Assault Why me? Depressed at night from SA. Need empathy to keep me going.

[kellierose004]

I hope I will get enough empathy to keep me going by because certainly I dont get any in real life or in between which I really feel I need more of and deserve...but anyways, I'm a thirty year old female tbh I feel really old now and at 29 less than a year ago I was raped by a 44 year old man that I simply considered my friend before that.

The problem with this whole story is that he continuously stalks me on social media. BTW I was unable to get him convicted even though he's already been in jail I found out before. He truly is disgusting to me and if I had my way he'd be banished from this earth since I know he leaked photos of me after me breaking up our friendship after he brutally, and savagely raped me on the ground in the woods I was scared...this is so hard to talk about...he strangled me too and I was so scared I was gonna die cause my air supply was being slowly cut off. When he came he made everything so traumatic for me, he was very loud ..it was just horrific and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy..he's a menace to society...I feel dirty my mouth feels dirty since he made me perform oral sex on him and he was rough...he's a brute.

Because of all this I see no beauty in me or my mouth whatsoever, I constantly have the feeling of being contaminated and my grandmother who's my guardian just doesn't care. She blames me for going with him which hurts even more, I am autistic btw... I feel ugly, hopeless. I've tried reaching out to others for therapy for a long time even before this with no help or avail. Why me? I feel very alone in my struggle to even look at a man without intense anger...

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the community!

my grandmother who's my guardian just doesn't care. She blames me for going with him which hurts even more, I am autistic btw

When you depend on external cues / using others as guidelines to navigate the world? This kind of thing (blame, disbelief, disinterest) can hit especially hard because not only are you attempting to deal with trauma & the aftermath of trauma (so everyhing is sideways) but now? Your compass is broken, too. Literal insult added to injury, this kind of betrayal.

I've tried reaching out to others for therapy for a long time even before this with no help or avail.

One smallish upside with PTSD… There’s a whole lot we can do on our own, without therapy.

Start here >>> The ptsd cup explanation

Also check out the articles tab for more resources, but absolutely start at the stress cup.

vvv Also know that this? vvv

Because of all this I see no beauty in me or my mouth whatsoever, I constantly have the feeling of being contaminated

^^^ Is. Totally. Reversible.^^^

1. Trauma Processing… unless you just get lucky, DOES require a trauma therapist.

2. Reducing & Eliminating triggers and stressors… DOES NOT require a trauma therapist. Even if you were working with one? This part you’d be doing on your own time, and just updating them with how it’s going.

I used working on my oral rape triggers as an example awhile back (see below), but also DO check out >>> Working with triggers

Physically - Oral Sex

Gave my mouth a helluva lot of sensory experiences
- Talking with my mouth full, or around ice, or under water
- Singing ditto (mouth full, or around ice, or underwater)
- Eating while walking (That was unexpectedly difficult. When I found that out I refused to eat sitting down for a few weeks, and started carrying lolly-pops and sunflower seeds to really trip my brain out!)
- Playing with my tongue (from flipping it upside down, to spinning spaghetti, to counting my teeth, to clicking).
- Playing with my face (blowing my cheeks out, sucking them in, Elvis lips, etc.)
- Different food textures
- etc.

Gagging
- Trained my throat to swallow thick liquids, to pills, to whole grapes, etc. (I actually researched how drug-mules train themselves to swallow balloons).
- Brushed my teeth & tongue with a washcloth (ironically, works better than a brush).
- Used Chloraseptic (mild topical anesthetic) when necessary.
- etc.

Breath Control
- Swimmers tricks ((One of the primary rules of swimming is that if you can talk? You can breathe. I've actually always used this with panic attacks... But they also came in handy when dealing with my oral sex hangups.)) From gargling to "gulping fishes" (that mixed air & water choking feeling), to snorkeling, to rebreathers. Anything that creates the need to breathe weird, on purpose.
- Singing.
- Whistling
- etc.

(Lastly) Once I was completely copasetic with all the non-sexual aspects of oral anything and everything I could think of... I went on a fellatio mission.
- Researched everything I could about it (lmao, before Internet! That was an adventure)
- Talked to a bunch of people (guys mostly, gay guys even better).
- Took lessons / Practiced with friends
- Learned to breathe through my nose (that was a lightbulb moment! Shazaam. LOL)
- Learned to flip a condom around in my mouth / how to put one on
- etc.

 

[Sanctuary]

Hello Kellie Rose.
It wasn't your fault.
You trusted someone who you thought you could.

Can I suggest a book I found helpful at the time?
That was 25 /26 years ago, so it's old but still available.

It's called: Who's Afraid of the Dark? A forum of truth, support, and assurance for those affected by rape.
By Cynthia Carosella.

I hear your pain, I know your pain. But you will get through this.
Sending prayers of support to be around you.

 

[SquidBaby]

Hi Kellie Rose,

I am sorry for the things that happened to you. I can relate to you if that helps. I have had similar situations happen to me albeit not exactly the same as yours. Just know you are not alone. I hope you can find something to help you in these times, even if it is just something small. That is what keeps me going. I also hope you can try to do therapy again because, for me at least, it helps immensely to have someone to talk to and process what has happened.

Wishing you the best,
Squidbaby

 

[Sanctuary]

This is exactly why I testified at the Old Bailey in London England for 3 days to put a serial rapist away for 9 years after he broke into the house whilst I was sleeping. So he could never hurt another woman! Im one of only 7 percent who won and got a guilty verdict, 26 years ago. My anger at the injustice was and is my strength. Don't let the XXXXXX win.