Relationship Why is he suddenly feeling disrespected?

[Never_falter2]

My wanted to be hold/hugged, was telling me that he is feeling sad and stressed and frightened and I told him that this must be very bad for him and that I am sorry he is going through that. Then he got mad at me, told me I pity him, I disrespect him (like I ALWAYS do. ALWAAAAYS according to him) and that it’s bad for him having no respect in his own house. Brought up this: Relationship - Offended over triffles as an example how disrespectful I am.

Really sometimes I am not sure how he expect me to act/what he expected me to do.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He is lashing out because he is symptomatic and stressed. You know you aren’t being disrespectful. He is projecting because he feels weak.

Really sometimes I am not sure how he expect me to act/what he expected me to do.

If he’s lashing out, anything you say could set him off. That’s because it’s nonsensical to everybody but him. He’s manufacturing the insult to himself because he feels bad. You aren’t doing anything wrong. He’s in a snit because he isn’t managing his stressors (and in his case triggers because he has that germ thing).

Just because he says something does not make it true. You know you aren’t being disrespectful. Don’t let him convince you that you are when it’s not true. You also do not need to engage or defend yourself.

 

[Never_falter2]

It’s good you say this because I wasn’t sure.
He basically compared me to some of our friends how they are far more respectful and less backstabbing and always have his back but that I don’t have his six.
Makes me feel underapreciated....

I mean that doesn’t happen often.

I wonder what they would have done better than me.

 

[Ronin]

His PTSD talking... Not reality. ;)
Possibly with some vet distortions nonsense inserted (ya, ya, battle buddies & equivalent relation are aaalways better than everyone... swear to god we some times need to shut up and let supporters breathe. )

You're not disrespectful...
And 'backstabbing'? Please.
His head is way up his ass on *that* one.

Which isn't your fault. Or yours to fix. :tup:

 

[Sweetpea76]

I wonder what they would have done better than me.

Nothing.

He’s lashing out because you’re safe and the closest target. Nobody else would be as patient with him. Nothing he said was true.

He was just trying to make you feel as bad as he felt. That’s what lashing out is... trying to spread the pain around.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Ronin and @Sweetpea76 thanks so much (((hug))).

All of this sucks a lot. Hard to explain but he is very, very stressed every time he needs to cough... he tries to hide it, but I notice... and i don’t know what to do and just wanted to be nice.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It’s sucky. Being the target is no fun. I think most of us can relate to that when our partners aren’t doing well.

He’s irrationally stressed. He knows he’s tested negative, but he’s wound himself up and is being triggered probably every time he coughs. There’s not going to be much anybody can do for that unless he’s able to get some kind of mental health treatment. As far as you go, sometimes you can’t help at all, and you just got to let him do him.

If he’s going to be stressed you aren’t going to be able to make him *not* stressed. I wouldn’t try to cheer him up or anything. Being sweet and supportive is good, but if he’s getting snarky I wouldn’t offer up any moral support unless he’s asking for it... and he still may bite your head off for it. This is all mental health stuff he needs to work through.

Not that any of this excuses the lashing out, but it happens. Just don’t engage when he gets like that. You don’t have to listen to him say mean things if he’s going on. Just walk away. “I love you, but I don’t want to be yelled at (talked to this way, etc). We can talk later when you’re calm.” It will save a lot of hurt feelings.

 

[Never_falter2]

Actually he was not yelling. Sorry, not sure if mad at me means yelling in English. I just wanted to say he got angry.
He was sort of calm. Long story of what happened: He needed to cough and was visibly stressed. I told him “It’s okay“. He asked me to hold him. First when I hugged him he gave a sob and cuddled into my arms and told me how stressed and frightened he was I told him “It’s okay. That must be so bad for you. I know you are having a tough time and I am so sorry about that“, then he sort of wriggled out from the hug, gave me an annoyed look.
He went to the closet where he has his his alcoholic drinks, asked me if I want some, poured himself a drink, sat down on the sofa, then started telling me I am disrespectful - in a “you know, you are being disrespectful, all my friends are better then you. They never act like this, they would never say something that disrespectful. I went through a lot of stuff and I am being disrespected in my own house, your parents taught you no manners“ kind of way. In a prattling kind of way. He said that like a scientist marveling about an interesting question “Why didn’t you parents teach you any manners?“.
Totally acted like a man who purchased something and then finds out it is broken and learns it is to late to give it back.
Then actually I yelled at him, not the other way around he started grinning as if it proofed his point, said “cheers to you“ raising his glas and acted as somebody who is entertained.

He also was not drunk.

Left me wondering if I should have done something different. I mean I know he was being mean, but I wondered if he was being mean and still has a point and wonder how I should have acted.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It doesn’t have to be yelling. I was just giving an example. He was being mean on purpose to hurt your feelings. That’s lashing out.

Then actually I yelled at him, not the other way around he started grinning as if it proofed his point, said “cheers to you“ raising his glas and acted as somebody who is entertained.

That’s very easy to do when somebody is being mean and you’re trying to defend yourself. You’ll never be able to defend yourself when he’s lashing out because he thinks he right no matter what. He’s decided that everything is your fault and he’s going to make sure you know it. Who knows why they do it? Maybe it makes them feel better to shift blame when they’re feeling so bad? Whatever the reason, it’s a bad coping mechanism. And if you get hurt enough to yell, cry. plead, or try to explain... it’s just like throwing gasoline on a fire. He’ll twist everything you say or do.

Left me wondering if I should have done something different. I mean I know he was being mean, but I wondered if he was being mean and still has a point and wonder how I should have acted.

That’s why it’s best not to engage at all. He is LOOKING for a fight. You basically said something caring and loving while hugging him and he turned that against you. If he can turn loving words against you, he’ll turn *any* words against you. That’s why it’s best to exit the situation when you’re the target of lashing out. “I love you, but I don’t want to be talked to like this. I’ll talk to you when you’re calm.” Then exit the situation.

He doesn’t have a valid point... you love him, take care of him, and do everything he asks. How is that even remotely disrespectful? Don’t let him in your head to convince you of something you know is not true.

You know you’re not disrespectful of him.

 

[Never_falter2]

My guy wrote me a letter this night, but didn’t want to discuss because he said he needed to work.
Basically said he was sorry cause he was mean. He felt sort of - How do you call the opposite of “under amour“ in your language? Plus his stomach hurt. Plus he sort of had to fight back his tears. That’s why he was being mean.
But he felt disrespected because he felt like I was saying “there, there, poor little thingy“ and that this is hurtful for a man.

Basically doesn’t want to discuss it with me now, maybe later.

 

[Sweetpea76]

But he felt disrespected because he felt like I was saying “there, there, poor little thingy“ and that this is hurtful for a man.

But yet he comes to you for comfort?

You didn’t do anything wrong, you were comforting him. Don’t feel bad for that. That’s what he asked for and that’s what you gave him.

He is feeling weak. You aren’t *making* him feel weak with anything you’re saying or doing. He is doing that all to himself.

You know what triggers that reaction out of him now though... maybe avoid saying anything when comforting him. Just hugs? Especially if he’s going to get an attitude about it. I have certain things I don’t say around my vet either... not because they’re wrong for me to say. Rather because he’s a shit if I say them. That’s not my fault, it’s his, but I’m empathetic to that. Does that make sense?

 

[Never_falter2]

May I ask you which the things you don’t say around your vet are?