. To me this is the whole point of this forum, not to complain to each other about how F-ed up we are, but to have deep self-realization and to commune with other who can relate.

this quote softens and humbles me:think:

This thread is just breaking my heart. I have never encountered people with such similar awarenesses and emotions to my own. Even my own siblings do not struggle to survive and keep finding reasons to stay alive. I don't even know what to say here. Something in this thread is touching the loneliness I have always lived with in a new way. That is good, unexpected, and oh so painful...

:clap::clap::clap:

Void

 

[Seychelle]

This thread describes my life as well.

I've moved to a slightly different interpretation of why I usually don't feel like I deserve anything (I've worked really hard on this so I don't feel this as intensely as I used to). As well as all the negative stuff from parents/relatives, the child can find it safer to believe that they are bad and that's why all these bad things are happening to them. Safer to believe that and to think they have control over what's happening than the reality which is there is nothing the child can do to be safe and that the parents or whoever are in fact dangerous.

The inner belief can be 'if I'd behaved better or hadn't done x or y then I wouldn't have been beaten or raped or starved'. I still instantly blame myself if something goes wrong. I've only recently realised why I do this - it's a false belief that I can control what happens to me.

I've begun to read a fascinating book by Boris Cyrulnik, called The Whispering of Ghosts: Trauma and Resilience. He writes that two things are imperative in the healing of trauma -- and the ability to withstand trauma without being completely undone by it: they are (1) being bonded intimately with at least one person who does not bring harm, and (2) creating meaning from the traumatic experience.

I don't think I bonded with anyone safe growing up. There was nobody safe in my family, and my mother actively discouraged me from bonding with anyone. I've read that before - that people are more resilient to the effects of child abuse if they did have someone significant (and safe) in their lives.

 

[Roo]

Bonding...

...is such hard work for us, yes? I work like a mad thing sometimes, just to feel anything. I'm reading another mind-blowing book that I just found this weekend: Healing Invisible Wounds: Paths to Hope and Recovery in a Violent World, by Richard F. Mollica, MD. On the very first page, Dr. Mollica calls trauma an "existential wound" --> that just blew my heart and my mind wide open.

Dr. Mollica's specific focus is on refugee trauma, and on those who have survived larger-scale atrocities in Vietnam, Bosnia, Rwanda, and other places. He also spearheads a program that assists people in the aftermath of 9/11. He pays intricate attention to a person's culture, ancestry, symbolism ... and the meanings that different people/cultures give to events like mass trauma. Anyone can identify with this book -- for I believe that shock and trauma are so prevalent; no one is untouched by it ...

He writes with such heart, intelligence, grace and wisdom -- he reveres the art of storytelling and sees it as central to healing ... he also writes of the shame and humiliation that trauma survivors live with ... and the necessity of beauty in staying sane ... He considers the survivors he's met (and he's met a lot --> he's been doing this work for 30 years) his teachers.

He offers a universal perspective on trauma that is lucid, compassionate, and courageous ... and he underscores the soul-medicine of simple kindness ...

The tools for healing (as much as we can) are so simple, really -- it's a matter of being able to reach the wound through all its scarring and defenses ...

I'm gobbling up this book, and I am so grateful for it ...

I would like to imprint the wisdom of this man into every health-care provider's brain around the world -- oh, into the brain of every human being on this earth ... !:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Annie]

Great thread Roo...
I too relate all too well...I am learning about thought records and that helps me to change how I see myself. I am nowhere near feeling good about myself, but I now have faith that with a lot of work and determination, I can make it happen.

Thanks for starting the thread,
Annie