Why Is Breaking Conditioned Behaviors So Scary?

[TXbandit]

This is going to be a jumbled mess of a post. Apologies :)

I searched the forum for "bad decisions" and found this thread Link Removed Great info on what I have been fighting to change and allowing for a little over sixteen years now. No surprises.

I know I have conditioned behavior and have chosen men like my Dad and my abusive ex (recently kicked a familiar to the curb. Am learning..) but what I find I have trouble with is the guys outside of that. The good guys. The guys that have no red flags popping up left and right. They scare the everliving shit out of me! I run for cover when they want to meet FTF. Yes, I shop online for guys (don't judge :D). I am scared to death. Maybe it has something to do with not being ready for a relationship because I am still not quite over what had happened to me two years ago? Maybe it's both?

I know I deserve the best and I won't settle for anything less. Therapy has taught me so much about breaking old patterns but not how to ease in to new, healthier patterns. Am I just being a wuss or is this common? Can anyone else relate? I appreciate any input given.

Thanks

 

[holdenmonty]

It is tough to break away from what your use to/what your brain thinks is normal. I can't give much perspective on your situation but I know for me when I hear a loud boom or what sounds like a rocket attack siren my body reacts before I even realize what is going on.

But to me it sounds like you have been with guys that you see their flaws right away but the good guys you can't see their immediate flaws and it makes you wonder if they will appear good until your in a committed relationship and then they will turn into somebody like your dad and your abusive ex.

 

[TXbandit]

I use to go with guys who fit the same profile as my Dad. Drinks every night, controlling, manipulative, selfish, jealous, etc. My ex was one of those. I have since learned to recognize those behaviors.

I have pushed three potential boyfriends away that were really amazing men, because I was scared I was too broken. Or maybe a combination of what I described above(original post)? Lost...

I am afraid of good men!

 

[joeylittle]

I am afraid of good men!

Do you have any good male friendships?

 

[TXbandit]

I have more male friends than I do female friends. No issues with them and they are good guys.

 

[joeylittle]

I have more male friends than I do female friends

Then maybe you need to let your relationships start as friendships - I mean, that's all a nice date is anyway, right? Getting to know a new friend plus maybe there are tingles.

Looking for a relationship can feel like a ton of pressure. But making new friends sometimes doesn't feel as hard. And relationships aren't worth much if you aren't good friends (in my opinion).

 

[TXbandit]

Yeah. I have "looking for friend and maybe more later on" in my profile. I don't want to jump in too fast. Made that mistake too many times. You absolutely right about relationships not being worth much without being friends. Thanks for that. Makes me feel good that I decided to state looking for friends first in my profile.

 

[TXbandit]

Update: I have been talking to a guy I met online that lives two towns away. I mustered up the courage and met him. It went ok and he is everything he said he was. I was really standoffish and now worrying about every little thing. "What if this and that" :facepalm: Now I am afraid to contact him. This is getting old and I am constantly self sabotaging because I am afraid of the unknown and good. That is all I can chalk it up to being.

 

[Friday]

When I was first divorcing my ex I went and looked up a lot of statistics. For the pure and simple reason that I am not Hollywood. I don't beat the odds. If there is a statistic? I am smack dab in the middle of it.

I've only been in 2 abusive relationships. The vast majority of men I've dated have been really & truly amazing men. But those 2 were my last boyfriend before I married, and then my husband of 11 years. No way in hell did I want to go 3 for 3. Let's assume this is a pattern, and my fault, so what can I do to fix it?

The numbers depressed the shit out of me.

5 years.

Site after site, stat after stat... As I looked into spousal abuse & abusive relationships... 5 years kept consistently coming up as the magic number for when the majority of battered wives, abused women, etc could date with the expectation of not just jumping straight into another abusive relationship. These things are always bell curves. Early on? A minority of women might get into healthy relationships. As the years went by, the higher that percentage would rise. Until at 5 years out the numbers were no longer stacked against me. Not a few, not some, nor 50/50. But most.

((Stats for men are different. I didn't really pay attention as I'm not a man ;) ))

So I decided to wait 5 years before dating again.

Let me count the ways in which I have hated this... Ugh. Maybe not.

