Don't trip
Silver Member
I haven't been to the forum in a long time. It looks so different I nearly missed it on the Google Search!
Anyway, . . .I've just recently been coming to terms with the impact PTSD has had on my life. It was easier to blame my chronic illnesses, and to 'toot my horn' about that because it was socially acceptable. Mental health is not. I have so many things to share that confuse me. So many questions to ask.
Everywhere I read about PTSD, says not to isolate. This really upsets me. I'm an introvert by nature, but in relation to my PTSD, particularly this last year, I've felt more emotionally stable and peaceful writing my blog, mentoring survivors by email and phone, and staying HOME. I do get out to grocery shop and to doctor/therapy appointments. In the last year, chronic sciatica has prevented my mile long walks in nature with my dog, but I still go out to my backyard and commune with nature there, my garden, trees and flowers around me. . .
I'm a survivor of chronic childhood sexual abuse and a rape, more sexual abuse in adulthood by psychopathic abusers. I am abuse free now for nearly three years. I filed for disability but have been denied two times and my hearing apparently won't be heard for at least another year. The stress of no income and relying upon family to help me has been nearly unbearable. I've been looking for work as a writer, but nothing has come up for me yet, while also trying to start a business from my blog and my mentoring work.
There are some very, very frustrating things about my PTSD that have me feeling very depressed right now. No matter in what way I've tried to do it, I cannot work outside my home. My reactions to criticism and perceived abuse are spontaneous. The hyper vigilance and terror I feel, are related to having lived chronic exploitation. I have a morbid and unrelenting fear of authority figures. I can't be around people for long periods of time. I love my children and grandchildren, but I can only tolerate visits for so long before I begin to feel exhausted.
I've denied the impact of PTSD on my life so much, that now, in understanding how profoundly it has affected my entire life from an early age, no one believes me, except those closest to me who understand my reactions and stress. This is my doing. I'm of reasonable intelligence and have been able to convince others that don't know me, even my therapist, that it's 'not as bad' as it truly is for me. I realized I didn't want the stigma and I've worked hard to get out of victim mode.
So much of what I struggle with, is considered 'wrong'. Isolation is one of them. "Don't let yourself become isolated!", "If you isolate, it makes it worse!" , "You need to get out and be around people!" Um, no, I don't, because it aggravates it. I'm extremely sensitive to noise, chatter, and crowds. I've experienced so much physical and emotional violence that living a simple, quiet and peaceful life, has brought me great comfort and feels incredibly SAFE. My whole world is about safety. I love being alone. It rejuvenates me and I'm much more productive with my writing and mentoring when I feel stable.
I've learned that my PTSD is made worse in feeling shamed about it. It's worse when I feel pushed to do more than I'm able to do. The person I was before I came to awareness about my abuse history and how PTSD played a part in my poor choices in my life, meant I was 'pretending' to be everything I was not: outgoing, extraverted, doing things I felt others wanted me to do and holding onto the societal expectations (as well as what was expected in my successful pathological family), of what it meant to be successful: money, image and wealth.
I put myself in situations in purposely exposing myself to triggers in working to overcome them and it had the opposite affect on me. It made things WORSE, much, much worse.
I don't feel 'allowed' to accept what I now recognize are my limitations. I know some people are able to 'get back out there' and enjoy their lives again. That's them. It's not me. When I feel that there is room to accept my PTSD and the limitations it creates, I feel AT PEACE. Isn't that interesting? It's the external noise about what I should or should not do about it, trying to do what I know that I can't, subsequently leading me to serious decompensation that has me in trouble. I then feel humiliated, embarrassed and it furthers my shame.
Somehow I don't think that shaming survivors with PTSD about what they can't do, is the answer. I'm learning that accepting my limitations allows me to see what I can do and what I have to work with.
I'm curious as to whether or not others here recognize their limitations, including isolation, as a positive thing, that keeps you stable?
Thanks for reading.
Anyway, . . .I've just recently been coming to terms with the impact PTSD has had on my life. It was easier to blame my chronic illnesses, and to 'toot my horn' about that because it was socially acceptable. Mental health is not. I have so many things to share that confuse me. So many questions to ask.
Everywhere I read about PTSD, says not to isolate. This really upsets me. I'm an introvert by nature, but in relation to my PTSD, particularly this last year, I've felt more emotionally stable and peaceful writing my blog, mentoring survivors by email and phone, and staying HOME. I do get out to grocery shop and to doctor/therapy appointments. In the last year, chronic sciatica has prevented my mile long walks in nature with my dog, but I still go out to my backyard and commune with nature there, my garden, trees and flowers around me. . .
I'm a survivor of chronic childhood sexual abuse and a rape, more sexual abuse in adulthood by psychopathic abusers. I am abuse free now for nearly three years. I filed for disability but have been denied two times and my hearing apparently won't be heard for at least another year. The stress of no income and relying upon family to help me has been nearly unbearable. I've been looking for work as a writer, but nothing has come up for me yet, while also trying to start a business from my blog and my mentoring work.
There are some very, very frustrating things about my PTSD that have me feeling very depressed right now. No matter in what way I've tried to do it, I cannot work outside my home. My reactions to criticism and perceived abuse are spontaneous. The hyper vigilance and terror I feel, are related to having lived chronic exploitation. I have a morbid and unrelenting fear of authority figures. I can't be around people for long periods of time. I love my children and grandchildren, but I can only tolerate visits for so long before I begin to feel exhausted.
I've denied the impact of PTSD on my life so much, that now, in understanding how profoundly it has affected my entire life from an early age, no one believes me, except those closest to me who understand my reactions and stress. This is my doing. I'm of reasonable intelligence and have been able to convince others that don't know me, even my therapist, that it's 'not as bad' as it truly is for me. I realized I didn't want the stigma and I've worked hard to get out of victim mode.
So much of what I struggle with, is considered 'wrong'. Isolation is one of them. "Don't let yourself become isolated!", "If you isolate, it makes it worse!" , "You need to get out and be around people!" Um, no, I don't, because it aggravates it. I'm extremely sensitive to noise, chatter, and crowds. I've experienced so much physical and emotional violence that living a simple, quiet and peaceful life, has brought me great comfort and feels incredibly SAFE. My whole world is about safety. I love being alone. It rejuvenates me and I'm much more productive with my writing and mentoring when I feel stable.
I've learned that my PTSD is made worse in feeling shamed about it. It's worse when I feel pushed to do more than I'm able to do. The person I was before I came to awareness about my abuse history and how PTSD played a part in my poor choices in my life, meant I was 'pretending' to be everything I was not: outgoing, extraverted, doing things I felt others wanted me to do and holding onto the societal expectations (as well as what was expected in my successful pathological family), of what it meant to be successful: money, image and wealth.
I put myself in situations in purposely exposing myself to triggers in working to overcome them and it had the opposite affect on me. It made things WORSE, much, much worse.
I don't feel 'allowed' to accept what I now recognize are my limitations. I know some people are able to 'get back out there' and enjoy their lives again. That's them. It's not me. When I feel that there is room to accept my PTSD and the limitations it creates, I feel AT PEACE. Isn't that interesting? It's the external noise about what I should or should not do about it, trying to do what I know that I can't, subsequently leading me to serious decompensation that has me in trouble. I then feel humiliated, embarrassed and it furthers my shame.
Somehow I don't think that shaming survivors with PTSD about what they can't do, is the answer. I'm learning that accepting my limitations allows me to see what I can do and what I have to work with.
I'm curious as to whether or not others here recognize their limitations, including isolation, as a positive thing, that keeps you stable?
Thanks for reading.
