Why I'm a Hermetic Avoidant - Nihilism, Anhedonia, and Trauma

[Paranoid-BedBug]

I'm not doing well... which is nothing new.

I'm an introvert. People drain me of energy, thanks to hypervigilance.

But I'm very charismatic in person and a good conversationalist. I like talking to people and can form friendships fairly easily. I'm a respectful and successful flirt and am socially confident.

I don't believe everyone is out to get me. That's narcissistic, and few people care that much about random people they don't know, outside of stalkers.

I fear I'll break hearts and end dating relationships on bad terms, because I just don't pick compatible people for dating. I fear my own nervous system will retraumatize itself and I'll end up exhausted and miserable for six months or a couple years after a breakup.

I'm pansexual, and most of my friends in the past ended up asking for sex, romance, or a commitment of some kind.

I'm very loving, giving, and attentive. I listen and empathize easily, and I can see how much people appreciate a little kindness, so it's not surprising, particularly since I'm in a very niche and high-demand dating demographic with unique kinky skills.

But I'm not emotionally healthy enough to maintain a romantic relationship. I have the energy to do one major time commitment, and the rest of the time is for regulating and calming my nervous system so I don't break down into a major depression that leaves me bed-ridden for two years.

Right now, my energy is in my job, and I'm barely functional.

I go to work, come home exhausted, and relax and try to sleep.

That's it, I have no social life, no major hobbies, no athletic activities, no church, no romance, and no ambitions.

I've given up on life.

It's remarkable to me that I keep trying.

Every year or so, I'll give dating a shot.

But I end up disappointed.

People want my skills, not me, and it's terrible being on a pedestal like a cosplayer being worshiped while in costume by a fan of the character they play.

My last interest was a person I had a brief limerant last for, and it was the first time I felt a dopamine surge in years.

But I knew that was dangerous, so I pulled back for a few months. Then I tried being friends with the person, realized I couldn't put them into a friend category in my mind, and wrote them a goodbye letter.

I feel like such a waste of flesh for just existing, avoiding relationships and people because it's never been worth the effort.

My CPTSD always picks wrong, loves wrong, and doesn't end things soon enough.

I don't trust myself, but I'm romantically lonely and bored. I have my sister, and we have a very happy relationship, but my desire for romance and sex is unfulfilled.

I'm avoiding life to avoid pain.

Lately, I've been avoiding therapy due to an abysmal experience with one who triggered a dissociative state in which I was terrified and paranoid I was about to be committed or abused. I embarrassed myself and accused her of such intentions.

I hate dissociating to that extent.

I'm so afraid of being triggered, I don't bother getting help or reaching out to people, for fear I'll dissociate again.

I think I need a DID therapist, as I'm missing huge chunks of memories and dissociate to a petulant child state when triggered by very specific circumstances.

I hate my life.

Why did I role the dice to be born to obscenely abusive parents who destroyed my nervous system and saddled me with so much trauma that I can't even tolerate therapy?!

Oh well, at least, this time of year, I have the energy to go out black berry picking.

My skin is a mottled purple mess of stains and embedded thorns I've been digging out for weeks.

Worth it for the fruit, exercise, and time with my wonderful sister!

 

[Rose White]

That’s really sweet about the berry picking! Sounds like you e got a bunch of rules set up in your head to keep you (and others?) safe. Gently looking, probing, unfolding those is a brave process. Hoping you find some kind of safe place to do that. Here is definitely a low stakes place to let it out until you find a person in real life who can witness that with you.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I don't believe everyone is out to get me. That's narcissistic, and few people care that much about random people they don't know, outside of stalkers.

I don't think that's narcissistic at all for people who thinks there might be someone who might come to get them! Just a part of hypervigilance which is not always a constant belief, but it's a possibility. Never can tell. You say it like it's a choice! This can be the result of military training, substance abuse, letting symptoms go too far and risk hospitalization, what else?

Some choices can actually lead people to want to make the effort to hurt an individual, but they gotta find you first and never know when they do and they're definitely smart enough to cover their tracks. Undercovers are undercover for a reason.

 

[Paranoid-BedBug]

I don't think that's narcissistic at all for people who thinks there might be someone who might come to get them! Just a part of hypervigilance which is not always a constant belief, but it's a possibility. Never can tell. You say it like it's a choice! This can be the result of military training, substance abuse, letting symptoms go too far and risk hospitalization, what else?

