Why Is Impossible To Help Some People?

[scout86]

She has told me that how will she pay her bills if she doesn't work?

You probably answered your own question there.

I don't know your mom, or her situation, or the employment situation in your country, but here's a thought. She probably already KNOWS that she'd be better off not working where she's working. Telling her to quit her job may not actually be "helpful" at all. It actually might add to her stress level. (Kind of like if someone told you to just "snap out of" your PTSD symptoms.) What she may need help with more is finding a different answer to "how will she pay the bills".

Now, about the "age thing". I'm a few years older than your mom. 51 doesn't seem all that old from here. Not so old that I'd be happy about people telling me I'm over the hill and ought to retire, even if they were well intentioned. Actually, now that I think about it, the older I get the less I'd probably like to hear that! An unspoken concern, for your mom, might be "What's going to happen when she's too old to work?" Here, where I live, the reality is I'll have to work till I die. An aspect of that is that I have to figure out a way to do that. I may not be able to shoe horses when I'm 90 & I've somehow managed to get to be older than I ever expected....... Anyway, maybe, at some point, the 2 of you could just sit down and talk about life, and her situation, and how you each see things, for now and for the future.

 

[littlelostchild]

I can tell how much you love your mother and that you are working hard to help her find a new job and be more healthy. It is so hard to see the ones we love in difficult situations that we would not want them to be in.

I agree with digger that working together is the way to go. We can't "make" others do what we think is best for them, but we can listen to how they are feeling and help them find a way that will suit their needs - which is what you did with your mom and the security guard certificate. :)

As a mom about her age, I suspect it must be a real worry for her to keep her job if she has a mortgage to pay with no spousal income. She has to look after herself and you kids ( I know you are grown and paying your way, but she is still your mom). Then she will have to look after herself when the two of you are gone and if English is her second language, that can make things even more scary.

I know it is frustrating for you, but it is probably a worry for her. I am so glad you are being compassionate with your mum.

 

[Hashi]

All she's worried about is the house mortgage she has. I don't know what the HELL she is trying to prove!!!

Maybe she doesn't want to be homeless or destitute. Just a thought.

Do you live with her? Maybe she's worried about where you'll live too.

I do sympathise with what you're saying. You're worried about her. By the same token, she's probably worried about her home, her future, and she might be worried about you and/or her other children if she has any. I wonder if you need to take a wider view of this. "Just give up your job" isn't usually an option if you have financial responsibilities. It's more complicated than that.

 

[J_trustno1]

The specialist told her today NOT to do heavy lifting or things that involve using muscle because her muscles have been warn out. Therefore She is told NOT to work or else she will get worse. Lets hope she listens to the specialist because I can't convince her anymore :(

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think she has to use some muscle or wont she end with a whole other list of issues (being overweight or unable to walk)?

 

[J_trustno1]

She can't lift things. As long as she doesn't use her shoulders, she'll be fine. She can do work that involves walking around but NO lifting.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

What about hiring a helper for her?

 

[greenleaf]

She can't lift things. As long as she doesn't use her shoulders, she'll be fine. She can do work that involves walking around but NO lifting.

Shoulders are very tricky joints, I hope she listens! There are jobs that don't involve lifting... better to have at least partly working shoulders than to really mess them up.

I agree that she's not old though! As a 50-yr-old. :-) I read that we women can have more joint troubles right around this age, too. Our bodies aren't used to the different hormone levels yet so best to be gentle with herself for that reason too. The change-related joint issues don't last forever though if you injure yourself I imagine they could. My wrists, shoulders, and various other joints have each yelled at me this last year, then they'd quiet down. (Though some neck stuff is ptsd muscle tension for me too.)

She needs to think long-term re. what's going to keep her healthy for another 30+ years (one hopes) -- though I know you know that already. Hang in there!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think your mom is worried about her future right now and I think you need to respect that no matter how hard that is for you right now. I wish you the best in this diffilcult situationl

 

[anthony]

If my future kids told me to take care of my health and reduce my work, I'd actually follow their advice.

Argh... see, that is such an easy thing to say now, but then... IF that came about, maybe not so easy. You said your mother has a mortgage, well there is her reason to work. Unless you kids are covering the mortgage, then you wouldn't have a roof over your heads, and certainly not one to be owned and give you some help in life.

You can't understand things parents do until you're a parent yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think its sort of a pat response to say that someone won't understand the decisions parents make until they themselves are parents. I realize I have had this very sentiment used against me in order to make me seem like a selfish, hateful person, and as such it hits a nerve. However, I don't think it is always necessary to BE something in order to understand exactly why the aforementioned DOES something. I think that maybe you could try to put yourself in your mothers shoes to see why she does what she does. Her health is important, but for some reason she sees it as important to keep her job. Can you try to understand these reasons?