Why Now?

[desiderata310]

I had my first really intense flashback a couple of days ago. I was putting the butter away and suddenly it was three years ago and S was whispering in my ear how he was going to hurt me. I don't know how long it lasted but it was so real that when I found myself back in my kitchen, still holding the butter, I was crying and confused. I luckily had a therapy appointment that day and we talked a bit about it. He was asking what had triggered it, how long it had lasted. etc.

This couldn't be at a worse time: my therapist was on vacation for the rest of the week. He told me to call if it happened again or if I became suicidal. The next day I was barely able to hold it together and felt suicidal all day.

He felt that
1. My stress level and the EMDR we haven't finished are responsible for the flashback( last month I've been contacted several times by my abuser, filed for a restraining order, gone to court, had to get a continuance, had issues at work and had my son attempt suicide and be diagnosed with PTSD)
2. My sudden SI was because my brain wanted control and since I felt like I had just gone through it again, my brain was revolting. I told him I didn't feel in control

He told me to call if I had another flashback. I had another tonight. I'm honestly afraid to call because I'm afraid his going to have me committed. The SI is really hard to control and confusing. I don't WANT to commit suicide but I CAN'T STOP the thoughts. I keep going through the mental moves of how to do certain knots. I really want this to stop or I feel I am going to give in.

 

[Fated Shadow]

I had my first flashback in two almost two years. It scared me and scared everyone around parts of it were a blackout moment but from what I was told I ended up just screaming at the top of my lungs it was described as a primal scream by those who heard it and I started to attack the people who were there with me who came to check on me.

When I did come to I was against the wall in my room crying ready to attack my father's girlfriend. It just came out of nowhere I saw everything from that horrible day all those years ago. Everything as if I was there again. When I did come to it was so confusing I didn't know where I was until someone repeated it a few times and even then I spent the rest of the day just staring off at the wall thinking about it and why it happened after two years free of flashbacks and nightmares.

Sometimes if it is serious you should be committed it is better than the alternative I even told them if it happens again get away from me and call the ambulance and the police to put me down and to bring me to the hospital because I am a danger to myself and others. I have spent my whole life since an early age learning, practicing and then eventually teaching the martial arts so I am very much a danger and have to take responsibility for my actions even if they are not in my control.

Sometimes its better to deal with being committed than hurting yourself or others. Think of it as a safety I had to be committed a little more than two years ago by my choice after I had tried to end my life and something stopped me last minute. I hope you knowing that you are not alone helps a little and that you handle things properly. We all need to help each other since we are in the same boat even if it is for different reasons. I hope your son is okay by the way and I know it has to be hard dealing with someone with PTSD while having it yourself trust me I know because of my father having it. So I wish you luck and hope you take care of yourself as best as you can.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm no expert....but my thoughts are...

My T told me that there is a big gap between thinking about suicide and doing it. There are self tests on google for suicide ideation scale. They helped me put my si in context. For me my recent si was just thoughts, no plan, no equipment, good reasons not to do it. My point is, if you are on the safe end of the spectrum then maybe you can see them as just fleeting thoughts that while they are disturbing, they are only thoughts.

If you are at the other end of the scale, then you may need help and intervention.

 

[desiderata310]

I sent him a text. I know he's out surfing and wouldn't get the message right now anyway. No detail, just that it happened again.