Relationship Why is he suddenly feeling disrespected?

[Sweetpea76]

Off the top of my head... Nothing about medication. Nothing about his physical health (PT, surgeries that he’s supposed to have but won’t get, pain management). My ex husband. Gun control.

I’m sure there are more, they’re just slipping my mind because they’re kind of engrained. They’re battles I’ve picked. He knows what I think, I don’t have to bring it up again if it’s just going to get his shorts in a wad.

 

[Never_falter2]

Thanks for sharing @Sweetpea76 - so what does he do if you mention this? A bit similar with mine. I think I told you he is a bit hard of hearing and he totally doesn’t like anybody to notice/me to mention it in front of others. Why not? God only knows. But one of the easiest ways to really piss him off is to mention it in front of others... err and now I mentioned it in front of you but since you do not know him and since I have mentioned it before and even linked to a thread that mentions it.

I have got a question @Friday @Freida and @Ronin. Are there topics that your spouse should rather not mention?

 

[Sweetpea76]

He gets defensive and angry... even if it’s nothing to get angry about. For whatever reason it sets him off.

Some of these things are not related to his trauma at all, but if he’s not in a good spot he’ll go from 0 to 60 in no time flat. He’s not regulating his emotions, and that’s his fault, not mine.

Everybody has stuff that irritates them that they don’t want to talk about. The irritation reaction is on steroids when somebody is symptomatic.

 

[Friday]

How do you call the opposite of “under amour“ in your language?

Exposed.

Also unprotected, vulnerable, weak, unprepared... and English doesn’t have the same degree of stupidity & derision/scorn (disrespect) attached to “failure to plan” that German does... but also that. There’s fault, regret, fear, rage, shame, and very real pain in feeling exposed. In addition to weak, vulnerable, unprepared/failure to plan.

Exposed is the terror of everyone I’ve ever known in the military. It’s to be feared more than death. Because it’s not just your death, but the deaths of all your men, the threat of losing the battle, losing the war, failing your country, your oaths, your family. It’s very very personal, as well as far reaching. // It’s ALSO the constant/absolute goal when fighting... find or create a weakness, to expose a vulnerability... and use that to crush them. There are times when you can choose to be exposed (we’ll be exposed, but we can use that, draw them away in this direction whilst you go that way and circle around behind), but it’s always a risk. So if you’re choosing to be exposed? It has to be worth the risk. Not entered into lightly, or carelessly.

Outside of the military you’re far more likely to hear someone say that they “feel naked”, rather than “feel exposed”. Feeling naked is more associated with humiliation & shame & embarrassment. Feeling exposed is more associated with death & violence (or the threat of death/violence,). Being without your armor/protection, rather than being without your clothes.

In general, It’s a more serious word, with bigger consequences. Not always bad ones. Someone seducing their husband might coyly expose their shoulder, breasts, whatever :sneaky: so it can be a good word, too! But it’s always a serious word.


- The army left their flank exposed, and the enemy surged in taking advantage of the weakness, wiping them out.
- The deer left the cover of the woods, exposing itself to the hunters shot.
- The murderer was exposed by his DNA left af the scene.
- The pedophile exposed himself (penis) to the school children.
- When the Cheyrnoble nuclear reactor failed, everyone for miles was exposed to radiation.
- When his courage failed him, his cowardice was exposed.
- When the patient bled on her, the doctor was exposed to the virus.
- The cliff face was exposed to the elements.
- Criterion A) Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:

I have got a question @Friday @Freida and @Ronin. Are there topics that your spouse should rather not mention?

Topics? No. But TIME & PLACE are important!

 

[Sweetpea76]

But TIME & PLACE are important

Oh yeah. There are definitely topics that are NOT public... and there is definitely a wrong time to discuss things. Like when he’s tweaked and looking out the window, or if he’s under the hood of his vehicle cussing.

 

[Ronin]

@Never_falter2 Nope :)

As in I view relationships - all of them, but especially familial & romantic ones - as about trust... And if either of us can't be honest about everything in the world it signals to me the trust is not working.

But yep, time & place & how we're talking about things & who else is involved and how matters heckuva lot.

A.k.a some topics we don't treat lightly, even if we mention them so - and it helps damnedest if my dears get the difference, between how is what presented and how it is.

But not to the exclusion of topics or taboos.

 

[Never_falter2]

Thanks everybody.
@Sweetpea76 Thats different with mine then. Mine likes discussing stressful topics better if he is looking out of the window or under the hood of a vehicle.

@Friday Can you give an example of time and place being important?

So breast and penis are exposed when they are without clothes but the rest of the body is naked?

So my vet is feeling psychologically exposed as well as exposed to the coronavirus (and the bad thing here: he did not choose to expose himself but is nearly wholly dependent on others some of whom are covidiots. This is stupid for both of us. However I think that both the risk of catching it and of getting seriously ill are relatively small to medium while he thinks they are high).
Vet is also afraid to expose us to the virus but he knows his fear is not real or he wouldn’t have asked me to hug him.
He currently doesn’t leave to house/garden a lot, only to go jogging late at night when he doesn’t meetither people. He caught a cough nevertheless. It’s scary for him - like: there must have been something he has been doing wrong but he doesn’t know what it is. He postponed going out jogging for a few days but actually he needs that for his wellbeing and I hope he takes it up again soon.

His Covid-risk while not mega high is a bit higher then usual (because he is a bit pudgy, because he is male, because his blood shows he might develop diabetes, because he has got hypertonia). It’s a bit scary - for me too but we have to learn to live with that.

