Why is relationship so scary for some sufferers?

[Butterfly64]

Because of the expectation that my ability to connect with them would be the same ways that other people would be able to.

And the pressure to change into the person that they think i should be in the relationship. And how shitty it makes me feel when I can't reach their impossible expectations... (even though they think they're being completely reasonable)

Not worth it.

Thanks for sharing. May I ask what expectations you are referring to? My guy says exactly the same, and when I ask him...what expectations...he says e.g. that if he wants to go on a holiday with his brothers or some other guys, and I get disappointed then he will feel guilty. I have told him over and over again that I would never get disappointed, I don’t expect us to be together 24/7, that since having lived with my ex husband for 17 years and another husband for 13 years before that, I enjoy living alone with my son and my two dogs. So please enlighten me, if you can...what expectations are you referring to?? And why would anybody want to change you into the person, they think you should be....they fell in love with who you are, why would they want to change you

 

[blackemerald1]

And why would anybody want to change you into the person, they think you should be....they fell in love with who you are, why would they want to change you

^that's a really good question and I bet it's been asked a million, squillion times by frustrated partners when their seemingly cute, idiosyncratic personalities stop being so and there is a show down about just that.

It seems one can say that and really even mean it but there are always adjustments to be made, habits to be ditched, new skills to be learned to sustain a relationship. In fact it's probably essential that there are all of those types of adjustments and more.

I suppose the point then is, does one make those adjustments to help make the relationship work or does one decide beforehand that they are not willing to make those adjustments and therefore opt not to participate in the relationship at that level.

 

[Butterfly64]

^that's a really good question and I bet it's been asked a million, squillion times by frustrated partners when their seemingly cute, idiosyncratic personalities stop being so and there is a show down about just that.

It seems one can say that and really even mean it but there are always adjustments to be made, habits to be ditched, new skills to be learned to sustain a relationship. In fact it's probably essential that there are all of those types of adjustments and more.

I suppose the point then is, does one make those adjustments to help make the relationship work or does one decide beforehand that they are not willing to make those adjustments and therefore opt not to participate in the relationship at that level.

I guess that equals the saying that all women want to change their man ? sorry no offense intended ? The thing is, I have known this guy for six years (the first four as a friend) and there is no way I am ever going to move in with a man again, so I have no ambition or desire to change who he is....I like him how he is. My exhusband tried to put me in a box “this is my extremely well educated, pretty wife” box. He loved to go shopping with me for clothes, but when I did not like the clothes he suggested, which I rarely did, because I know what colors suit me and which do not AND he would choose dresses that were expensive and not my color or style, he would behave like a little, offended kid ??

The point is that I like my guy and why would I want to change him...sure he looks more sexy when he doesn’t cut his hair down to a minimum, but when he asks me if I prefer his hair a bit longer or almost bald, I tell him that he looks hotter with hair, but he should do whatever he prefers, because I thing he is hot no matter what. Same goes for his clothes....he is not the shirt and tie type....so what...I don’t care...he is extremely sexy no matter what he wears. I like who he is....I like the fact (and so does he) that we knew each other really well before we fell in love....there weren’t any surprises like when people meet, fall in love and don’t really know each other until they are involved and go “oooups...so that is what he/she is really like”. But you are right of course...there will alway be compromises....especially when you live together.

 

[blackemerald1]

I guess that equals the saying that all women want to change their man

^No, not saying that at all. Actually, the concept of finding out your partner/husband/gf/bf/ex (too) .... has/had annoying habits or tendencies or (whatever behavioural) things.... you/they no longer like about them/us crosses all divides/relationships and yes... genders! lol But it's not just annoying things... there are heaps of issues when partners must meet in the middle. Afterall, a relationshp is a unifying of two people, seperate and living individually into possibly a union and living together.

edited to add: I'm not personally offended but yeah it's kind of judgy to say "all women".... etc... plenty of blokes do it too.. Just ask a husband what their expectations regarding sex/intimacy are after childbirth and see who wants to change what? There are so many shifts needed and expected in a relationship as it evolves. So.. it's unrealistic to even think that there are no expectations for adjustments and change.

 

[Innordinate]

And why would anybody want to change you into the person, they think you should be....they fell in love with who you are, why would they want to change you

Not sure, you tell me....

times, but I said no...not without intimacy. Each time he said, he can’t do that. It hurt to leave him, but I was slowly feeling better even though we saw each other for coffe a few times since I called it off. Last week I once again said no to him...not without intimacy.

Why do you give him ultimatums and pressure him to be someone he's not, and do something he's not ready to do?

 

[Butterfly64]

^No, not saying that at all. Actually, the concept of finding out your partner/husband/gf/bf/ex (too) .... has/had annoying habits or tendencies or (whatever behavioural) things.... you/they no longer like about them/us crosses all divides/relationships and yes... genders! lol But it's not just annoying things... there are heaps of issues when partners must meet in the middle. Afterall, a relationshp is a unifying of two people, seperate and living individually into possibly a union and living together.

edited to add: I'm not personally offended but yeah it's kind of judgy to say "all women".... etc... plenty of blokes do it too.. Just ask a husband what their expectations regarding sex/intimacy are after childbirth and see who wants to change what? There are so many shifts needed and expected in a relationship as it evolves. So.. it's unrealistic to even think that there are no expectations for adjustments and change.

I get sooooo tired when men say that all women want to change their man....it so gender stereotyped. Also when some men say that all men would be unfaithful if they were given the chance and their wife wouldn’t find out....seriously! My two ex husbands would never, ever do that

Not sure, you tell me....



