Alice Rachel
New Here
Hi all
I'm having a bit of a crazy time; the man who abused me & caused the ptsd has been charged with 14 charges. The perpertrators defence is that im crazy & they have asked for my counselling notes.
Im recovering from a 2nd bout of glandular fever/mono (im convinced it was from the stress Im under) and also Im running my own business making & selling paintings,prints and cards.
For the past few weeks since i began to get better from glandular fever ive been renovating my art studio, id been planning on opening for some time in nov & dec. On the weekend I had a stall at a big show if you had seen me you wouldn't have thought I had a problem in the world, (I can hide stuff v well) this exhausted me and I didn't manage to sleep in like i needed too on Monday, so being up I went to my studio to do the last coat of varnish on the floor at work and found there had been a massive flood from upstairs and the ceiling & walls were all brown from the water & the wooden floor had come a foot up off the floor & cracked. I Burst into tears & went for a ciggy then called the landlords out to deal with it. They couldn't come til lunchtime so I went for a walk to calm down & things. When I got back the lady I sublet off and the landlords representative were having a rather slimy passive aggressive conversation where they were both trying to shift the blame onto the other and weasel out of the responsibility of fixing it. I tryed my best to let my anger get the best of me, & be a reasonable rational human being did the breathing counting what have you & then it all went wrong. I said it needed a new floor (theyve agreed with me about that now) thet said it didn't, so I said that if it wasn't fixed properly I'd leave. Then after the landlords representative went, the lady I sublet from pointed her finger in my face & was quite aggressive and told me off like i was a teenager and according to my partner said 'I could tell you to f*ck off' all I heard was the shouty voice saying 'f*ck off'
I havent been spoken to like that since i lived in that mad dysfunctional family I was traumatised by and I completely lost it saw red and screamed at her like a wild banshee and slammed the door in her face to get her away from me.
I went up the hill to calm down Realising what I had done I sent a message apologising and For the rest of the day I was in a complete state and couldn't stop crying. Tuesday I went to see my councillor/psychotherapist and nearly made her cry with the state I was in & cryed uncontrollably at her. I calmed down a bit in the afternoon but then saw my subletting landlady accross the road she was with her daughter, normally we would have sang hi accross the road but she ignored me & when I got home she'd sent me an email about the studio.
Im not kicked out but im too scared and embarrassed to face her at the mo.
Today I thought I felt a little better and got a bit of work done but ended up having the paramedics out checking my heart rate & blood pressure and things. Because I had one of those horrifying panic attacks, which made me have such overwhelming pain in my chest that I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. I actually dealt with the panic better than I used too, I managed to use breathing & grounding techniques ive learnt, but still I haven't had one that bad for two years & it took me by complete surprise which is worrying. I'm not even sure what triggered it off I was just walking down the road on the way home and the dizzy panic thing came.
Im somewhat calmer now well exhausted from panic, but im scared it was all seeming like it was going much better til Monday and ive never had an outburst like that in front of anyone but my partner before which is bad enough and im mortified, embarrassed and scared about it I dont want to go around treating people like that and the panic attack this evening was terrifying.
I dont know what else to write I just really need to get it all off my chest.
Thank u for listening
xXx
I'm having a bit of a crazy time; the man who abused me & caused the ptsd has been charged with 14 charges. The perpertrators defence is that im crazy & they have asked for my counselling notes.
Im recovering from a 2nd bout of glandular fever/mono (im convinced it was from the stress Im under) and also Im running my own business making & selling paintings,prints and cards.
For the past few weeks since i began to get better from glandular fever ive been renovating my art studio, id been planning on opening for some time in nov & dec. On the weekend I had a stall at a big show if you had seen me you wouldn't have thought I had a problem in the world, (I can hide stuff v well) this exhausted me and I didn't manage to sleep in like i needed too on Monday, so being up I went to my studio to do the last coat of varnish on the floor at work and found there had been a massive flood from upstairs and the ceiling & walls were all brown from the water & the wooden floor had come a foot up off the floor & cracked. I Burst into tears & went for a ciggy then called the landlords out to deal with it. They couldn't come til lunchtime so I went for a walk to calm down & things. When I got back the lady I sublet off and the landlords representative were having a rather slimy passive aggressive conversation where they were both trying to shift the blame onto the other and weasel out of the responsibility of fixing it. I tryed my best to let my anger get the best of me, & be a reasonable rational human being did the breathing counting what have you & then it all went wrong. I said it needed a new floor (theyve agreed with me about that now) thet said it didn't, so I said that if it wasn't fixed properly I'd leave. Then after the landlords representative went, the lady I sublet from pointed her finger in my face & was quite aggressive and told me off like i was a teenager and according to my partner said 'I could tell you to f*ck off' all I heard was the shouty voice saying 'f*ck off'
I havent been spoken to like that since i lived in that mad dysfunctional family I was traumatised by and I completely lost it saw red and screamed at her like a wild banshee and slammed the door in her face to get her away from me.
I went up the hill to calm down Realising what I had done I sent a message apologising and For the rest of the day I was in a complete state and couldn't stop crying. Tuesday I went to see my councillor/psychotherapist and nearly made her cry with the state I was in & cryed uncontrollably at her. I calmed down a bit in the afternoon but then saw my subletting landlady accross the road she was with her daughter, normally we would have sang hi accross the road but she ignored me & when I got home she'd sent me an email about the studio.
Im not kicked out but im too scared and embarrassed to face her at the mo.
Today I thought I felt a little better and got a bit of work done but ended up having the paramedics out checking my heart rate & blood pressure and things. Because I had one of those horrifying panic attacks, which made me have such overwhelming pain in my chest that I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. I actually dealt with the panic better than I used too, I managed to use breathing & grounding techniques ive learnt, but still I haven't had one that bad for two years & it took me by complete surprise which is worrying. I'm not even sure what triggered it off I was just walking down the road on the way home and the dizzy panic thing came.
Im somewhat calmer now well exhausted from panic, but im scared it was all seeming like it was going much better til Monday and ive never had an outburst like that in front of anyone but my partner before which is bad enough and im mortified, embarrassed and scared about it I dont want to go around treating people like that and the panic attack this evening was terrifying.
I dont know what else to write I just really need to get it all off my chest.
Thank u for listening
xXx
