Why Is The Idea Of Caring For Myself So Disturbing?

[Sandstone]

I've been reading about self care and stabilisation, because in therapy we've finally got to talking about the traumas.

It would be more accurate to say I've been trying to read. In fact I've been skipping over all the relevant bits and constantly getting up to pace around and to eat and eat. I asked myself why the idea of caring for myself is disturbing enough to need comfort eating, and then spent an almost sleepless night and two distressing days coming up with a list of eight answers.

Do any of them resonate with you? Am I off on wild goose chase? Would it be better to ignore the reasons and just get on with learning the caring stuff?

i) It's morally wrong

ii) I don't have the resources or energy

iii) I don't need to self care

iv) It goes against my instincts

v) I already focus too much on myself and need to be less self-centred

vi) I absolutely believe I don't have enough trauma to justify having any symptoms to care for

vii) Its dishonest

viii) Maybe I need not to be OK so someone will notice

(Afraid this is going to be long - I'll post these headings and then unpack them in another message as I often loose stuff when I press the wrong key)

 

[Sandstone]

All of these feel true to me in some way, though I recognise that some of them aren't logically true. I also know that they contradict each other, but that doesn't stop them feeling true on different levels.

i) It's morally wrong
My head says - Nobody should need to care for themselves. we should be able to set ourselves on a course and run it. I could do it for years so I should be able to go on doing it.

ii) I don't have the resources or energy
My gut says - Just as I resent my husband for having a grotty cold and needing my care, I resent making demands on myself when my inner resources are so scarce. I have nothing to give to myself, so trying will just lead to failure and despair.

iii) I don't need to self care
A bit I dislike says - I'm not weak, so I don't need to learn any of these techniques - they are for other people

iv) It goes against my instincts
This is one of the most powerful and scary. I'm talking about the basic survival instincts that drive us as animals. It feels incredibly dangerous to care for myself. I need to be hypervigilant to protect myself, I can't risk soothing that protective layer. I need to hate myself to keep control

v) I already focus too much on myself and need to be less self-centred
My religious background says -I used to do a lot of giving of money and time - now I spend most of my life looking inward, and adding another element of introspection can't help.

vi) I absolutely believe I don't have enough trauma to justify having any symptoms to care for
So I can't justify caring for a pain I have no right to feel. I think it's reasonable for others - take the UK Jimmy Saville victims as an example - to feel pain at being groomed, abused and disbelieved. But I can't believe it's reasonable for me to feel it over my dressing room abuse, or any of the other traumas I experienced.

vii) Its dishonest
I don't like the idea of pretending things are OK when they aren't. I grew up keeping a decent veneer over things. I'm afraid caring for myself will sweep everything back under the carpet and

vii) Maybe I need not to be OK so someone will notice
I want to be looked after, but I have no idea how to ask. If I'm a wreck then someone else might pick up the pieces.


I don't understand why the contradictory fears multiply instead of cancelling each other out. The outcome is that I don't seem able to notice when I need to practice self care, and shrink in horror from attempting it.

I don't want to run away from this; I want to do it. Any thoughts on how to drive myself forward?

 

[intothelight]

Stenni,

You made some great points as to why you (and probably a whole lot of other people) find self-care so difficult. I can only respond from my personal experience and I hope that it might help.

One thing I found was that I had to disconnect the term self from selfish. They are two totally different concepts, but to me they were intertwined. Doing something for myself, was equated with selfish, and I wasn't worth it. But taking care of myself was not something selfish, as I am not a hermit living isolated in a cave somewhere. My mental and physical state not only impacted me, but everyone around me. So taking care of my physical, emotional and psychological needs became more of a focus on being the best I could be, not just for me, but for my family and friends.

Self-care is more about balance in life and doing things that help a person achieve that balance. Actually, it helps a person -be less self-absorbed as day-to-day functioning is improved. Also, it is not at all about pretending, but doing. You might just want to pick one or two things to implement at first and just gradually add to it.

Just my .02.

Debbie

 

[The Albatross]

Disputing the beliefs of the key points you list in your post Stenni and coming up with some new effective beliefs that are more life affirming, self nurturing can be beneficial. Sometimes I have to disect the thoughts and ask myself with my adult mind if what I am professing or telling myself is really what I believe. Sometimes I read articles on the key topics from various online sources and can get a leg up to adapt my view or abandon the "old" idea and make a decision that "my old way" didn't best serve me and I can be open and willing to try something new.

My block about self care was because I felt I was worthless, or unworthy. It was a residual message my brain tossed out due to the verbal abuse in my bio family. I ended up trying to learn and attempt self parenting and made the decision that I couldn't make a worse hash out of it than my parents did.

I am capable of more and have less anxiety or stress having instilled some self care habits. I think of it sort of like preparing for a rocket launch. All the little things that can be done to insure a successful mission. Once my day is underway, or my day is completed... I do a few things to prepare me for the next launch.

