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Deleted member 34535
Oh those happy holidays. Aren't they wonderful. The wonderful, Ozzie and Harriet type of family complete with Lassie, a couple of cute kitties, the two-story house in a nice neighborhood, complete with picket fence. We just got through with the 4th of July holiday here in the states. Every holiday gets me the same way. I get this lousy depressed feeling in the pit of my stomach that lasts until the holiday is gone. And why do I get this lousy feeling? Because I am longing for something that I have never felt my entire life.
Now don't get me wrong, I have been present at these environments, but I was never really there. Many of us with PTSD also experience hyper-vigilance. I, personally, have no memory of not having hyper-vigilance. So even if I were at a family gathering that looked like an episode of Ozzie and Harriet, I was always in my bubble, hovering above everyone, looking for the next potential threat. And yes, this is pretty sad. But it is what it is.
So every holiday comes around and I get this rot gut feeling in my stomach because I am longing for something that I have really never truly experienced.
This 4th of July holiday was different though. I was bound and determined not to sit home and feel sorry for myself. So I had Sunday and Monday off and I went fishing all day both days and I had a ball. I met some very nice people. I was able to give a few fish to some of the nice people who I met. Oh yes, I collected my bait on the way home from work today and I am going to finish my chores and house cleaning and go fishing every chance I get tomorrow through Sunday. I have never been sad while fishing.
I guess the punch line to this thread for me is that I should not waste my time and energy on desiring something that for me is just a myth. As I progress through my treatment and life and these things do come to be a reality, then I will enjoy these moments. But I refuse to make myself miserable wanting something that I wouldn't know what it was if it smacked me in the face. Life is short and precious. We need to make the most of every day that we have and treat it as a gift. Thank you for reading this thread.
Now don't get me wrong, I have been present at these environments, but I was never really there. Many of us with PTSD also experience hyper-vigilance. I, personally, have no memory of not having hyper-vigilance. So even if I were at a family gathering that looked like an episode of Ozzie and Harriet, I was always in my bubble, hovering above everyone, looking for the next potential threat. And yes, this is pretty sad. But it is what it is.
So every holiday comes around and I get this rot gut feeling in my stomach because I am longing for something that I have really never truly experienced.
This 4th of July holiday was different though. I was bound and determined not to sit home and feel sorry for myself. So I had Sunday and Monday off and I went fishing all day both days and I had a ball. I met some very nice people. I was able to give a few fish to some of the nice people who I met. Oh yes, I collected my bait on the way home from work today and I am going to finish my chores and house cleaning and go fishing every chance I get tomorrow through Sunday. I have never been sad while fishing.
I guess the punch line to this thread for me is that I should not waste my time and energy on desiring something that for me is just a myth. As I progress through my treatment and life and these things do come to be a reality, then I will enjoy these moments. But I refuse to make myself miserable wanting something that I wouldn't know what it was if it smacked me in the face. Life is short and precious. We need to make the most of every day that we have and treat it as a gift. Thank you for reading this thread.