But this thing happened. Each year, I would look back to where I had been in my head, and the drastic change kept me going. Just as an example... During my divorce? All I wanted was to be held. Just to lay in bed with someone, and not cry myself to sleep, and be held.

Whoa. Standards. Dropping... Aisle 3.

Yep. For a solid year the grand total of my requirements for a man I'd be dating? Arms.

I'm sure that guy would have been hard to find! FFS. Idiocy.

Every year since? I have a list out somewhere. It's pretty mortifying for the first 3 years. Year 2 was actually right where you're at... It was aaaaall about "me". Yep. My standards for someone else were all about how I would fit in their life, not even about how they would fit in mine. Last year, on the other hand, actually looked a lot more like me before I started dating assholes. This year? Shrug. We'll see.

Am I saying 'don't date for 5 years'? Nope! Just sharing my own experiences. Everyone was like 'Get back on that horse!' & 'You deserve love' & 'You deserve blah blah blah' & 'Youre such a wonderful blah blah blah'. Well. I have trust issues, and I know myself. So instead of trusting everyone and their brother trying to set me up... I went and looked up the numbers. Wow. Okay. This is gonna suck (I really hate celibacy). But it's something I'm really glad I did.

 

[TXbandit]

Site after site, stat after stat... As I looked into spousal abuse & abusive relationships... 5 years kept consistently coming up as the magic number for when the majority of battered wives, abused women, etc could date with the expectation of not just jumping straight into another abusive relationship. These things are always bell curves. Early on? A minority of women might get into healthy relationships. As the years went by, the higher that percentage would rise. Until at 5 years out the numbers were no longer stacked against me. Not a few, not some, nor 50/50. But most.

5 years huh? It has only been two years since I left the SOB. I still have a suspicion that I am not yet ready for anything close to a committed relationship. Hell NO.

But this thing happened. Each year, I would look back to where I had been in my head, and the drastic change kept me going. Just as an example... During my divorce? All I wanted was to be held. Just to lay in bed with someone, and not cry myself to sleep, and be held.

I had a guy like this for a while during the winter. It was all I needed at the time. I wouldn't mind finding another like that. Of course there were benefits... That's really all I am looking for. Nothing serious with someone to hold me every now and then.

Am I saying 'don't date for 5 years'? Nope! Just sharing my own experiences. Everyone was like 'Get back on that horse!' & 'You deserve love' & 'You deserve blah blah blah' & 'Youre such a wonderful blah blah blah'. Well. I have trust issues, and I know myself. So instead of trusting everyone and their brother trying to set me up... I went and looked up the numbers. Wow. Okay. This is gonna suck (I really hate celibacy). But it's something I'm really glad I did.

I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. We sound very similar in our thinking.
I have a friend that has been begging me to meet this guy, that guy and so and so's cousin. No thanks!! I met one and the sucker was still married. Way to go "friend" lol
I also have trust issues. It makes it rather difficult. Here's to celibacy!!!!!!!!! I may just take more time for myself and stop looking. Thanks again and hope you are feeling better!!

 

[The Albatross]

For me breaking patterns of behavior was scary because it was unfamiliar and because I didn't have any experiences to draw on as to how (in this topic) to attract and maintain the people/partner I wanted.

 

[Chava]

I've slowly been drawn towards better and healthier people as my concept of myself has changed. That's really what I had to work on, and it was a slowly-evolving thing. But then my interest in better guys was not so jarring. My issue is I am stuck at the level of knowing how to help a relationship go anywhere with a good person because I am so avoidant and might still be confused on the level of how to interact with these people or feel like I'm really in the right place (part of this is a challenge of connecting, which is a pattern that is hard for me to change because it was created so super early in life...it's easier to connect with people who don't care much about me, because we aren't really connecting, but to me it feels kind of like a relationship). If you have good friends, it sounds like you might be okay on the level of generally connecting, which is important and a good sign for you.

So I don't have a solution yet, but I wanted to throw that idea out there...keep working on your self, your identity, surround yourself with good friends (like @joeylittle said), involve yourself in activities that feel meaningful to you and help you feel good about yourself. At some point, guys like this don't make sense. They even seem boring.