Why do you give him ultimatums and pressure him to be someone he's not, and do something he's not ready to do?

I understand how that may seem like an ultimatum and he sees it as that, but this is me saying that I cannot continue to long for intimacy. Intimacy is a basic human need. This is me setting my boundaries. If he can’t do intimacy then I understand and accept. That doesn’t mean I will stop loving him, I just love my self more.

 

[Survivor3]

I haven't been in a relationship for 16 years. I desperately wanted to meet someone or just have 'casual' relationships but my life was shit. Doped up on medication and isolated. I find it scary now of the prospect of meeting someone. My heads a mess from too many bad situations. I wonder and understand that it would be difficult for someone to take me on. I'm not the same person I used to be.

 

[Butterfly64]

I haven't been in a relationship for 16 years. I desperately wanted to meet someone or just have 'casual' relationships but my life was shit. Doped up on medication and isolated. I find it scary now of the prospect of meeting someone. My heads a mess from too many bad situations. I wonder and understand that it would be difficult for someone to take me on. I'm not the same person I used to be.

Sorry to hear that?

 

[Justmehere]

A few of the many reasons by sufferers don’t become closer to others:

1.) PTSD is exhausting. Sometimes there is just nothing left.
2.) Depression and avoidance are symptoms in and of themselves.
3.) When someone gets hurt by humans so many times classical conditioning kicks in and one begins to associate humans with some level of danger.
4.) Time spent enduring trauma wasn’t spent developing relationship skills.
5.) Sufferers are also ordinary people.

Sometimes they simply want what they want, because that’s just part their style. Like you, and the style and color of dress that you wanted and fit you. Trying to put on dresses that were not your style and color was uncomfortable. Your ex maybe wanted to show you love through expensive gifts. His childish frustration because you wouldn’t accept them shows it was probably about more than a piece of fabric but that maybe he felt rejected because he was trying to have you both relate how he wanted...it was in a way that changed your style. But it wasn’t your thing. It wasn’t the right fit for you. You just didn’t do it.

He’s been so clear for years the style of relationship that fits him. You’ve been clear you reasonably and legitimately need a different style of relationship. He can keep talking about eventually putting on a style of relationship that is not his style of relating.... but is that really want you want?

Part of me hopes he is finally ready...another part hopes he isn’t

Can you explain more about this?

 

[Butterfly64]

A few of the many reasons by sufferers don’t become closer to others:

1.) PTSD is exhausting. Sometimes there is just nothing left.
2.) Depression and avoidance are symptoms in and of themselves.
3.) When someone gets hurt by humans so many times classical conditioning kicks in and one begins to associate humans with some level of danger.
4.) Time spent enduring trauma wasn’t spent developing relationship skills.
5.) Sufferers are also ordinary people.

Sometimes they simply want what they want, because that’s just part their style. Like you, and the style and color of dress that you wanted and fit you. Trying to put on dresses that were not your style and color was uncomfortable. Your ex maybe wanted to show you love through expensive gifts. His childish frustration because you wouldn’t accept them shows it was probably about more than a piece of fabric but that maybe he felt rejected because he was trying to have you both relate how he wanted...it was in a way that changed your style. But it wasn’t your thing. It wasn’t the right fit for you. You just didn’t do it.

He’s been so clear for years the style of relationship that fits him. You’ve been clear you reasonably and legitimately need a different style of relationship. He can keep talking about eventually putting on a style of relationship that is not his style of relating.... but is that really want you want?


Can you explain more about this?

Thank you for the input ?
Over the past two years he sometimes wanted a relationship like I do with intimacy and so forth. I definitely do not want him to commit to a relationship he is not ready for and he would never ever do that. He is torn between running away and being in a relationship with me...so I stayed until I had enough. I cannot wait for him to maybe get there. One day he would say; I will remain single always and another day he would say; Maybe one day I will be ready for a relationship with you. So mixed signals all the time.

If he decides to go to therapy, which he is definitely not ready for now, and somewhere down the line contacts me saying he feels ready for intimacy now, I know that being with him would be hard work, and that would be okay if it wasn’t for the very big risk that he would break it of with me and then come back a few days later and do that over and over again. I would have to be strong in order to say no to him though, so that is why part of me don’t hope he is ready. Each day I don’t see him or communicate with him, I am getting stronger and I see clearer that he is not for me. I suspect that his mom leaving him when he was just six and growing up with a dad who is not the affectionate type, might have laid the seeds to him having developed a touch of dismissive avoidance attachment. At one point he said to me that he was not sure he had ever really let a woman completely into his heart. I might be wrong, but that sentence could show that he is afraid to let all of his guards down, because if de does and his gf leaves (like mom did) that is going to be painful. Having PTSD is definitely not making it easier to let me get close to him.

 

[EveHarrington]

4.) Time spent enduring trauma wasn’t spent developing relationship skills.

Bingo.

My social skills suck! I don’t know how to get close to people in a healthy way. I can go through the motions and still never feel close to someone (which is a mind Fck for the other person as I get hella intense pretty quickly so they think what we have is special and unique but I’m like “ok, again...?”)

 

[HealingMama]

I think it's mostly been covered. I am married but I vascillate between seeking closeness and seeking distance because closeness requires risk and risk of being hurt emotionally. Emotional hurt came with the situations that got me PTSD in the first place. So I have a part of myself that wants to heal by experiencing a better pattern and a part that says no don't go through this again and they fight.