I deeply appreciate this perspective.

I've been feeling shamed for my distrust of certain demographics, particularly cis-men, therapists, doctors, religious practitioners, dogs, and police.

My last therapist said my paranoia was irrational, and suggested I have scizo-affective disorder.

Except, I don't have neurotic fixations on numbers or patterns, generalized paranoia, or ideas of reference.

All of my paranoid fears are triggered by traumatic experiences in childhood lasting over 15 years.

I experienced CSA by a priest, my parents, dogs, and their friends. The police and FBI refused to believe or help due to the passing of the statutes of limitations.

My mother was a therapist. My father was a doctor. They ran experiments on their kids and sexualized us.

So my dissociative reactions and fear around these demographics is understandable, even though I logically know not everyone in these groups is abusive.

But rather than understand that my hypervigilance and mistrust are due entirely to devastating and persistent personal experiences, I feel like I'm being judged as psychotic, attention-seeking, and a liar.

I wish I knew a way to explain this to therapists without them adding the explanation to my symptoms as a tool to diagnose me as 'crazy.'

It feels entirely invalidating and cruel.

It was so intensely triggering. I cried every night for two weeks and had to take time off of work because my eyes kept leaking.

I need a therapist who understands this level of trauma and how it causes guttural fear and hypervigilance.

But even though I'm near a large, liberal city, i can't seem to find one that takes my insurance.

I'm terrified of trying again so soon after yet another traumatic experience with a therapist.

Why do I feel like I'm being persecuted and targeted by therapists and doctors when I'm paying them to give me the tools to process the trauma of having been violently and coercively raped as a child?!

Why is the instinct of the professional community to slap on labels and judgments as though we chose to be traumatized and intentionally dissociate?

I'm so hurt and disappointed in them and myself.

This shouldn't be the experience of a person suffering from CPTSD.

Why is compassion and empathy so hard to find when we're discussing severe CSA?

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

My experiences are different to yours and am a Cis man, male and male at birth?

I find what you have been through to be awful and incomprehensible. Why would someone do that!? Is where my mind goes, i ask the same questions about my experiences. I am not capable of such things so do not understand the motivations. I have been through things that others find the same. If I told it all many would not believe, HomelessJoe on here probably would. I would not say the responses are because of CSA or CPTSD.

I have had the same labels, judgments and accusations made to me as yourself. Have done my whole life for many things and more recently when trying to resolve abuse and assault.

Ignoring my childhood, I have been SA by men and women, did not mind the women if I'm honest when not in a bad way. I would be considered strong and independent, unable of having these things happen, yet that's because many do not accept what happend to me in childhood.

You have compassion and empathy here with many peers that can accept and understand what you have been through, and how you are feeling.

Others probably feel the same, to my own detriment I want to help you and anyone else I can so they dont feel and suffer the way I have. I want to know you, help, support and care for you. Prove things can be different, that you are not in the wrong and never have been. That is not possible and most likely unhealthy, a product of what I have been through. Same as many who suffer I would describe myself similar to you and have had others do so.

Gender, profession, social status has nothing to do with the response. It is more perspective and personal experiences. If you only dealt with peers for therapy you might get a different response but then it would be biased differently due to trauma experiences.

I dont get to have the same therapist consistently and cannot afford to pay for one. So when I contact a therapist I agree beforehand what we will address and treat. Stick to those facts and agreements, trying to get someone to understand everything in a few short sessions does not seem possible. I have had my lifetime and still cannot understand everything.

Your distrust, hypervigilance and concerns are valid, you are not and never have been crazy. They are a survival response to help you avoid pain and suffering. The bad are few, with the good being many, yet the good cannot understand when that is all they have known.

It was in the past, it is not happening to you now? If that's the case it's time to stop surviving and start living for yourself. Only you know what you need to get there, but it's a confusing mess due to memories and survival instincts.

Can you trust and talk to me and others here? Many will be from demographics that concern you, yet they understand and share some of your experiences.

There are other ways to treat what you suffer from rather than risk triggering yourself with one on one therapy. I would say this is a good start, some exposure therapy, talking therapy when and how you choose.

One step at a time, keep your mind and eyes open, when you feel ready maybe you can find someone worthy of helping you.