He is still very stressed and I notice he is a bit freaking out when he needs to cough. What do you suggest me to do?

@Ronin That’s cute (relationships about trust). I like your opinion.
Can you give me an example of time and place mattering?

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Sweetpea76 Thats different with mine then. Mine likes discussing stressful topics better if he is looking out of the window or under the hood of a vehicle.

I could understand how your husband would rather have a distraction while talking about something stressful. That wasn’t how I meant that though. Those actions are high stress for my vet because they're wrapped up in his trauma. If my vet is looking out the window he’s scanning the yard for movement because he heard something. If he’s under the hood he’s stressing about PMCS because unreliable vehicles get you killed.

If I tried to talk to him about something he finds stressful while he’s already doing something that has him stressed out I may as well try snuggling a honey badger.

In other words, the time and place are *not* where and/or when he is already stressed.

 

[Never_falter2]

Okay. I see. My vet actual likes standing behind the day curtain watching what’s going on outside - like “?, I can see you but you cannot see me“ and he also likes repairing/improving/washing/hoovering the car but then - I know what you mean - for example I would make no sense discussing with him while he has to touch something germ ridden...

and maybe... we’ll maybe also makes no sense to discuss with him while he has a cough not sure, actually didn’t even want to discuss with him but just give him comfort you know....

You, know that reminds me of something that happened years ago when Vet had to replace a tire (while we were traveling) and acted totally stumped - like a person who has no idea how to replace a tire as well as nervous and then I ended up replacing the tire while vet sat there smoking and trying to calm his nerves.
Later on I told my relatives that I replaced it (cause we were traveling to visit relatives of mine) - who made fun of my vet and it left him redfaced but he didn’t say a thing.
Later on he told me: “Of course I know how to replace a tire. I just blanked out“.

He also likes driving with other much better then driving alone. So when we are driving with several cars he always make sure we stay close together and stop at the same roadhouse so one cold help the other out if one should have car trouble.

But generally he likes repairing the car - actually even repairs it if it isn’t even broken - hobby a lot of men in my country have - but we are a car country not sure if others get that. Average male in my country spends half his life repairing/improving/washing/hoovering his car... Vet too, he is quite car-proud in the way a homemaker is house-proud and back to topic, my vet actually likes discussing things while washing/repairing his car.

 

[Ronin]

^^
That.

Plus if I'm sorting emergency of other sort? It's fine to try to talk. But for God's love keep it short and topical. Not distracting.

I could sum it up as Act like a team mate or f*ck off ;), but that probably won't translate - as implies hostility to the partner that I *don't* mean, and is more about protecting both of us just in hyperfocus / high stress / high speed needed times.

Tldr if busy not getting us killed - and doesn't matter if that is actual or just in my head, wrong read on present or reliving the past, to my brain it's the same *at that moment* - I need cooperation & not messing with action plan unless it can be improved on go.

All else, how is who feeling, who feeds the kids and the dog, what's the price of eggs in China and the weather next week, grandmas with wormed up plants in the garden, color of curtains in the bedroom or any other topic that'd be greeat to discuss...

Will be great. Long after.
Not the moment, not the day, often not even the morning after.

Give me half a week or a week and we'll talk about aall that, dear, love and cuddles.

Before then? Nope. Cranky cat in the best case. Seeriously pissed off otherwise... because it makes it this much harder *to protect.*

 

[Never_falter2]

Hey. I hope you all have a great 4th if July (and I hope the ones who hate it have at least an okay 4th of July).

@Ronin Can yo explain “act like a team mate“, what would a team mate do different than me. For example: somebody got infected with the coronavirus/fears he got infected with the coronavirus.
Okay, in a zombie movie they would shoot off his head cause he isn‘t saveable anyway. In reality I am not sure if there is anything one can do... apart from the obvious things like making sure the person gets the best medical care - but in his case: he doesn’t have the coronavirus (though I am dead sure he feels like he has the coronavirus... and Ebola in addition, coinfection with the bubonic plague cannot be ruled out).

As for keeping us/people safe: My vet was one of the first to notice what was going on in China and warning people of the coronavirus and telling them to prep for a lockdown (which more or less failed, they didn’t believe a word he said, he fell silent and thought maybe it was just a crazy idea).
We are preppers and added to our stocks because of the coronavirus. On the one hand it was successful. We really have nearly anything we need (apart from enough high quality masks for children - because we didn’t think our kids would have to leave the house during a pandemic).
On the other hand: we realized that while this was important in the first phase of the pandemic it doesn’t play much of a role now - because if we are safe mostly depends on other people.
If one of us needs to go to the gp - it will wholly depend on the other people there if we catch corona.
After the summer holidays all German states will start “full schooling“ again. That means without mask (which are mandatory elsewhere), without mandatory distance. So that it wholly depends on the other families, where they went for vacation and so on. There have been infections in the schools before (when class size was reduced, distance was mandatory). So I really do not think it is a good idea. We basically see that it doesn’t work with precautionary measures so we just decide to do away with the precautionary measures. Yes, makes sense.

We cannot really plan... and I don’t like it too... and he hates it.

 

[mumstheword]

Well rest assured. Even CNN is reporting the efficacy of hydrochloroquine, now, if taken in a timely fashion. As long as the medical treatment is good, people that aren't on death's door, coz, they are really old or have serious underlining health issues, and would be dying from the normal flu, anyway, are going to recover very well or not get very sick or sick at all, with the CORONA. Even the old and vulnerable can be treated with hydrochloroquine to get rid of the virus.