Why Is Impossible To Help Some People?

[J_trustno1]

Here is the problem:

My mum is almost 51, has shoulder and back problems. Therefore she cannot do work that involves movement or lifting things. She has been working for this packing company for 3 months where they chop and pack fruit and veges, for 8-9 hrs a day, Sometimes she has to clean a lot there. All that standing up and movement is destroying her body everyday but she just isn't giving up that job. I pay board and take care of my expenses from my previous savings and the work i have done last month. So i am not dependent on her and neither is my brother!

However, I keep trying to tell her that she NEEDS to stop working there because her health is deteriorating day by day. She always had problem with her shoulders and there is a possibility of arthritis. She took almost all the medicines prescribed by the family doctor but none of them worked on her. Three years ago, her entire body was swelling and she was admitted to the hospital, the doctors told her not to do heavy lifting or things that involve movement BUT THIS WOMAN DOES NOT listen to anyone!!!! All she's worried about is the house mortgage she has. I don't know what the HELL she is trying to prove!!!

Every day I sleep in a worry about her bloody health. I keep telling her to quit that damn job but it seems that my words have no bloody value.I don't want her suffering or becoming ill forever. She is now referred to the specialist (her appointment is there tomorrow) SO I have decided to go with her and ask the specialist to give the NOTE that she CANNOT work!! But mother doesn't listen to me or my brother! It's like she has her own f*ckED up mind!!

She is like 20 kgs overweight. So I told her that some mild-moderate exercise will help her with her health and GUESS What she said, "I'll think about it!!!" She doesn't give a damn about her health or herself.

Okay, am I a fool or an idiot who is just barking and things are just going above her head??


Please help! I'm really worried about her health :(. If my future kids told me to take care of my health and reduce my work, I'd actually follow their advice. But it seems that mine or my brothers words have NO VALUE!!! :mad:!

 

[Friday]

Part of it is the age difference.

I'm in my 30's, and while 3 months still meant something in my 20s it means squat now. I can do 3 months standing on my head. I'm literally planning things by years at this point. And whole years pass barely blinking. I can only imagine how little time 3 months will mean once I'm in my 50s. But, as a general idea, my friends in their 60s plan in 5-10 year chunks like I do in 1-3 year parcels.

Also...from and older/broken point of view, you're telling her to do 2 opposite things: stop doing her mild to moderately physical active job, and start doing mild to moderate physically active exercise. There is a difference, but again, even at my age... Everything hurts. And everything is connected. (It's not like when I was younger and could work out my lower body while resting an upper body injury... I have to have total rest, now, or just deal with the pain and get the workout. And my chronic stuff? Forget about it. I'd never exercise again if I didn't ignore my chronic stuff as much as possible and push through. In a doctor supervised getting-older-is-a-bitch way, not a self harm way.) I would rather work a physical job that might have a little more scope and duration than I'd like, and get paid to be in pain, than to suffer the same pain with less follow through, for free.

<grin> Meant with great big caring kindness (I would say hugs, but I know some people are touchy about hugs)... Your mother does have her own mind.

 

[digger]

I think going with her to her appointment, if she wants you to, is a good step. Instead of telling her that she should stop working though, I wonder if you've asked her why she wants to carry on working?

It's not always just about money and paying the bills. Work could be important to her for more reasons than that. Perhaps she is scared of giving up that part of her identity or her independence. Perhaps she doesn't want to face the idea that her health is failing. Perhaps she feels her job is important to her for social contact.

I understand that you're concerned about her, but I would aim for trying to understand her view as a starting point rather than trying to force her to see yours.

 

[J_trustno1]

@digger : She has told me that how will she pay her bills if she doesn't work? She told me that she doesn't want to depend on her relatives who abused us for the last 14. Plus my father is good for nothing. He has never helped her financially instead made fun of her being illiterate! He was an abuser to her and us. She just doesn't want to depend on anyone. But I am worried about her health :(. I don't want to lose her :(. She asked me the other day if I want to go with her to the Specialist so I have agreed because I also want to know about her health. It's stressing me out :(. I keep thinking what if she becomes more sick and ill :(

 

[digger]

Perhaps rather than trying to talk her into giving up work, you could switch your focus to helping her find something less physically demanding? I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns, but I can also see reasons why she wouldn't want to quit work too.

 

[J_trustno1]

@digger : yes. She wanted to get into being security guard position, so me and my brother helped her with her assignment last month which she passed. Now she has a certificate for that. That work doesn't involve her lifting or moving things, it's basically observing so she is planning to go there. I just want her to be healthy not sick, I don't want to lose the person I love so much. Her health worries me. I am only fond of her in my life, i share everything with her. There are only two people in this world I care about and they are my mother and my brother, I don't give a shit about my father (abuser) or relatives (assholes and abusers)!

 

[digger]

Okay, so compare now your last post in this thread with your first one. It sounds like she has listened, and between you, you came up with a plan and a possible solution. She has taken steps towards getting a less physically demanding job. That doesn't sound like she is planning to stick with the job she has.

Perhaps between you, you will be able to come up with something equally proactive for exercise. Starting exercise can be daunting when it's something that you haven't really done before. Perhaps you could encourage her to ask her specialist about what sort of exercise they would recommend at her upcoming appointment, and take it from there.

 

[J_trustno1]

I think I was panicking before. I get very overwhelmed and worried about everything. I was feeling that she's going to get more sick. I get like that when i think too much and fixate things. Yes, it is one of my problems to catastrophize things :( but took seroquel to calm down my thoughts and I am a lot calmer. Anxiety sucks big time :(

 

[digger]

Anxiety sucks big time :(

It sure does. I can spiral into that whole catastrophic overwhelm thing pretty quickly too. Recognising it for what it is is good though.

 

[J_trustno1]

Yeah, I have been told by my T that i have anxiety and major depression. So I am mostly sad and pessimistic about things, I hate this :(

 

[greenleaf]

I'm glad you both have some positive plans, though, and I'll be hoping for her to find a good, lower-activity job! Sometimes it's easier to do healthy exercise when someone offers to do it with you; if you are able, perhaps you could do that together once she is out of this tough job.

 

[J_trustno1]

@greenleaf : Thanks for the positive reply. Yes, I have offered her help with exercise and told her if she's willing to start yoga with me BUT she always tells me off n finds excuses NOT to exercise :(