 

[Hashi]

stenni, would you mind saying some of the self-care things that you're reacting against? I'm not sure if you mean practical things like sleeping at regular hours, or things to take care of yourself when upset, like grounding exercises, or routine things that help generally, like relaxation/meditation and exercise. Or a mixture?

 

[Abstract]

Stenni,
I actually think you have done a great job of breaking this down and I am sure many will relate to most if not all of your points. I know I do to most.

This was extremely difficult almost intolerable stuff for me. And I think at its core was that it was just so different from anything I had ever experienced. They say we develop an internal map or representation of where we fit in life and in ourselves and I guess changing that felt and still feels very threatening. It brings up self hatred intensely. How we have been treated and how we have internalised that can be part of it too.

To start saying I deserved it and try to counter the messages didn't really work for me. What worked is just saying that I had no choice. That if something did not change then there would only be one outcome and for me that meant impacting others negatively and I did not want that.

So I approached it as a dose of medicine that I needed and just had to trust I needed even though I hated it with every fibre of my being.

Slowly but surely it started to feel more comfortable and I was able to accept it more.

I think number 8 is a particularly bad trap. A way that will stop you getting the support that you need and a way to something better.

I am not religious at all but take the "love thy neighbour like oneself". Its doesn't say love thy neighbour and hate oneself and do nothing for oneself. It says to love oneself first and to treat other people the same way.

We have to have a solid healthy self before we can do anything including getting meaningful help.

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you so much for writing this out stenni. It is very helpful for me to read because I am sure I have the same or similar beliefs systems. With me they are unconscious I think. I think this is due to the fact that my PTSD has shown up after 6 years of having worked on myself. I never thought that I would go back to having these issues, after already having worked so hard. It's wierd, so there is this double disconnect. This is what I am trying to understand. Thanks again.

 

[Pencil]

Stennie, I find this FASCINATING!!

Elsewhere on this forum I kvetched for weeks about this exact same topic. In my case, my therapist commented on 'unmet needs' and how I needed to be kind to myself. I nearly ended therapy over this issue.

I find it virtually impossible to address it: It makes me feel threatened, yet I can't explain why. Trying to explain anything about is as difficult as trying to describe a dream to someone, or even to write down a description of the dream in your own journal. No matter how elaborate and detailed the description, it never really works as there is a part of dreams that can never be captured, it can only be 'felt'.

 

[Abstract]

I do think a fair amount of us probably have an introjected abuser to one extent or another and for me I think I feel I have to treat myself badly otherwise something bad will happen. It isn't so definite at all of course. I think it might be that I have been taught that is the right way and maybe also that if I don't someone else will.

I don't have number 8 really but I think it is pretty common and causes major havoc and interference with people getting better. And maybe the painful, terrible part of that is accepting that we can't go back to when we were little and get what we didn't get then. That we can fill many gaps but that that needs to be done in a different way as we are now adults. It's why strong boundaries are so important in therapy and why it is so hard for so many to accept those boundaries. And why a therapist not doing that can mean someone being very badly damaged as a result.

 

[Pencil]

Then, of course, there are those professionals in the field who are adamant that managing basic lack in childhood by oneself is impossible. It is like being your own kidney donor. I tend to go with this idea.

 

[safenow]

Hi Stennie,

I was brought up that to look in a mirror was vanity. And that vanity was a sin, so I never looked in a mirror (for years and years). In fact, even to this day I still tend to lower my eyes when I am anywhere there might be a reflection. I learned to do things without sight to help me. My hair, dressing, etc.

The point I'm trying to make is this: Just because we think something is true, doesn't mean it is true.

As I look at your list, my heart goes out to you. It sounds to me, as though you have been taught to never think of yourself, but rather to think of others. That is one of those teaching that is not accurate. Yes, it is good to think of others, but if you don't know how to love yourself, how can you love others?

I hope you will "just go forward and learn those skills". Even if you had zero trauma in your life, you still need to learn ways to help you cope with day to day life.

 

[Abstract]

Pencil, I think there is a huge difference between getting the help and support and care we need to grow from someone wonderful who is a caring therapist. And waiting for a therapist to save us. I am not for one minute saying we can do it ourselves and do think it is the bond that is healing and helps us with these things so much. But wanting someone to save us at that level ends up being a trap as the only way to continue is to stay ill and in crisis.

The difference between the two is subtle but really important. Its one of the reasons why treatments like dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) have such a success rate with those with BPD when other treatments end up with a continuation of crisis mode and without getting better and sometimes ending in the worst possible way. People might feel they need to be "saved" and therapists on ego trips may want to "save" clients but that isn't good for anyone. You will find all professionals bar a very radical few will agree with that.

That does not at in any way mean that a therapist shouldn't be in tune with us; be genuinely caring and nurturing; be there reliably both physically and emotionally in a way we can count on totally; listen intuitively to us and hear our stories. All that healing and support comes from good therapy with a therapist we learn to trust and depend upon a healthy and appropriate way.